I’ve got a friend who asks me to watch her cat whenever she goes out of town, which when this first started was only a couple times a year but lately has increased to at least every other month if not more frequently, and each time for 3-6 days at a stretch. We’ve known each other for a decade and the requests started up back in 2018 when I moved closer to her.
Love my friend, love her cat, and I’m happy-ish to help… but unlike a normal “drop by and make sure the cat has food, water, and a clean litterbox every other day” situation, this cat needs to be given medicine twice/day. My friend lives 30 minutes away from me (maybe 45 with traffic) so twice a day I have to drive 30-45 minutes, find parking in the apartment complex parking lot, walk to the building, wait for the elevator up, do the needful with the cat, and then travel back home. All total, each trip ends up being +90 minutes each time, twice a day.
I didn’t mind at all when this was only a once or twice a year favor, but it’s getting to be a lot now that she’s asking more frequently. I’ve hinted that she could ask other friends to help and maybe have one of us do morning feedings and the other the afternoon, but she didn’t take the bait. Given that I’ve got pets of my own and cats don’t travel well as it is, I also wouldn’t be super keen on having her drop the cat off.
So… is there a way out of this obligation that doesn’t just end with me saying “no, can’t help” and damaging our friendship? (For whatever it’s worth, she did return the favor for me once maybe 5 years ago and checked in on my cat twice while I was on a weeklong vacation, but she did such a bad job that I never asked her again and instead pay my neighbor’s kid do it for me now)
Tl;dr: am a friend’s go-to cat sitter, but it’s a 3 hour/day commitment and the requests have gotten too frequent. What’s the best way out of it?
28 comments
I don’t think politely saying, “Hey, sorry, I can’t help you this time, I hope you can find someone else” should damage your friendship. 3 hours a day is a big ask and it’s been kind of you to help so much this far.
Also, do you want to say no forever, or would you be able to help a few times a year? Because you can say that, too. “Hey, I’m getting busy and I won’t be able to help look after Kitty as often in the future. I can help in July-August but not through the fall.” Or something like that. Just give her a heads up.
Unfortunately you do have to be direct, but direct =/= rude or impolite. She’s being clear with what she’s asking of you, so go ahead and be clear back with your own limitations. Nothing wrong with that. If you keep doing this for her at cost to yourself and your free time you might get resentful and that’s even worse for a friendship. Good luck.
Unless your friend is very sensitive to perceived rejection in some way, I can’t see how it would damage your friendship to just say next time “actually, I’m going to be too busy to do it that weekend so you’ll need to get a different sitter” or something of the sort. If you’re genuinely willing you could offer to do it once a day or only on weekends or whatever, but you certainly don’t have to. Repeat as needed, saying yes only however often you actually want to do this favor for her. If you want you can make it a more general “I’m getting really busy at work so I can’t keep taking this much time away, so you should probably plan on a sitter for the next several months – I’ll let you know if that changes in the future.”
I had a friend that expected me to do the same with her dog after I dog sat in my home once due to a last minute family emergency. She asked me twice again after that time (for a normal vacation when I know she had used a pet sitter before and had no financial issues) and I just said, “sorry I can’t” both times and she stopped asking.
No harm, no foul. You don’t need to give an excuse or say “I can’t THIS TIME” bc that show’s future intention. If she doesn’t want to be friends with you bc of this, well, she’s not a good friend.
This is the most unbelievably unrealistic ask, it’s stunning. Hours a day, for days, multiple times?
You’ll have to be direct and hope this friend gets it. “This really takes quite a bit of time, and I can help out on occasion or in an emergency, but this is too much.”
Next time she asks just decline and say it’s not a good time. You’re busy with something or have some other obligation. She’ll get the message and you don’t have to send a declaration that you’re no longer pet sitting for her. You don’t need to unload all the whys and wherefores unless she asks.
“Hey [friend], I’m so sorry, but I’m not going to be able to catsit much going forward. I could do it once or twice a year, but a few times a month just isn’t possible for me anymore. I wanted to let you know in advance so you aren’t counting on me next time you go on a trip.”
You could take out the “once or twice a year” stuff if you want to make a hard break, but I think doing it occasionally could help to smooth over hard feelings.
Bro just say its too much.
Be apologetic if you have to but dont back down, say what you have to say, but dont let her haggle your into ‘some’ responsibility. Especially if she texts you at a later date crying that she cant find anyone to sit her cat. Dont be a doormat.
Text her today: “Heads up, I will no longer be available for cat-sitting. Wanted to give you advance warning so you have time to make alternate arrangements.”
They need to find a neighbor that can do it or board the cat at a vet.
No more ‘purr’-crastinating, time to set boundaries meow! 🐾😸
Soo you looked after her super needy cat multiple times and she returned the favor by doing such a terrible job pet-sitting for you that you wouldn’t trust her to do so again? I mean…. I think most people would have stopped doing her favors after that.
