Hanging (26M) out with my brother (30M) today where out of nowhere he starts going full “anti-woke” spewing shit like “fuck queer fuck trans fuck blm” and describing wokeness as a religion/mental illness. Definitely not out of nowhere in the grand scheme of things but moreso in the context of my visit here/the conversation we were having. Everything to this point has been inane
Partner and I are visiting from out of town and are only here for two weeks. We live thousands of miles away from everyone in general.
My partner’s family lives nearby and had asked a few days ago if my brother and his wife wanted to come by for dinner. We’ve been dating for 4 and a half years so this is a serious relationship/meeting. They are a very progressive family, and my partner’s sister is gay. I initially asked my brother to not talk about or mention those thoughts if he were to come, to which he responded that if they were brought up he will 100% say what he thinks. I’m obviously worried that this might happen and he will say something significantly harmful to my partner/her family/her sister and to my relationship. After thinking about it for a few hours, I ultimately disinvited him from the meal, saying that I think his presence could be unsafe for the other people involved.
Any suggestions on how I should approach this now/in the future? Should I be open to meeting with him separately from with my partner’s family if I know he holds world views that are directly harmful to them? Really smart/successful guy and definitely my role model growing up but increasingly backwards when it comes to worldview. We have always had significant and direct tension in this realm of things, but lived through parent-centered traumas together as children so tough to figure out healthy boundaries.
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Personally, I have removed people from my life who have views that I consider hateful and harmful, especially toward people I love. Life feels a whole lot better without those people in it.
I’ve found that I must put up a big brick wall when it comes to certain topics. I have 2 in-laws that I used to enjoy but when I got to know them well their ignorance and hate which began to show. I spoke to both and explained that I’m down with being friends if we avoid certain subjects like conspiracies (especially cloud seeding), Jews, Muslims, Blacks, Mexicans, homeless people, and LGBTQ.
That was 2 years ago and for some reason they both keep pushing my boundary, every time we are together or talk on the phone. One even says “I know you don’t want to hear this, but…”. When it happens I get off the phone or go out of the room and leave them sitting there.
Just ignore him. People like that have a hard time changing their views.