Women who are in healthy relationships after a toxic/abusive one, what was the biggest difference?

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1. I feel valued, loved, supported, not afraid to open up or share.

2. Getting to feel finally safe.

3. The fact that he stays calm when I communicate my feelings.

4. I am so much more relaxed! I’m not having to constantly come up with a defense or justification for everything. I no longer worry about whether my partner is doing something out of genuine care or is manipulating me. I choose my own company and do things on my own without guilt. I can be myself without being shamed or judged.

5. Safety, stability and confidence.

6. [removed]

7. I feel safe. Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. I’m also a lot happier – I mean I was without my boyfriend, too. But he adds more happiness into my life rather than adding in stress.

   I am not worried about ruining his day by mentioning I’m upset about something. If I mention I’m upset, he’ll listen. He respects that my job can be stressful (my ex never did because his job was so stressful how could mine ever be), he helps clean up around the house, he cares about if my mood seems off. He tells me *it’s not my responsibility if he gets to work late* when it would 100% be with my ex. Niceties I do for him don’t turn into hard requirements. Sex doesn’t hurt – my body was probably trying to tell me something before and I wasn’t listening.

8. The person I’m currently dating doesn’t have to be asked or begged to spend time with me. She does it on her own because she likes spending time with me.

9. Not walking on eggshells constantly- it was such a relief to not worry about what was going to set him off constantly.

10. I never get yelled at anymore. I don’t have to cherry pick my words to avoid a blowup. I just say what I want, how I want, and my bf never changes the topic by accusing me of “having an attitude.”

11. I feel that after being in a damaging relationship, identifying the differences when my healthy relationship is at its most difficult shows the biggest contrast.

    Now, when we do have an argument, I feel like everything will still be ok. I’m safe. He’s safe. There’s no sense of impending doom, no fear, no bullying or pettiness. We lay out our differences of opinion, thoughts and ideas for resolution and when it’s done, it’s done – I’m not waiting for retaliation or a power play.

    When things are at their most difficult and I feel safe, loved and respected – then I know I’m with the right person.

12. He doesn’t hit, abuse, manipulate, SA, or otherwise abuse me.

13. I’m not shamed or blamed or feel needy when I bring up issues in the relationship. It feels more like an exchange where we try to resolve an issue together then a me vs him situation. He respects my boundaries. He’s also constant with communication, supports me and celebrate my achievements.

14. I have an actual partner in life, not someone who I would have to constantly fight for myself with. It’s a huge relief.

15. Not feeling like I have to talk about how little I ate that day in order to prove that I’m getting skinnier. Not worried about being called trashy based on the length of shorts I wear.

    My current bf never stops telling me how good I look

16. Not feeling anxiety and guilt every time I am running late, want to do something, or speak with a friend or family member.

17. Not being so damn scared all the time!! Scared to give bad news, scared to say no, scared to buy nice things, scared to ask for help. Walking on eggshells ALL the time.

    Being able to communicate in a healthy way, even if the subject is tense.

    I will say it takes YEARS to undo that mindset though. I still sometimes shut down completely when I feel overwhelmed to talk about something. Even if it’s something small. And it’s been over 3 years since I left my ex.

18. It’s incredibly easy.

19. I finally feel safe. All my experiences with him, whether it’s shopping, talking about issues or in the bedroom are positive.
    Even the most difficult conversations aren’t tiring or nerve wracking, but calming because it means that whatever issue is bothering us will get better.

    I finally feel safe enough to speak my mind and let him see me for who I am.
    There’s no pressure, no anger, no fear. It’s just so safe and peaceful.

20. This sounds obvious but honestly I didn’t know that being in a relationship could add PEACE to my life. Because of my last toxic relationship for a while I was convinced that I would never be more at peace than I was alone and I was wrong. My partner now makes me feel so supported and safe, it’s done a lot to improve both my mental health and even my relationship with myself. Like, he’s so patient with me that that made me start giving myself a little grace too.

21. My partner and I recently discussed this exact topic (both of us came from toxic [and in his case, abusive] relationships).

