I (24F) have been lying to my boyfriend (23M) about big and small situations for a long time now and really want to make a change. I try to avoid conflict and avoid telling the truth to downplay situations and he ends up finding out or I come clean eventually and it’s really damaged our relationship.
We both have flaws but I’ve been the one causing most of the damage recently. I do think it stems from my past relationships but I’m not trying to use that as an excuse. I find myself quickly reacting and saying something untrue and then later realizing I could’ve been honest or taken a minute to think about my answer before quickly saying a lie. It’s really hard to think about, I really dislike it about myself. I just need advice on what actions and work I can do to end this cycle and show him I’m really wanting to change and build his trust back because I really am committed. I know therapy is a good option but what specifics? What actions specifically would you recommend? Anything helps! Thanks
TL;DR What advice/actions can you give on ways to stop lying and fixing your trust with your SO?
2 comments
For one, do you ever find yourself lying like this in situations outside of your relationship?
A therapist would be a good resource for more guided advice, so for what the advice of a stranger on the internet is worth, an important aspect of correcting behaviors and habits is recognizing the situations when these habits come up. You said:
>I try to avoid conflict and avoid telling the truth to downplay situations
If that’s the case, then it’s great that you recognize the pattern to the situations when you find yourself lying. The next step is knowing how that FEELS when you find yourself in that situation, then when you FEEL that feeling in that moment, you STOP. Take a breath. Then reflect on what you think the best action to take is.
Conflict avoidance isn’t that uncommon of a trait – you’re certainly not alone. But what makes a good partner is recognizing those feelings and correcting your *response* to those feelings to one that’s healthier and more sustainable. It’s not simple or easy, though – that’s why many people go through therapists.
Best of luck, OP.
The first thing to do is let him know you want to work on it and what your plan to do so is. I recommend a plan that includes every time you notice you have lied, you tell him and correct the lie as soon as you notice. And you work with a therapist to fix the underlying unhealthy coping mechanism that pushes you to lie.