So as title says: My (26M) girlfriend (25F) cheated on me 3 years ago at the start of our relationship.
We were just starting to see each other, and we’re both working in the same industry, so there was a large weekend event coming up, where a lot of companies from the industry meet for a football tournament.
We had just agreed 1-2 days prior to be exclusive / in a relationship.
At the event she blew me off and ignored me every chance she got, she hung out and drank with some guy that she had just met, and she was very flirty with him, the first night she sat with him the whole night and I even say them compare hand sizes.
I got extremely uncomfortable and told her to stop that, and go home with me right away. After some consideration, she did go home with me.
The next day we spent the entire morning/afternoon together, but come the evening she again spent time with this guy. I went up to her multiple times, and even introduced myself as her boyfriend to the guy, while he was holding his arm around her.
We spent a bit of time together, but I could feel that she was not happy about it.
She later hung out with the same guy and danced with him, I went up to her again and asked if there was something wrong, and she just told me that she wanted to spent some time with her colleagues to dance, which I respected, so I went to talk to some friends in the business.
Later I tried to call her, but a colleague of hers (which I was good friends with) told me she had left, and another one told me she had left with some guy.
She ignored me the whole day after this, and told me later that it was because of her being so hung over.
And she broke it off with me some days later.
I convinced her to try again, she told that she needed some time as she had just gotten out of a long relationship and had dealt with as bad case of anorexia.
We eventually got back together some days later, and we talked about what happened that weekend, and she basically told me that she had gotten too drunk and went home in a taxi, and another older guy had just walked her home, because of how drunk she was.
And for some reason I believe this.
Fast forward to yesterday, she messaged me that she had seen an old friend of mine, and just to abound any awkward situation she wanted to inform that they had matched on Tinder 7 years ago, nothing happened there besides some texts.
But my jealousy got the better of my and we had a long argument, and I brought up the weekend 3 years ago, because of how bad it made me feel.
In the argument, she said that nothing happened 7 years ago with my buddy. Which is fine, I didn’t really care, we were not together back then, but I felt it was weird to share if nothing happened, so I pressed her, and we talked about the weekend 3 years ago again, due to the broken trust etc from back then.
However, this time the story didn’t match the one she had told me previously. The guy that had walked her home had now changed to the younger guy that she had spent the entire night with.
I got mad and told her to retell her story from that night, and suddenly more info changed.
I pressed her again and she admitted that the younger guy and her had sex that night.
She said she felt so bad afterwards, and that is why she broke up with me in the days after.
However back then she had not told me the real story, so I thought that she was telling the truth with her coming out of a long relationship and her anorexia eating away at her.
I was so in love with her that I told her I would help her get passed the illness, and we actually did. She is much better now, and we had spent 3 amazing years after this incident, and I truely love her, but I don’t know if I can see past this, and the fact that she lied to me for three years.
We had recently planned a long trip to Japan, which we are supposed to leave for in 3 weeks, and we had even been looking to buy a home together for the past months, and even talked babies, dogs etc and when to get that, so we had some good years after and she is really sweet, and all in all a completely changed person from back then.
But I don’t know if I can get passed this. She really betrayed my trust, and disrespected me so badly by behaving that way. Some nights when I feel down I relive that weekend, and it totally destroys me. And now it has become worse when I know why she did everything she did.
I need some advice, as I really love (or at least loved) her.
So I don’t know if I should break it off, or if we should try to move past it. Since nothing has happened like this since.
Should I forgive her? Or should I end it?
29 comments
I mean, she cheated on you, and on top of that she lied about it.
Hard no, end it.
I could only read the first few sentences to know thay she’s going to end it eventually
Do yourself and don’t let people disrespect you (girl openly displaying affection to someone else) (guy holding her infront of you while you told him of relationship)
Have some self respect and leave her
Lied to your face for years with convoluted stories.
Disrespected you publicly at a work event no less.
Not sure why you rug swept it then, but here we are – 3 years on and you’re still reliving that night.
Hard fucking pass dude. Get out of there.
This woman sounds dreadful.
Get an STD test!
She’s been lying to you for your entire relationship. She didn’t admit it, you had to drag it out of her. Ask her if you hadn’t confronted her, how much longer she would have let the lie go on? Would she have waited until after you bought a house together before telling you?
Also, she still hasn’t told you what she did with your friend, and I can’t help but notice she tried really hard to get ahead of you talking to him. You should reach out to him, I’m guessing she’s not just covering up sexual activity but that he may have damaging information about her from 7 years ago.
Finally, how do you really know this is the only time she cheated on you?
This is at the start of your relationship.
You’d just agreed to be exclusive.
She obviously had doubts and decided she didn’t want to be exclusive, but couldn’t tell you that for some reason.
She did what she did and broke up with you because she thought she didn’t want to be exclusive.
She since reconsidered, you got back together, everything has been good since then. She realised the grass wasn’t greener. At least she got that out of her system right at the beginning rather than years down the line.
I think you’re good now, you just need to deal with your feelings on it to get past it.