    The biggest impact we’ve noticed is that we can comfortably communicate our feelings as we are feeling them. We don’t feel the need to prep the conversation in our minds, watch out for eggshells, or anything negative.

    “Hey, that thing you said hurt my feelings and here’s why …”
    “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way. Here’s what I meant …”
    Resolved. Most importantly, when we communicate those things, the other person actually listens and enacts changes.

    We’ve also discovered, through this healthy communication, we both have more triggers than we previously realized. Or, some things that we thought were triggers are actually just things we (at the individual level) need to grow through.

    Having a safe space to talk, and not be called crazy or it leading to a huge blown up screaming match brings so much peace. We can have conflict without it ruining the whole day/week. Highly recommend!

22. respect

23. Being around my (healthy) partner gives me energy and reduces stress.

    Being around my (abusive/toxic) ex drained me of energy and increased stress. Sadly it took me a really long time to realise that, but thankfully I did. I didn’t fully realise it was an abusive relationship until a while after I had managed to properly end it.

    There are/were so many things that are completely different, things I didn’t see or realise were wrong while with my ex (it didn’t get abusive overnight, it snuck up on me, as it does for so many). Now I keep being kinda mind blown over the things I put up with, the things I convinced myself were acceptable, the things I ignored and “let go”.

24. There are no actual fights. No screaming, no slammed doors, no running out of the house and driving off, etc. When disagreements/tough conversations happen, the vibe may be intense but it’s never scary or harrowing. I never worry that he won’t understand my POV or that I’ll risk losing him when we butt heads. Sometimes we even hold hands when we argue, which is a grounding technique he taught me that blew my mind.

25. honest and open communication, self awareness of your/their own shit, and respect for a partner.

26. Everything is just easy. I can go out and do my own thing without worrying about my phone being blown up, I can actually have privacy and my own goals in life without feeling.. suffocated. I actually enjoy my sex life now. I can talk about my feelings and be understood or at least considered. It’s just so peaceful.

27. It’s the willingness to apologize, give love, and communicate that makes all the difference. I do think it takes time to change your mindset after being in toxic relationships and know that you don’t have to walk on eggshells. And understanding that even a good man is still flawed

28. at first, it can feel boring. that’s how it was with me. i was so used to chaos and toxicity so when my (ex) partner showed me kindness and stability, it felt boring and the “butterflies” (which i now recognize as uncomfortability) weren’t really there. i just felt so comfortable with him.

    looking back it slowly stopped being healthy, though. and he never fully loved me the way i thought. still the healthiest relationship i’ve ever been in. i’m still sad we couldn’t work through the rougher bits.

29. Actually feeling like I could open up without knowing my pain or what I was going through at the time wouldn’t be weaponized against me later. For example, my dad passed from an OD and my ex would tell me he hopes I die the same way, he’d make fun of my father, etc. my boyfriend now, I couldn’t even imagine that leaving his mouth I know if he said something like that it would hurt him so badly to see how much that hurt me but, yeah just the freedom to open up about your trauma, even just your bad day.

30. The peace and comfort..the fact that I can actually say what’s on my mind without being judged, called stupid or gaslit. It feels like home.

31. Being able to talk about my issues/feelings and them not taking it as a personal attack/arguing. The problem is though I find myself oversharing and over explaining everything now so I’m trying to reel it in lol previously my only options were to prepare for a nasty argument or suffer in silence. I’ve been free of that relationship over a year now and I still sometimes get triggered by certain things, but I’ve improved a lot.

32. I have trusted my current partner from day one because he communicates honestly and is very transparent. My ex husband was a lying, cheating, manipulative leech and I didn’t believe a single word that came out of his freeloading mouth by the end of our marriage. I immediately knew my current partner was a good, kind and dependable person because they showed me that from the get-go, so I’ve never, not for one second, doubted them.

33. The freedom.

    I now have a boyfriend who likes to do things with his friends and likes seeing me do things with my friends. I didn’t celebrate my birthday for 9 years with my ex because he never wanted to do anything. It’s incredible.