I’ve (25F) been married to my husband (25M) for 4-5 months now, and have known him for around a year and a half.
During the time that we were dating, he was very affectionate – physically, verbally and emotionally. However, since getting married, it feels like it has all disappeared. He’s either at work, with his nuclear family, or just too tired. We don’t spend much time together anymore compared to before we got married.
After having looked into what to do when you feel unloved, I tried to change my perspective by showing him more love so that he might reciprocate it. It hasn’t worked. I did bring it up to him recently, and his response was that he’s not loving towards me because I‘ve insulted him numerous times (which I have done, and have stopped doing). The insults only began because I was hurt about not receiving any love.
A lot of the times, I would wait multiple days after trying and trying to make him feel loved. I wouldn’t get anything back after so much patience and effort, which would lead me snap. It really has been building up inside me since the wedding, and when it leaks out, it’s normally though some form of negativity (such as me telling him that he’s a horrible husband).
I’m tired and lonely. I’ve been trying to communicate with him more openly before I feel worse, but it’s still not working. Everything almost always comes down to what I’ve done wrong.
What do I do?
5 comments
My wife has the same problem as you, when she gets upset about something it comes out in negative comments. And it hurts. But I have learned that this is just one of her flaws and when she gets like that I will tell her she is being hurtful. And then we talk about it and when she calms down she apologizes and tells me she loves me and how wonderful I am.
The key is keeping the lines of communication open. If your husband is not doing that, if he’s running off to his nuclear family, or saying he’s too tired, or otherwise avoiding you, and then when you try and make attempts to reach out he’s ignoring those, then he’s trying to “get back at you” that is make you feel as bad as you made him feel. we call it tit-for-tat.
Ending that is what the turn the other cheek philosophy from Jesus was all about. If you and your husband can’t do that, then find a marriage counselor and learn how.
Hey, friend. First off, this is pretty normal for year 1. Hang in there. Some of this is that y’all are learning how to love each other, some of this is just plain old learning how to be married.
But here’s the thing to try. It’ll sound a little crazy and if I’m reading between the lines right, you may not even want to try it. But here goes anyways. **Be respectful**. Use respectful language, show appreciation for what he does and for who he is. He’s a man. He craves respect the way you crave love. It’s why you’re insults hurt him so. Nobody fills me up like my wife. When she expresses appreciation for anything I do or about me, it lifts me up like nothing else. And no one can tear me down quicker either, she’s learned not to abuse that. Often I deserve it, but it’s definitely a responsibility that a wife carries, often without even realizing it. All this is based off of 21 years of marriage and the book “Love and Respect”, check it out, it’s pretty cheap.
Prayers friend.
First let me say that I love that you changed your perspective on the situation and decided to love on him more, but sorry it did not work for you. If only others would try this it could save them a lot of heartache. Try reading the book together The Five Love Languages. Love this book. It will bring closeness to the both of you and open the lines of communication. The first year of marriage is rough, but you are working on trying to heal it and figure each other out, which is good. Keep pushing forward. God Bless.
I’m so sorry for this situation. I’m not sure what caused the change in behavior. Perhaps consider trying to ask him in a calm moment to see if there is something that has changed. Try to talk it out, communication is key in relationships. Counseling may also help, whether in couples or just you. I would consider being cautious if the behavior worsens. Take care and good luck. Prayer for peace, wisdom and guidance.
We all have to be mindful of our words. Once they’re out there, they can never be taken back. It sounds like your husband is hurting. Did you two have counseling prior to marriage? If communication is the issue, I’d recommend seeking professional support. Best to you both.