a little backstory for context. my fiance and i met when we were both 18 in university. we were friends for a while before we eventually got together at 19 and we recently got engaged a few months back. last year he got a job with really good pay in a different state which is a 4 hour drive from where i live and we’ve already discussed me finding a job and moving there. it makes sense since he earns more than me. now onto the issue. this has been an issue ever since we started dating but it became even worse after we became long distance. earlier in our relationship when we first started dating, it was really hard for him to say no to me. it could be anything ranging from something sexual to something as innocent as me asking him to go grocery shopping with me. for the record i never force him or even expect him to go along with everything i say. for example, there was an incident early on in our relationship where i initiated sex and he said yes, then he changed his mind and said he wasn’t in the mood so i didn’t push it further. he ended up feeling bad and decided to go through with it, but i noticed through his body language that he was hesitant so i tried assuring him it was okay but he couldn’t stop feeling bad and apologising. usually it doesn’t really bother me but there was a point where he would reschedule, change or cancel plans due to him being scared of saying no. this combined with the fact that i get anxious with uncertainty (i really dread last minute plans) really put a strain on our relationship at the beginning. throughout the years we’ve both gotten better. he’s learned to say no and i’ve gotten therapy to be less anxious with uncertain or spontaneous plans. however, ever since we became long distance the issue has resurfaced. i would casually ask him when will he come and visit or when can i visit and he’ll give me a date, only for him to cancel days before our planned date. it got to a point where we had a big fight because i made reservations for us to have dinner a fancy restaurant for his birthday (with a non refundable deposit) only for him to cancel because he has a big project to complete (which he already knew about for weeks). then he ended up feeling bad and decided to surprise me after i’ve already cancelled the reservation and i didn’t mentally prepare myself to see him. we ended up staying in and had a heart to heart and i told him i can’t keep doing this with someone so unreliable and he ended up apologising and telling me it’s hard to say no to me even when he knows he can’t deliver what he promises. i know that the reason why both of us do what we do is rooted in anxiety and i would never blame him for that. he told me he slipped into his old habits because we barely see each other now and he’s afraid that i would be upset if he said no. the thing is, every time he’s upfront with me and says something like “hey i can’t make it this week can we do it on xx date instead?” i never get upset. what gets me is when he says “i’ll keep you updated if i can come this week” and i get excited and do all this preparation only for him to bail at the last minute. and when i ask he’ll tell me he’s known for weeks he can’t make it but he can’t seem to say no to me. i guess my question is, how do we move forward from this? i can’t keep feeling anxious wondering if our plans will happen or not.
tldr: fiance has a hard time saying no to me and it has resulted in anxiety on my part due to not liking last minute plans and is causing a rift in our relationship.
edit: english is not my first language and most of the interactions between me and fiance happened in our native language so sorry if any parts of this is confusing
4 comments
Would you kindly modify this wall of texts into paragraphs with a TLDR somewhere as well pls?
My dude got the beta genes..
Yo this guy needs boundaries. Idk what’s going on with him, but sounds like you asking for stuff or making plans gives him some anxiety and he starts people pleasing or something. He’s not striking a good balance between “yes” and “no”.
For example… say he has to drive 4 hours. You sound like you’re from the US bc that sounds like a wholeass road trip to me, but whatever. Just a shot in the dark, but it sounds like he really doesn’t like driving 4 hrs. But at the same time, he wants to make you happy. So he says yes, then the reality sets in, and he can’t bring himself. Or maybe projects are actually the problem, who knows, could substitute the driving for anything. Point is, sounds like a tug of war in his head. Bc he always doesn’t like going there but always wants to make u happy, yeah?
Add boundaries. How often is he actually ok to come down? Ask him, if he says he has no boundaries, that’s not true. Everybody has boundaries. It’s what he’s ok with doing, what he wants. Then work with that. Maybe you can both travel 2 hours and meet in the middle, idk how America works, just get a clearer idea on how he feels abt the whole arrangement
I think it’s hard for you to do much about it but do you know what they did in therapy? If it was something like CBT with homework he could do them again.
It’s likely that the reason why it got worse right now is either that he is more insecure in your relationship or that it’s more difficult for him to read if you are disappointed over the phone.
So, he find it difficult to say no to you, is he good at telling you what he wants and be explicit with hos wishes even if he is unsure if it’s something you want?