Forgive her? Fuck no
I don’t know why you got back together with her in the first place after how she treated you that weekend. But you made that decision, so here you are.
Has enough happened in the intervening three years that you do trust her now? Do you think you can still trust her, after learning this information?
Just leave her. You’re still in your 20’s.
This is the exact sort of thing that will slowly crush your self esteem and give you PTSD over that weekend. You’ll obsess about it.
Personally, (and it’s happened to me) I’d make a clean break, work on self, know that she was the problem, not you. She treated you really badly.
She cheated on you in full view. I’d kick her to the curb.
OP I think youve got your answer and you’re just looking for confirmation. And I will absolutely give it to you. I understand its not who she is now but the trust is broken -and that’s so hard to repair.
This is another example of the phenomenon I have observed in this group. More and more post end with this question. “Should I stay or should I go?”. It’s a reasonable question I just didn’t see it for years until the last month or so.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If you stay now you might as well say “cheat as much as you want, I’m not going anywhere.” Don’t become a cuckold.
Leave her and find a better woman. You deserve better.
She cheated on you and lied about it for 3 years and you’re still in doubt?
She still clearly feels guilt the way she told you about the old Tinder thing.
Three years is a long time for someone as young as you two. Logic tells me that if you two have been together since, without any hanky-panky, she deserves the assumption of innocence now.
That said, her recent msg would put me on high alert because, like you, I have trouble with trust once someone has lied to me about something so important to me. I’m experiencing the same feelings as you are. I recently found out about something that happened 5 years ago. I’m not at all inclined to end my marriage over it now, but the implicit trust I had in her is gone and frankly I dont know if it will ever return.
In your case I wonder why she even mentioned her recent contact with your pal. My first thought is something happened. She knows he is an old pal of yours. She is concerned that since you guys know each other, there is a chance he may say something to you about recent events. As a pre-emptive method of generating trust in her, she makes herself look like the good partner that told you everything, before your pal says anything,… before you even knew they had contact. As if to say “I didn’t have to tell you this because you would never know about it but I saw George the other day. By telling you this I hope you see how trustworthy I am”. Uh… Huh…
You will have to decide whether you think you can live with this kind of distrust for what may be a long time. Not because she is necessarily untrustworthy, but because your memory is trying to protect you from bring hurt again even when she is being completely faithful and honest with you.
What was her demeanor and reaction to you finding out about her cheating. And how does she plan on making it up to you?
Oh, I would definitely marry her. You don’t want a cheating liar like her to get away !!! That way, you’ll have the rest of life to get into arguments, and find out olevery other time she lied and/or cheated on you. A real keeper there.
Man , im more intrested with her reactions after you find out , did she convinced you that not gonna happens again or she just throw it all at you that been a years you should just forget it ?
I know I am going to be downvoted, but how were you in love with her after dating for just 1 or 2 days. It truly sounds like you wanted the relationship more than her. It looks like it was very one-sided, and you pushed her to date you.
Now, I agree that you should break up. She was emotionally cheating before she physically cheated. She used anorexia as an excuse, and as someone whose friend died as the result of their anorexia, it makes me mad. Yes, anorexia is a serious disease. I am glad she is doing better, but no one should use that as an excuse. On top of that, she lied. She lied for years. And she didn’t care that she was flirting with someone else. I wouldn’t have given her another shot when she clearly crossed several lines way back when.
Consider it a sign. You found this out before you married, before you bought a house, before you had kids. You don’t have to add “what about the kids” or “my house and bank account”. If you walk away now it will hurt a lot less.
Have you no self respect?
End this, it will not end well for you.
This woman has wasted a significant portion of your life..
Simply leaving her is not enough, surgest you plan a very vengeful exit.. I’m thinking maybe somthing to do with the holiday.. get her to send you the money or somthing then just go by yourself..
You are a mat…You let people walk over you…Stop that
End it. She cheated. She lied. She covered it up for so long. She disrespected you. Are you sure it hasn’t happened again. Won’t happen again? Imo, break up with her. Trust is now gone so no point of holding up the relationship
It wasn’t an accident, she spent all that time planning on fucking this guy and ignoring you. She knew what she was doing, she didn’t care about you. The guy was probably bad in bed and that is why to ran back to you. Are you ok being the back up, becuase she will get another flight of fancy and she willl do it again.
It depends on what you prioritize in a relationship. If you’re looking for a fairytale romance with love and commitment, then break up with her because you’re not getting it.
If on the other hand, you want to build a life with this person with a mutual understanding that you will provide X and she will provide Y then maybe you can salvage it and make something work.
You can make it work if you adapt your expectations. But if you think you’re going to control her, and you’re going to be the only man that she loves, fantasize about, etc, then she’s not the person for you.
End it. You have no future with her. She will do it again when she gets attention later in life.
There is no relationship when you have no trust and she does not have your trust and doesn’t deserve it.
This is the kind of women who destroy your sense of self. Ruin you as a person.
Should’ve ended the moment she preferred another man’s company over yours.
But now too,
This is the end.