When I married my husband 3 years ago he had a vasectomy done. I knew he didn’t want any kids and I was content with having two amazing step kids. I love the kids so much. But as the baby momma drama continues and my 30s are creeping, I’ve got this nagging pain for a child.
I feel like I made such a huge mistake wasting his time. I know it would be a lot having a child because I own a business that takes so much of my time but I just don’t think I can stay married to him.
It doesn’t help I’m not happy in our marriage and feel like more of a maid than a wife. I cook, clean, and care for the kids. He’s unemployed other than farming a small portion of land and spends a majority of his time getting trashed drunk while I pull 80 hours a week in my business.
I’m to the point I want to end my marriage, pay his bills until he gets a steady job, and get IVF to do it on my own. It’s never a good sign when his friends are telling me that they don’t know how I put up with him… Would I be a terrible person if I just dipped out?
49 comments
Assuming by “just dipped” you mean having a mature but firm departure from this marriage, no I don’t think that you be terrible at all. I’m not saying he deserves a huge effort or that his issues are your responsibility. Just don’t let it turn into some kind of weird drama. Divorce by the books.
First of all, you’re still absolutely young enough to find a spouse to have children with naturally. I’m not against doing IVF, I had to do it myself, but this was after years of infertility.
You’re smart to recognize that this is an absolute dealbreaker now.
Girl leave that man. He’s fifty years old. Even if he was Leonardo di caprio who always dates women who could be his child he wouldn’t be worth it! He’s a grown ass man and sounds absolutely immature. You will have less work, be more happy, have better skin, sleep better and be more relaxed over all if you choose yourself. Let that 🥭
Dont have a child with your husband. Divorce his ass and find someone who wants kids
Yeah these are all great reasons to leave your husband. Live your life!
Pay his bills until he gets a stable job!? Girl, no. You are too kind and that’s exactly why he leeches off of you. You don’t owe him anything. And he’s 20 yrs your senior? He’s got a free maid and as he gets older you’ll be a free nurse too.
I would leave asap and take care of yourself ONLY. Worry about your own child after you get rid of the 50 year old child.
F29, M49. Sigh. You are in two completely different lifestages. Get rid of him and start dating within your age bracket. You deserve to experience life, just like he already has
The children issue is not the lead story here.
Dip, baby dip
He’s almost 50 and had a vasectomy- of course he does not want a baby!
Sounds like a real catch!
What is so special and great about him that you want to stay?
(BTW why would you pay his life after you left him? Out of guilt?)
You don’t want the same things in life, if you stay, you can’t have kids.
If kids are what you want you can’t stay.
What in the name of sanity are you doing married to a man TWENTY years older than you?
I don’t understand what else you expected, marrying a man who’s 20 years older than you are. Why on earth would you think that your priorities for life are aligned?
I totally understand why he doesn’t want to have another kid at 50. What I don’t understand is why you married him in the first place.
No.. your husband is too old for you IMO.
Honestly.. I can’t say I’ve heard of many people that want to have a baby or small child at near 50 either. I’m not sure how old his current kids are, but either way you’re incompatible if you want kids and he decided “no more”. Add on the fact that you’re caring for him like he’s a child.. that’s not attractive.
You’re young. Don’t waste time.
You are still young enough to go get a partner that’s closer to your age and has the same goals and values. He’s almost 50 drinks all day and doesn’t have a job ! why would you ever want to build a life with someone like this? you are young and you still have your life ahead of you go get it.
He isn’t going to change because he doesn’t have to. If you add a child to this arrangement you will be the main caregiver to the child+ mental load carrier+ financial provider and the cleaning lady of the house. You’ll have 2 children on your hands. It’s not dipping out when even the basic terms of a partnership aren’t being met.
Why did you ever date him let alone marry him? He’s a crappy husband so I can’t imagine he was a better boyfriend.
Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Then file for divorce. What he does after that is on him.
….and, this is what’s gonna happen when you marry a man 20 years your senior and eyeing retirement, not starting a new family. Why did you even get into this mess? Your friends are right.
Jesus girl. I really hope this is fake. If not, this man is a complete loser. Leave him. He can pay his own bills and be an adult in every other way.
Those kids have a mom AND a dad, you need to take care of yourself and being in a loveless marriage where you’re not being treated with respect is not taking care of yourself. You also have no obligation to help him, he’s a grown man capable of taking care of himself. File for divorce and move out, find someone who wants children and loves and respects you to be an equal partner.
29. 49. What exactly did you expect? Don’t bother answering.
Jesus Christ. Even if you didn’t want a baby you need to get the fuck out. Why are you married to an old ass deadbeat???
Girl what am I reading go live your life and leave
I don’t know what happened to you in life to make you think this is what you deserve, but you don’t. Leave this manchild and don’t let him waste another precious year of your life.
You’d be terrible to yourself if you didn’t get out.
Gooooo….and don’t even THINK of supporting him until he gets a job. What??? He is not your responsibility. He’s lazy and living off of you.
Ew. You can’t dip fast enough!
