I am needing some advice on how to approach my mom to have a healthy conversation about how her negative comments affect me.
Her first comment that bothered me (she brings this up a LOT): “you would always run to your room when you were little any time me and your dad or brothers would yell at each other”
The way she said this made me feel ashamed for how I acted as a child to situations where I did not feel safe. I don’t understand why she brings this up often and says it in such a condescending way.
The second comment that really bothered me was at a family outing at a bar. My brother kept flicking my arm for some reason so I told him calmly to please stop. He wouldn’t so I told him to stop more firmly. My mom then interjected saying I’m being dramatic and making a big deal. This really pissed me off because I calmly told him to stop twice.
Her recent comments have been dismissive of my feelings, unnecessary, and quite frankly just rude. There have been other moments where I was told by her and my dad to “not get defensive” and “quit being so sensitive”.
I’m just over it at this point. I feel unheard and like my feelings and reactions just don’t matter. There’s a reason why I don’t frigging know how to express my feelings well because even when I do they just get dismissed. How do I approach this conversation with her in a mature and understandable way?
tl;dr – mom keeps dismissing my feelings and making condescending comments about my childhood. how do I express my frustration and anger to her?
4 comments
So I want you to really understand how important it is that you recognised times in your childhood as not feeling safe. That’s incredibly articulate, not many adults can find the words to explain why they act the way they do in later life.
The way she’s speaking to you about those events – first of all, it’s actually interesting she even remembers it. Beyond that, she’s projecting onto you the shame that she herself should be feeling – but she’s unaware of how to figure that out so she takes it out on you.
You’re doing everything you can to protect yourself and defend yourself during conflict with your family – because nobody else ever did it for you. Your parents were supposed to keep you safe, and show you love and care and instead they showed you conflict and how to make yourself safe and care for yourself.
Every single feeling or through you’re having right now? Are ALL valid and absolutely heard – by you and now by us.
I would recommend finding a safe and secure way of journaling your thoughts and grabbing some reading material that you can identify with – even if it’s digital content at this point.
Your mother won’t be prepared to hear anything you have to say, what she’s doing at the moment is in her own way begging you to shove these feelings and thoughts down and portray a child who is “obedient and excellent” – unfortunately her parents did it to her and now she’s doing it to you.
I want to be very, very clear with you – you did nothing wrong, none of this is your fault. Your first society (your family) – failed to make you feel safe as a child.
There’s also heaps of toll free numbers I’m sure you can call in your state to find a great therapist. You’re never, ever alone – I promise.
Take care of you, don’t engage with their noise – you’re far stronger than you realise. You got this.
You aren’t going to change your mother
I had difficulty reading what you were trying to tell about your mom. I think all I could make out here is 4 letters that spell a word starting with the letter C and rhyming with the word “runt”, but due to not knowing how close you are with her, I’ll refrain from this guess of mine.
Just treat her like a disturbed child, honestly. She has no reason or right to be doing this to you. You’ve done nothing wrong in either situation and it seems like she appreciates a dose of pointless control here. (Dose of Pointless Control should be a band name.)
Your mom and brother seem to be stuck in the past. Telling the target of your brother’s childish actions to just suck it up, be quiet, not make a scene tells a lot about her ideal family dynamics: she doesn’t want to parent your brother, she doesn’t want to protect you and potentially create a conflict by calling him out, she wants you to be quiet and suck it up.
Your behaviour is healthy. Hers is not. I don’t think you CAN get through to her – I’m not sure a neutral party could, but you, a person who is refusing to accept her role in the family dynamics (literal punchbag, apparently) will not be a person she’ll listen to right now.