I (23 f) don’t feel anything for my husband (25m) anymore and I don’t know why. My husband is a good father and a good partner. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years. I’ve always loved my husband and went out of my way to do special things for him because I wanted to. Now, while I still do those things to make him feel loved and appreciated, I find them more of a chore than something I want to do. 9/10 I don’t feel much of anything towards him. Not love. Not hate. Not anger. Not sadness. Not anything. I don’t know why. I’m extremely emotionally distant from my husband and I’ve tried to reignite something in every way I can think of. I’m not sure what else to do, but I’m really starting to fear we will end up divorcing due to my inability to return feelings he has.It’s even at a point where if he did something horrible in our relationship like cheating on me, I don’t think I’d blink an eye about it. He’s still my best friend and I care about him a lot in that way. I’m really having a hard time connecting with him emotionally anymore though. No event has lead to this disconnect either. Things have been good. Any advice of any kind would be greatly appreciated as I want to make our marriage work, I’m just at a loss when it comes to my own lack of emotions.
^^^^this lack of feeling has been for nearly 6 months.
Edit:: Since I’ve been getting a lot of DM’s and a couple comments about communicating with my husband. He is fully aware of the situation and even knows I have posted this, outsourcing for ideas. We have had many clear and rational conversations about this and both want to see change. Unfortunately due to the cost of health care where I live and myself being in school right now, between the cost of tuition and raising our family, we do not presently have the extra funds for therapy/couples counseling.
24 comments
Talk to him about it. The key is to keep dating your partner. But if he doesn’t know anything is wrong how can you fix it?.
OP,
If nothing traumatic has happened in your marriage, you may want to consider getting a health checkup by a doctor. You could be suffering from a chemical or nutritional imbalance which lab work would help identify.
Another way to try to get emotional intimacy is to practice emotional validation (follow the script). My wife and i’s marital counselor wants us to do a daily de-stressor at night where each person takes up to 15 minutes to share their top stress of the day using the emotional validation techniques.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-validation-425336
Communicate your feelings clearly.
Simply talk to him.
Tell him how you’re feeling.
Ask him what he thinks the best way to resolve this situation would be.
If you both want to work on the relationship it’ll work out.
Sounds like you just want to be single again.
Emotions are affected by how you value something the certainty of you having something or keeping it. The term familiarity breeds contempt have a lot of truth based on it.
There are several things you can do that will go a long way, but you probably won’t like any of them.
1. Go on a media fast. Get off the internet, don’t watch anything without him, don’t listen to garbage on the radio. Don’t read anything that gets you emotionally invested.
2. Get on a high protein diet. Lower your carbs and increase your meat intake. Protein will increase you hormone levels and perhaps increase your desire overall.
3. Focus on all the good things he does for you. I am sure he has failings, but you need to put those aside if you’re going to regain emotional affection for your husband.
4. Make a point to have as much physical contact with him. Touch him or have him touch under the table. Hold hands no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Don’t sleep without him in bed, if possible. Physical touch adds emotional and mental association.
5. I would strongly consider getting your hormone levels checked. If you’re simply suffering from low estrogen levels, that might be a reason that you don’t have strong feelings that you used to have.
6. More sex. There is anecdotal evidence that unprotected sex has emotional benefits to a woman, so if you can find a way to safely get it on without latex, that may have a positive affect.
You should look into school run therapy, they often have services to assist, some cost money some don’t. I know mine offers education-based therapy for free, but you can go in for most anything. And honestly, I’m not sure but you might be able to find some subsidized therapy for people in school.
I’m sorry to tell you but divorce is more expensive than therapy or a doctor’s appointment, and I don’t think either of you would like a divorce. If money is so tight, look up online some things to talk to one another about. Maybe you need another spark and a date night might help you, I’m sorry I don’t know more.
Please talk to someone, anyone will help, even if it’s just realizing you’re not happy in your marriage and that divorce is your solution. I hope things work out, it sounds like you do love your husband, even if you don’t feel the same way about him as you used to.
Expect it at 10 years too probably will feel even worse. Marriage isn’t for the weak, but if you survive the trying times the connection seems to evolve, at 5 years I definitely felt like that and around 10 years it was back again, my wife too but we decided that if staying committed to each other was easy what would be the point it would just be a weak reason to keep someone around, staying committed is hard to make us stronger together as a family. And to this day it’s times like that, that at 13 years makes me never worry I know who my person is and while anything’s possible, that’s our commitment and we plan on keeping it until we can’t. With all that said the advice I believe you need is the grass is t always greener…
You’ve been married for 5 years now and reality is setting in. If your not suffering from depression then your realizing what being a married adult can be like. The good thing is you WANT to fix this. Avoid infidelity and work with a therapist and also try to add some excitement. Plan a romantic vacation.
