Looking for advice on how to cope from some men with more life experience than me. Just feel like everything is a bit overwhelming right now, tbh my mental health was suffering before all of this.
What I am doing to cope right now:
– Occasionally seeing a therapist
– Going to the gym and sauna often
– Walking dog daily
– Visit friends and family rarely
– Start couples therapy soon
– Giving wife space she says she needs
– Applying for loads of jobs
– Reaching out to my network for work
– Watching porn often to escape reality
12 comments
I’d stop watching porn. Don’t wait for therapy to work on your marriage, And don’t just apply to say your applying, you’ll end up just taking something you don’t like. Target something quality over quantity. Make sure your resume and application is top tier.
These bullets sound great until the last one. Stop that.
So I may have some idea on this one because I was laid off last year while in a bad marriage. 😁
1. The porn aint going to help anything – cut that down a lot and work on your marriage.
2. Find a purpose while looking – job searching is so so frustrating and often like non-stop nut kicks, so find something you can do to feel positive – examples:
a. finishing a long overdue item around the house (bonus – may help your marriage)
b. something for the community – I volunteered to coach gradeschool rec football and the feel of contributing something made my negativity/depression fade
3. Think about what you WANT to do. I eventually realized I didn’t want to continue in my old role and went back to college (47m, never too late) so think about what would make you HAPPY or reinvigorated.
4. Actually talk to your wife and tell her your sadness with the situation, your frustrations with the job search, ask her for help, ask what you can do at home to help make it nicer, etc. Re-gain that team mentality IF you want to save your marriage.
5. Visit friends and family more – sitting around the house builds up the frustrations/depression – force yourself to go reconnect with some people
Lol I like how all the bullet points are mostly very positive until the very last one. Watching porn a lot isn’t going to help much.
Dreams of dramatic escape are easier than committing to the small and incremental work that is required of you. Keep at it.
If you can, find things you enjoy in your life right now, in this moment, totally aside from your list of (noble, necessary) self-improvement projects. Love on your wife. Go for a hike. Pick up a hobby (preferably not a self-harming one.) This is a crisis, but being in hypervigilant crisis mode isn’t going to resolve your problem any faster. Just dwell with the discomfort and realize that even this is your life.
Everyone’s already said quit the porn. Do you have it on you devices, or actual dvds? If so, delete and throw away. Now. And of course stop the online. If you feel you can’t, challenge yourself and commit to stopping for a day. Then a week. Then longer, until it’s not so much an escape. I deleted everything last year. I’ve gone online since, but it’s very rarely.
Remove porn. The work part is very important, but your spouse comes first.
Prepare for couples therapy. You need to dive deep into your life with her. Timeline your whole relationship. Write down what you believe to be key moments. Document your feelings along the way. Document changes that have happened. Then do the same exercise, but put yourself in her perspective.
She needs space, so as you come to your emotional realizations from this deep dive, don’t love bomb her and don’t share your findings, etc. But let it inform your actions and participation in couples therapy.
Once you finish the preparation for couples therapy, take on a greater share of some of the domestic tasks. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. If you’re a homeowner, go with projects at home. Shows the wife you’re taking initiative while increasing potential home value if you divorce and have to sell.
Are you Microsoft guy where your Amazon fiancé complained about you in Blind ?
>Visit friends and family rarely
Just checking, is this a typo? If not – make it more of a priority to spend time with people who will support you that aren’t your wife. At least it’s a distraction, at most you can chat about what you’re going through and you’ll have support from multiple places.
I’ve been laid off 3 times for 6 months + at a time, once while going through a divorce. What worked for me was treat looking for jobs online is to stick to a work schedule and just keep applying. My goal was at least 10 resumes catered to the job a day, as long as I fit 65% of what they are looking for. I also made sure to have a list of chores daily. Having lists becomes a game, and you get a sense of accomplishment.
I sent my resume out to at least 10 people to proofread. One friend found a grammatical error that was 7 years old. I wasn’t looking for resume advice, just if it read OK. My resume was crafted with help from a professional. Dates line up, format, size, and style are the same on both pages. I have a master resume that is 6 pages long, and I whittle it down to 2. I also had a cover letter proofread, and I modified it for each job.
It’s OK to take several days off after 2 to 3 weeks of zero forward momentum. Much like dating, rejection, or inactivity sucks. Take a hike, walk downtown, but get out of anywhere familiar and reset your paradigm. And, you can get a part-time job to get by, just so you can feel like you are doing something.
Get your hands on the book Divorce Busting, it is amazing
I’m kind of missing that YOU are taking the space YOU need. You do seem to be working on yourself, but watch out with being too accommodating to other people. Put yourself on number one, work on your confidence (extra hard when life isn’t working out as you would want to).