I’ve been with my fiance for nearly 6 years and we plan on getting married next May.
I had a toxic bf in college who I’m pretty sure uploaded photos of me and us on the internet somewhere. I’ve had them taken down multiple times everywhere they popped up but it’s honestly haunting that I’m always afraid there are places they still exist.
Anyway, my fiance went out to drinks with a group of his friends this weekend and one of the guys showed a photo to my fiance that they thought looked like me. Obviously my fiance flipped and when he came home (drunk), he accused me of some pretty awful things.
At first I lied and said he was overreacting but in the morning I was so upset and he was very apologetic that I told him the truth. He was actually incredibly supportive and was both kind to me and angry at my ex. His dad is a lawyer and he said he could help but that would require me to tell my father in law the truth.
I feel so sick about this whole thing. I had almost gotten to a stage where I forgot about it and now it’s all been drudged back up. My fiance also clearly is bothered by what he saw (understandably) and I’m afraid it will hurt our long term relationship.
What can I say to my fiance to make him feel better? Would it be a mistake to involve my father in law to try to take down the photos wherever they are? Are there any support groups for people who have had their photos leaked?
I feel physically sick and I’ve gone back and forth about whether posting this to reddit is even a good idea but I really want advice as I just don’t know what to do.
Please be kind.
TLDR my fiance found out an ex had leaked photos of me and it’s jeopardizing our relationship
35 comments
Just want to make this one point – you don’t need to try to make your fiance feel better. You are the victim here. The only thing I think you should do is talk to your fiance about lying to him and explain your feelings.
If you are worried about your relationship, a counsellor or relationship therapist would be a great idea.
Just be open with your fiancé and ask him how he can help. I’m sure it’ll be fine – it was a long time ago. If he is reasonable, it will be okay. If he is not, and it jeopardizes your future, then that’s his issue and it probably is indicative of who he is as a person.
Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there. Cant speak for others, but for me it would be crushing. I am not sure I would be able to get past it. Very hard way to learn that once something is out of your possession, it can haunt you for years to come. I’m sorry this happened, but let him process, try to be the best you that you can be for him, and hope for the best.
I’m sorry this happened. Hindsight says you should have told him what was going on years ago instead of waiting until you are forced to. If you had then it wouldn’t be a surprise and you would have controlled the story.
But the photos being shared is not your fault. Some states have statutes against revenge corn but it’s hard to say if this falls under that. Talking to an attorney wouldn’t hurt but you have to decide if you are comfortable sharing the whole story with your future FIL or if you would rather talk to someone more neutral. Not wanting to share the gory details with your future FIL is valid.
The reality is if your fiancé can’t handle this then he can’t handle it. You can’t undo what someone else did. Hopefully he can see that.
You are a **victim** of revenge porn. You have absolutely no obligation to make anybody else feel better about a crime that was committed against YOU.
Since you are a victim of a sex crime, it is absolutely up to you on whether you want to try to pursue legal remedies or not. Doing so can re-open trauma, so you are not required to do anything. Control was taken from you, you have control whether or not you want to pursue further legal remedies or not. Either is okay.
Pursuing legal remedies with a potential family member/in-law seems like a pretty difficult thing. Opening trauma to a future FIL is awkward as hell. I would *strongly suggest* that if you want to pursue further legal actions then you should do it with a neutral lawyer that has nothing to do with your fiance or his father.
I am extremely alarmed with your fiance’s initial reaction. You are a victim. He is attacking you. He is making this about him. This is a major, major red flag.
You probably should have a more in-depth conversation and let him know. I agree you need a lawyer (posting pictures of you naked or having sex without your consent is illegal). Maybe find a lawyer that isn’t going to be your future father-in-law.
you can’t really make him feel better it will either bother him enough to not want to be with you anymore or he will choose to be okay with it. He is trash for uploading the pics, but your past always comes back to haunt you.