If she’s really your friend, it’s not going to negatively impact the friendship to tell her “I’m sorry, I just won’t be able to pet-sit for you any more.” You can make up an excuse if you want, but “it’s just not going to work for me” should be reason enough.
Dear man skill would be great to use here! DEAR MAN teaches a strategy for effective communication. Using this skill, anyone can learn to express their needs and wants in a way that is respectful to themselves and others, increasing the likelihood of positive outcomes.
Basically just google dearman worksheets and try and teach yourself this skill. I learnt it in therapy :).
She’s using you, no one would put up with that.Wise up.
If I were you, I’d bring it up before she asks again. “Hey, the catsitting is taking an hour and a half twice a day, that’s too much for me now, figured I’d give you a heads up.” Don’t make it a big deal, just be like ‘ok yes obviously it’s way too much for an ask’
Assume she is reasonable. You say you love her. So treat it like it hadn’t occurred to her how long it was taking you (possible) and of course it’s too much
So she did such a bad job taking care of your cat that you never asked her again, but she has you going to her place to give her cat medicine/food/water which involves a 30-45 minute drive twice a day multiple times a year? Is she a good friend in other ways? I sure hope so, because it sounds like you’re being used. This is not a reasonable ask, especially since she did a shit job when given the opportunity return the favour.
OP this is more of an inability to say no or set boundaries issue on your end. You need to examine why you let this go on for so long and why you can’t face to say no to your friend. I was like that too when I was younger and found that therapy helped a lot.
Are you in love with this friend? Or afraid of them? There seems to be a huge power imbalance here.
Why would telling her “sorry I can’t I’m busy” damage the relationship? It’s not like you’re neighbors where you can pop in for a quick second. She’s an adult. She can figure something else out if you’re not available. It’s part of having a pet.
Either way, I don’t think you need to have a talk with her. When she asks, just politely decline and tell her you cant. No need to over explain. She might just think it’s no big deal since you always say yes no matter what.
If politely telling her that you’re no longer available to be taken advantage of will harm the friendship, the friendship probably needs to harmed.
I have a cat and I’ve occasionally asked friends to cat sit. I would *never* ask a friend to make two 90 minute round trips per day unless it was an emergency situation and I couldn’t find a better solution. You also didn’t mention any payment — I hope she’s been paying you for all this work. The only people I don’t pay to watch my cat are my parents, and I drop off the cat at their house; I don’t expect them to travel to him. If I don’t have them watch him, I pay a professional cat sitter to visit daily or I find a friend or acquaintance who wants to come and stay in my house with him, and I also pay them.
Arranging for pet care can be expensive, especially for pets with medical needs. That’s something that pet owners need to budget for when they travel. It’s unreasonable to expect a friend to do this much work for free on a regular basis.
Huh? You can politely decline.
“I’m sorry I can’t babysit the cat”
You don’t need an excuse. She shouldn’t expect you to say yes. If it damages the relationship it is her damaging it not you.
Ughhh I never ask my friends for pet sitting help, she def sounds like shes taking advantage
Your friend is taking advantage of you. Whenever my friend asks me to watch her cats when she’s out of town she pays me.
Hi, you know I love Mr Whiskers but no, I can’t keep driving 30-45 minutes to your home, then 30-45 minutes back two times a day for a total of a 2-3 hour commute whenever you go on vacation. I should have said no sooner, that’s on me, but from here on out, you need to find a friend closer to you *or hire a professional cat sitter.*
If she dumps you over that instead of apologizing, then not-a-friend.
Professional pet sitter: I’d be charging $40-50 a day for these service ($10/per visit, $10 medication fee daily, $10-20 distance charge). Your friend likely knows this and is taking advantage of your generosity. Tell her this is simply not feasible for you anymore without help or compensation. If this is the straw that breaks the camels back for her, perhaps she wasn’t as good of a friend as you thought anyway.
I would start the conversation early, before she has a trip scheduled. And just tell her what you told Reddit. It’s too much of a time commitment and she needs to spread the love to other friends/family.
Does your friend pay you??!
This is an outrageous request if not.
We have 3 cats and a good friend of mine house / cat sits when we go away. I pay him usually $40-50 a day because it’s still cheaper than what we would pay a cat sitter
If saying “sorry no, I can’t do it this time, ” damages ur relationship, then she not really ur friend and is just using you .
>So… is there a way out of this obligation that doesn’t just end with me saying “no, can’t help” and damaging our friendship?
How fragile is this friendship that saying no to being a free petsitter would damage it?
How would you describe the relationship?
You are too kind. She is taking advantage. “Happy to mind the cat a couple of weekends a year, but you go away a lot more now, and I think it might be time to consider a paid sitter or sharing the job around a bit. I’m still happy to assist, but not as often as you are now asking.” And you could point out the hours it takes. Time for some friendly push-back.