How long ago did you have your child?
It’s rare but, some women can experience PPD even after 3 years.
You may also have grown apart. It happens.
I wish you the best with this!
Start doing activities and stuff together again.
Find common interest to talk about.
Your college doesn’t offer free or discounted counseling for students? Switch schools.
Maybe your husband will be able to find a better partner in what turns out to be his second marriage.
Sometimes this happens when a partner grows and the other doesn’t. Or sometimes you just get a little too familiar with someone.
What kind of hobbies does your husband have? What does he do for fun outside of the house? When is the last time he accomplishes something big? When is the last time he surprised you?
Seeing your husband in a new light can be HUGE for reigniting desire. This doesn’t even necessarily have to be a change. We all have depths to ourselves that we sometimes don’t share with our most intimate partner. Even deep talks and sharing private feelings and ideas could reveal a new side of your husband that would be a thrill to discover.
I hope the two of you stay committed until you find that spark again. Because if you’re looking, you will find it.
Why do you feel this way? It can’t have just happened out of nowhere.
OP, how old is your youngest kid? This could be long term, atypical postpartum depression. It can last for years and pop up in the first 5 years though it’s diagnosed differently after the first year.
EDIT: I had long-term PPD with my oldest child. Lasted from crowning til his second birthday. It was hell and I was VERY similar in terms of the apathy toward my husband.
Go to a doctor and get a health check up. Could be droession or hormonal imbalance affecting you if everything is otherwise fine in your relationship
Do what you did in the beginning. Constantly touching, hold hands, cuddle at night especially. Just look into his eyes and think about when you were first falling in love with him.
Funny thing but when was the last time you just kissed? Not with sex as a goal, but just kissed because it’s nice.
Been married over 30 years, together over 34. Keeping the physical connection and touching has been more important than I realized in the early years. It’s hard when your kids are young to be romantic with each other, but if you aren’t then you can lose what you have with them.
Others have made good suggestions about making sure this isn’t physical or even depression and I think that’s also smart to pursue.
Have you heard of the 7 year itch?
” The seven-year itch, as it’s called, is a term that describes feeling restless or dissatisfied in a relationship — typically at that seven-year mark.” https://health.clevelandclinic.org/seven-year-itch/
It exactly 7 years, it fluctuates from relationship to relationship but it definitely happened to me. For me, just being able to identify the possible problem was a huge help
Good luck to you
Hard to keep a relationship together when you start so young. Are you spending quality time together, having new experiences, and working on communication? Maybe you’re just bored and complacent with each other?
Op do you respect your husband?
Im going to reiterate what many people have said, but this sounds like maybe something a mental health/medical professional should counsel you through since there might be some underlying issues.
Are you sure you’re not depressed? I was pretty absent with my husband when I was depressed, even though I didn’t feel sad. I just felt apathetic. Medication did wonders.
It’s great to have a good Dad to your kids and someone who appreciates and loves you dearly, what I would call a Treasure they are very few and far between. Sounds like you have a lot of outside pressure in your head and need to look wide out of the box. When we have been with someone for a long time then we can take them for granted and not think of their feelings but our own selfish thoughts. To find someone like him again would never work, your children would despise you for moving away from him and making their lives difficult, a long time relationship is not like when you both met at first (electric, full of excitement, Lovey Dovey) no it’s about another kind of Love one that means more than anything, someone to rely on in a crisis, a severe illness, a Family loss, someone you know will support you through Hell and High Water. Very rarely do you see couples that have been together for ages leaping around each other like young Giselles, life becomes more focused on working together for your Family and not about You or Your feelings, more about what can I do to help my kids enjoy their childhood, how can I help my Parents in their old age, love becomes more about those around you and how to give them love and help, You start to become more focused on others when you mature, rather than I need this, I want that, or it’s time I switched my love live for more excitement, that never works, you will never find happiness moving to someone else and leaving hurt and upset behind one. Just be grateful for what you have, get a hobby, plant a garden, paint some pictures, connect with the love he has for you and connect with your kids, they may be the ones to care for you when you are old and grey.
This is a classic case of a woman feeling bored….. the next step is counselling or finding a “bad boy” to have fun with …..