Edit: To make it hopefully abundantly clear, which unfortunately makes my comment far too long, yes the fiance can have feelings. But they do not come before OP’s as the direct victim in this situation. The fiance is adversely impacted, but this is not equivalent to direct victimization. Nor is acknowledging such equivalent to arguing that the fiance’s feelings don’t matter. Both deserve support, just in different ways and for different reasons, but OP is the direct victim. That is a fact.
It is, to be clear, all too common on this sub for posts involving non-consensual pornography of women to receive problematic comments *most often* from men (and sometimes from women) shaming and guilting the woman while supporting the boyfriend. Both deserve support, and women are not sl *ts for having sexual pasts. It’s as simple as that.
And if the genders were reversed, yes, I’d be supporting the male OP just as I am supporting the female OP. I do believe the comments on such posts would involve a lot less sl *t shaming of the male poster by male commenters, BUT men on such posts who are sexually victimized also face the unique and disturbing challenge of being told to “man up,” “you should be lucky she finds you that attractive,” “but all men love sex all the time?,” “she’s just a horny woman!,” “come on man, enjoy it!” In other words, nobody benefits from a culture in which women are shamed for having sexual pasts and men are shamed for not “enjoying” being sexually assaulted and raped.
Similar social norms harm both men and women. Women are socialized into believing they are sl * ts if they have sexual pasts, and men are socialized into believing they should always want sex, all the time, and that they can’t be raped or assaulted. This is why we should all want to work together to end sexual victimization of all genders (and not just cisgender men and cisgender women).
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Initial comment: First of all, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. This is not your fault, and you do not deserve it.
Second, I am going to be upfront and transparent with you, because I’ve seen a lot of posts along this vein, and a lot of the responses on such posts can be troubling. I’ve frequently seen comments, most often from male users, on posts about this topic that blame the woman and shame her, focus solely on the male partner’s feelings, and dismiss the fact that the woman is the victim in such situations and has no fault to bear for someone else spreading her photos or videos without consent.
While I understand your fiance being upset initially and having many questions before he knew the context surrounding the photo that was shared, I hope you prioritize yourself in this situation. Now that your fiance knows the context in this situation, which is that you are a victim of non-consensual pornography through no fault of your own, I hope that he supports you. It sounds like he does and he will, and that’s good.
However, I am wary of comments such as this one: (“Honestly there is nothing you can say/do to make him feel better. He needs to process this, and decide what he wants from there.”).
This is not a situation in which your fiance’s feelings should come first. I am not understanding why someone would feel “crushed” that their partner is a victim of, in many places, a crime *(Edit: to clarify, this particular sentence directly preceding these parentheses, and the one in quotes, was in reference to a person whose comment referred to the partner as probably feeling “crushed” because he had to “think about what other men have done behind closed doors.” Sorry for the confusion/lack of context. I am NOT saying that the fiance shouldn’t feel crushed that his fiancee was victimized – I am saying that commenter’s specific perspective minimizes the non-consensual and violating nature of her victimization).* He should be supporting you – again, as it sounds like he is – and the focus should be on your victimization, not on helping him “get over” seeing an image shared of you without your consent.
Please keep in mind that *you* are the victim here. I’m not saying you have to call yourself that or identify that way! Merely saying that I’ve seen a lot of men on posts like this call the male partner a victim, and blame the woman for something that was out of her control. If you get any such comments, I hope you are able to not internalize them.
>Are there any support groups for people who have had their photos leaked?
I will share some resources below for people who have experienced this.
* [The Cyber Civil Rights Initiative](https://cybercivilrights.org/) is a survivor-led organization for victims of non-consensual pornography (NCP). They offer a 24/7 crisis line at 844-878-CCRI (2274), referrals to pro bono and low bono attorneys, image removal guides, information about state and international law around NCP, research on NCP, and more.
* [Without My Consent](https://withoutmyconsent.org/) is similar to the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, although they have now been folded into CCRI. They offer a helpful Something Can Be Done Guide for survivors of non-consensual pornography as well as a multitude of other resources. Their guide contains information about evidence preservation, copyright reservation, restraining orders, and online privacy.
