What do you do when your spouse says they don’t wanna have kids and you do?

27 comments

1. This should be discussed *before* getting married. There’s no compromising in this situation.

2. I think I would find a new spouse. Wth kinda partner is that if they don’t even envision the same kind of life together.

3. I wouldn’t marry someone whose views on having kids were different from my own. My spouse and I discussed this beforehand; it’s one of those things you absolutely need to talk about before you even consider getting married.

   If my feelings or my spouse’s feelings on kids were to change during our marriage, we would need to have a lot of conversations about it and possibly go to couples’ therapy to clarify our thoughts and decide what to do.

4. Not good advice now if you’re currently in this situation, but this was a discussion my husband and I had before marriage. I have always desired a family and kids and wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t have similar aspirations.

5. It should be discussed before even considering marriage but if it was what made them change their mind or what made you change your mind?

6. Up to the couple, but I’d end the relationship in a similar situation. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where my partner and I didn’t agree on whether or not we wanted to have children. I’m not interested in having kids, so I wouldn’t be compatible with a partner who does.

7. This needs to be talked about before getting married. Deciding whether or not to have kids is huge.

8. Assuming you had the conversation *before* marriage and agreed on having children, but now they’ve changed their mind? Divorce as soon as possible. You have a limited window for having children and if it’s important to you, you need to leave and seek someone who shares the same goals.

9. Find a new spouse. Either you’ll have a child and an unwilling/unhelpful partner, or no child at all.

10. Leave. There’s no winning. You can’t compromise on whether or not you have kids, and no one should expect the other person to change their mind.

11. You break up. There is no compromising on kids.

12. If both me and him were set on what we wanted and those things were different, then I guess you divorce. To be or not be a parent is a huge thing to sacrifice either way and there’s no compromising this. Can’t have half a kid.

13. You get a divorce if you want kids more than you want your spouse. That’s an irreconcilable difference.

14. You get an amicable divorce and next time you ask that question before you get into a relationship.

15. I would ask what changed their mind, because agreement on having kids or not should happen before the marriage.

16. I wouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t have the same idea about kids. If my spouse changed their mind after we got married, I would be filing for divorce. That is a major incompatibilty and instant dealbreaker for me.

17. I’d be confused because my first spouse already had a kid when we got married. And with my second marriage, I’ve already got kids, so haha, good luck, buddy.

18. as many redditors have said to anyone asking for relationship advice, *get a divorce*

19. Divorce because that wasn’t the understanding prior to marriage, and I wouldn’t marry someone unless we were 100% on the same page re: kids.

20. I’m not marry or anything but my parents had a differences about having kids. And my dad wanted kids but my mom didn’t and now I’m here and it kinda odd but idk just wanted to add that in.

21. Incompatible. This is something that must be agreed upon. Can’t force a kid on someone who doesn’t want them. As others said. Leave

22. A lot of times someone will claim they’re on board with having kids to lock the partner into marriage then they’ll pull a 180 and refuse to have any. In this instance I say it’s grounds for an annulment because the marriage was based on fraud. Or file an at-fault divorce and seek compensation.

23. Break up or accept not having kids. This is why people should discuss this topic prior to marriage – there isn’t a realistic compromise. Either one person resigns themselves to not having children or the couple splits.

24. A friend of mine faced this, the solution was divorce. Wanting kids is a fundamental thing you have to be aligned on.

25. You have to figure out if children are essential to your future or if your partner would be willing to try see things from having a child perspective.

    My partner and I had the conversation properly after maybe a year of dating (approaching the 3 year mark now) at the time I had always thought of my future as having a child but he did not. I know this is mostly from his upbringing, not a great mother figure, multiple siblings and a hard financial time growing up.

    From this conversation, I started looking at my options, as before meeting him I had never considered there was another type of future I could lead. You have to look at your motivations for wanting kids too and the most important question is are you or they willing to change your views.

    I went through a soul searching period trying to figure out if I could see my future without children and I won’t lie it was a horrible time trying to process everything I thought I wanted but what I’ve managed to narrow it down to is, I want what was my existing real relationship with my partner which in my own eyes is everything I could want and need from a partner over something that doesn’t exist.

    I think if (strong if) he changed his mind in the future I would consider having a child with him but I can also say that I would be okay if we didn’t have a child either.

    Read up on DINK (dual income no kids) reviews, I won’t lie, most of them are from people who always knew they didn’t want children so can be hard to relate at times but you might come across something that can help you see this other life you never knew you could have and maybe could want.

    If you know categorically you cannot live your life without having a child then this isn’t the relationship for you, if you know that you want and need is to be with your partner because your life together is amazing and they fulfil your life then there’s no harm in trying to see another potential future but I wont sugar coat it, it will be hard even just reading up on it and it will require you to open your mind to another potential way of living but if you know you love and need your partner more than a baby (that doesn’t exist) then maybe you can come to terms with a new future.

26. If both of you are sure you just gotta split up. It sucks, but there’s just no compromise to be found here.

27. I think try to understand if the reasons for not wanting them can be overcome – e.g financial worries; fear of losing freedom etc. I know a couple where the guy didn’t want them and they are now happily together with two kids