20 years older than you what else was he looking for but a bang maid
So you married an older man that wants a bang maid and now you’re unhappy that you’re a bang maid? You clearly made a mistake, get a divorce and try again.
I stopped reading after the age difference.
Stop wasting our time and yours. Go find someone else, dummy.
You married someone 20 years older and didn’t know babies wouldn’t happen even after he made that super clear?
Also he’s an unemployed drunk?
What in the world, get divorced immediately.
Sounds like you’re already a parent to him and his kids so you might as well get your own kid.
Dump this old loser
Girl WHAT?!?!
So the age gap is fucking disgusting, I don’t know HOW you got past that. This whole situation is really fucked, but he is literally with you so you will “mommy” him, odd dynamic but he probably sees you as a child. Woman his age won’t put up with his shit, so he found someone younger.
I know this is going to sound very judge-y, downvote me, idc idc idc, but any woman with a man old enough to be her own father needs SERIOUS help. I don’t wanna hear about the one off examples where “it works”. I don’t care. It’s nasty and predatory. Period. And men like that *purposely* look for women just like you, for the exact reasons you want to leave your marriage. I just never understand how y’all don’t IMMEDIATELY see those MEGALOPHOBIC, NEON brightness RED ASS FLAGS! How the HELL could you POSSIBLY miss them!?
Leave girl. Now. NOW!
Age gap we meet again.
What would even make you want to marry this man in the first place.
One question – why did you marry him, how did he attract you?
Bruh, you married a 46 year old man with no job?????????????????? Why????????
You don’t need IVF to do it on your own. I Agree with you about the moving on tho.
I have a friend who married an older man and they did have two babies (his other two are adults). He said afterward that it was like “breaking in to prison again.” So just in case he ever says he’ll “do it” just remember he won’t be happy about it.
Wait, is this a joke post?
You’re the breadwinner, child minder, cook and maid to an unemployed drunken slob old enough to be your father, and you’re wondering if *you’d* be the bad guy for running for the hills like any sane person?
Disagreements in family planning are pretty major but damn you buried the lede
Did you have a rough upbringing? I’m asking because this whole situation is a mess and you’re ignoring sign after sign that you should have ran away YEARS AGO. Is there a part of you conditioned to believe that this is the best you deserve? He’s an alcoholic. He doesn’t work. He’s 20 years older and you take care of everything. Seriously have some self respect. Every single post from a woman in this sub is a cry for help I swear to god.
Nope, you wouldn’t be a terrible person for splitting. This guy is unemployed and using you as a maid/nanny. If you can support yourself and a child, go for it.
Sooooo your husband is old and lazy and you want to know if it’s ok to leave him 😏
Fuck paying his bills. Don’t waste another day if you don’t have to.
What is he even bringing to your life?
And THIS is why age gaps don’t work.
Get with someone your age that wants to have children.
Oh and you don’t need to pay his bills. He’s 49 and a grown man.
There so many red flags here I can’t see daylight.
What did I just read? So a permanently drunk old guy found a young hardworking woman who cookd, cleans, and cares for hid kids, and provides for all of them, while he gets drunk, and the question is whether to have a baby or not?
Honestly, OP, just get out of there. If it’s your place, send them out. The kids seem to have a mother who cares enough to make the permanently drunken dad problems, and he is just leeching of you.
And the get therapy and train self-love… You are not fair to yourself!
And then you can think about IVF, that would be definitely better than carrying all this dead weight around. Or maybe you will find an actual partner.
*(F29) husband (49)*
Twenty years’ difference. TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.
*I feel like I made such a huge mistake wasting his time.*
Wasting **his** time? **Wasting** his **time**?
*It doesn’t help I’m not happy in our marriage and feel like more of a maid than a wife.*
Again. Wasting HIS time?
*I married my husband 3 years ago he had a vasectomy done.*
He has told you, clearly, openly, with no doubt that he does not want more kids. He has kids and Hey you are the maid/step mom/young wife who doesn’t know any better. Yay Him!
Get out. Get the fuck out while you are still in a place where you can have kids yourself. Even if kids don’t happen for you, you can at least live your own life and not be a bangmaid for the best years of your life.
“Pay his bills until he gets a steady job” are you nuts? He’s 49 with two kids and stays drunk and unemployed? He’s not going to find any job. You’ll just be his meal ticket.
It blows my mind that a 49 year old drunk who’s unemployed and can’t even handle basic housework landed a 29 year old woman who’s well put together with her own business. I mean god damn, why haven’t you shown up on my Hinge yet? You’re so young, do not waste anymore time on him. You can find someone who shares your values and you sound like a catch for anybody (and that’s coming from a 28 year old man who also runs their own business/design consulting firm.) You can do better, you can find a partner who wants what you want, and you DO NOT owe it to him to pay his bills. Don’t let him suck away anymore of your youth. He’s not a partner, he’s a fucking vampire.
Woah another person in their 20s getting with a dead bet in their 40s and then it ends up being a regret who would have guessed this would have happened, I mean I’ve only seen thousands of posts in here that are similar but I just didn’t think it would happen