* [The Safety Net project](https://www.techsafety.org/) from the National Network to End Domestic Violence offers a survivor toolkit for individuals who have experienced abuse involving technology. The toolkit covers technology safety planning, documentation guidance, and technology-facilitated sexual assault guidance.
Good luck OP!
Truth is that he is unlikely to get over it. You imply that the pics are something that probably made him feel like sex with the ex was better (bigger dick, differing acts, whatever). Almost no man wants to marry a woman and think he isn’t her “best”. When faced with photographic evidence to the contrary, he is going to have a hard time.
People will try to “shame him” and “dismiss” his concerns – but, this type of “feelings invalidation” will likely just drive him further away. In his mind, he is likely contemplating just starting over with a clean slate with someone else.
To be clear, this doesn’t make the whole thing “your fault”. But, to worry about “who’s fault” it is will not address any of your issues.
What can your fiance say to you to make you feel better about being the victim of revenge porn…? And how is this jeapordizing your relationship? You’ve said he’s offered his dad’s help to get them taken downb.
Use what ever means it takes to get those pictures down. It may be hard to relive this but remember, this is not your fault. Most likely your FIL will find out if this is also a criminal act as well and see if any charges can be pressed on your ex. there might also be a statute of limitations as well but go through the trauma now. you have the support of your fiance and you know you are safe with him. Get this all out of you system and don’t repress it.
After everything is done and over with, you don’t have to worry anymore about them and you know you will always have support.
Good luck OP and I hope you the best.
Ok, some of the commenters here are clueless. He saw something most guys would never want to see. And it keeps playing in his head. Mind movies they are referred to.
I want to stress, you did nothing wrong. Whatever decision you make about getting them taken down or not is right for you. And yours is the only opinion that matters being the victim. I’m not sure I would want my ffil involved. That is tough to decide.
You are going to have to give him time. I would strongly recommend that he get counseling to give him techniques to battle intrusive thoughts when they pop into his head. And honestly, you being the victim, maybe some counseling as well. Then, down the road, hopefully couples counseling if needed.
I’m sorry you’re in this spot through no fault of your own. I’m hoping for a positive outcome and a long, great relationship for you both.
Your husband reacted at first with shock, but it sounds like he’s supporting you. Yea he’s bothered by it, someone he loves is a victim of something terrible.
This is definitely a very tricky situation. firstly you are definitely a victim in this situation. I’m sorry that you had to go through this situation. I would try to explore every possible avenue you can to try to get the person who has done this and hopefully they can reach a reckoning one day. Hopefully karma comes and bites him in the ass.
For your finance, honestly there isn’t much you can do realistically. All you can really do is just be you. Give him some time to process all his feelings and emotions in this situation. Remember this is all new information to him, and right now he is experiencing a ocean of different emotions. Let him come to his own conclusion and hopefully it is a happy conclusion for you both.
Revenge p.rn is a *crime.*. Your ex leaked photos of you without your consent. Take your fiancé and your FIL down with you to the police station to file a report.
Sorry this happened to you.
I think speaking to a lawyer is the best bet. If you are uncomfortable speaking to your FIL then choose another lawyer.
Why do people take videos and pics for their bfs? It never ends well. Is it even that awesome to experience in the moment?
You’re the victim, not your bf. He’s a 30 year old man, and while it’s infuriating and shocking, he should see this for it is, a revenge porn assault on your person. He should be supportive and protective, not judgmental, victim blaming, and centering his bruised ego. Follow ebbie’s guidance, but wanted to amplify, your current bf should not make this worse by making your current relationship strained over something you didn’t do, didn’t consent to, and only want to stop. It isn’t your fault at all. He’s allowed feelings, but a therapist, parent, friend is who he should process them w/, not you. You deserve support not grief!
Tbh you are the victim and all the previous comments about u being the victim are correct. However ur partner has seen something that every man fears which is no fault of ur own. Tbh the best thing u can do is be there for each other, understand this comes with no fault on ur own. He is very supportive which is good and when he does feel alittle down about it which he will let him express it. Honestly men already have enough emotions to hide and bottle up don’t let this be another load to add on. Be honest with each other and understand this is a crime done to you. Also his friends are assholes if they know the context of what happened. whether it was a joke or not no man wanna see their girl on porno or be reminded of that. I suggest therapy for yourself if u have the resources and possible legal actions if possible.
You can’t make him feel better. He will always have those images in his head. It’s just how it is. He may be able to bury them but they will randomly pop up forever.
That said. Your ex is a total scumbag. He belongs in the 9th circle of hell for his treachery. I’m sorry this has happened. This is why I always understood when a woman didn’t want any photos taken. I get the risk they’re taking.
If your fiance is saying he can have his dad help then clearly it’s not an issue you have to worry about in regard to his feelings towards you. I will say though, this is something you should’ve warned him about when you first met. People who have nudes of you are always a liability and you have to understand that. Just because it’s a nude of you, you literally have no control over what someone does with them. You can tell them all you want that they don’t have your permission to share them, but unless you can pinpoint it directly to him there’s nothing you can do.
Anyway, yes involve your father in law so that you can bring legal action to your ex and hopefully get him punished and learn that he can’t keep doing this.
Once it’s done, talk to your fiance and tell him you know you should’ve told him about this possibility before and you apologize for him getting blindsided by this, but it means the world to you that he knows this was before you two met and in no way means anything other than a lapse in judgement when in college
Revenge porn is an internet crime. Press charges against your ex-boyfriend. Go to the police.
He needs to get over himself simple as that
I am sorry but you will never get all the pics down, just live with it. But talk to your man and let him know that was your past before him, and now your his. Ps you can try a google search monthly and file take down requests
It should have been discussed in the first few weeks of seeing him not years down the road and you lied about it….
Nope – the more you want his dad in it the better. Your fiancé wants you to be mad because he is.
What your ex did is unforgivable and he deserves nothing but the worst.
Your fiancé loves you and realizes you did nothing. Tell him you appreciate his support and how much he means to you. He will have a giant smile
Wow within 6 hours user deleted…
There’s serious laws against revenge porn. Look into it. It’ll help you get closure and you may even get some punitive damages ($)
My first piece of advice is don’t talk to random Redditors about your relationship with a guy who sounds like he genuinely loves you. The drunk accusations are kind of red flaggy but if it leveled out in the AM then it’s up to your discretion.
But he seems like he’s got the relationships best interests at heart. Go talk to him about everything you just posted.
-worried it’ll affect relationship
-not sure if telling FIL will help
-check statute of lim in your state
I will say that going to court will likely only at best have either jail time or damages costs but there isn’t any real thing the law can do outside of repercussions to the poster and that depends on the laws in your state.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and while you may get the photos taken down you can’t delete them from peoples phones. So outside of 24/7 running a facial recognition software that tells you every time something is posted of you on the internet. You’ll never fully get it off. I’m sure there are support groups out there, it’s shitty this happened.
Ask fiance for a different lawyer instead of his dad. And BTW, why did you even lie to your fiance about the whole deal? You are sending him massive red flags when things like this should’ve been disclosed way before things got serious between the two of you.
I would involve father-in-law. Your ex should be punished for what he did. And unfortunately you can’t stop the pictures they are already in circulation. But you can make sure your ex is punished for breaking the law.
Also it doesn’t sound like your partner needs anything from you? He is upset on your behalf and wants to help/protect you. I don’t know why you feel like you need to reassure him.
But you have to realize, this isn’t going away
I love that ebbie45 is here for you. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Your being offered free legal help? TAKE IT! And don’t worry, you can’t shock a lawyer. Not even a STB FIL.
Gotta protect them videos people!!
You are a victim and he is angry and upset. Yes I would call the police and report this, you can hire a lawyer but it should not be his father