My BF yells a lot I am unsure how to proceed

32 comments

1. A few questions:

   -Has the yelling gotten worse/more frequent over the years?

   – Is he at all controlling of when you go out or who you talk to?

   -Does he ever throw or break anything in his anger?

2. He should go to anger management to learn how to deal with his emotions. He’s obviously immature, as evidenced by dating a 20 year old at 28.

   Even if it’s not directed at you, that makes for a stressful and peace-less life. Not worth it.

3. Can he keep a job? Meaning, does he scream at work when something goes wrong? If he doesn’t scream at work it means he can control it. It is VERY reasonable to expect someone who loves you to stop doing something in their control if it hurts you.

4. He needs anger management classes. If he’s not willing to take them you should consider moving out because it isn’t safe for you emotionally and since he has demonstrated he will throw things it will eventually not be safe for you physically.

5. Next time, don’t date someone this much older than you—people his age only date people your age if something’s wrong with them. And don’t move in until you’ve been dating at least a year.

6. Yelling is a hard boundary for me personally so after telling a person once never to yell at me again, I would dump them. Yelling is verbal abuse and it’s unacceptable.

   However, something that *may* work – since you have answered questions as if he’s not abusive in other ways and I’m taking that at face value – is to try this. Sit down with him at a neutral time to talk about how yelling makes you feel and that you will not be talked to like that any longer. Then when he does yell, interrupt and calmly tell him not to yell at you. If he does not immediately stop, remind him that you won’t be spoken to like that and walk away. Every. Time. He does not get your attention if he’s yelling. He does not get what he wants if he’s yelling.

   If he doesn’t stop yelling after two to three times of doing this, then you need to leave him.

7. He woke you up because he was yelling. Yes, put your foot down.

   The two of you should find other things he can do to express his frustration. You said you expressed that you didn’t like it before- how serious were you? Was that a conversation, or a comment made in passing? It needs to be a conversation, and if he doesn’t want to have that, it’s a red flag.

8. wow.. i actually relate to this. my boyfriend yells at situations like traffic or when he’s stressed about other things that are normally not related to me. he also doesn’t yell AT me but just yells at situations he’s mad at and it also makes me feel very anxious. please let me know if you found something that helps your situation too

9. Ya, understandably, it’s making you uncomfortable. Hell, it even woke you up that is causing trouble for you. As a guy, I do yell in frustration a lot expectually when frustrated at a game. Otherwise, I bottle it up. There is a middle ground between letting out needed frustration and being sensitive, though. Idk what category he is in simply saying him toning it down is reasonable.

   Right now, you are bottling up your emotions. There needs to be a middle ground or rework on how he uses coping tools like yelling.

   I do want to ensure he most likely does not intend to bother you either this. It’s one of those things we don’t think about in the moment. The pain you feel is still there, though, so it needs to be worked on.

   Edit: I saw a comment that he has thrown things in frustration. Bro, better calm the F down that shit don’t fly. That is a line you don’t cross the same for a fist to drywall.

10. I’ll say this. It usually escalated once they feel comfortable around you. I married this man who has become very comfortable yelling at me. It escalated from yelling in general. Cops have been called numerous times. I think I have developed ptsd because I awaken at night crying. It has gotten bad. I’m planning to leave but it is tough.
    I say all of that so that you can see what it could become. Speaking to a man that yells is hard and they never seem to understand the effects it has on people. Just protect yourself and be aware. Hopefully it changes for the better but I feel that several years from now you’ll look back at this post and have an “ah ha” moment. Good luck to you.

11. Just tell him how you feel. “I get really scared when you start yelling. I know you aren’t yelling at me, but I wake up really scared when you do this and I wish you would stop.”

    How he responds to this information should tell you plenty about him.

12. I’ve experienced this.

    He believes no one is being hurt because he’s expressing his emotions in general, he feels anger is appropriate when in fact it can be threatening to others.

    You need to sit him down and explain:
    – you’ve observed that he got angry at this or that example (give at least three solid examples)
    – you acknowledge his previous explanation that he does it instinctively, it’s not directed at anyone else etc (whatever reason he gave you, repeat it to him)
    – despite his reasoning for behaving this way, you feel (frightened, shocked to be woken up, constantly tense and uncomfortable at the nexr time he’s going to explode, you’re walking in eggshells because his outbursts are unpredictable). Make it clear that his behaviour is affecting you physically and you’re disappointed that you don’t feel safe in his presence.
    – ask him how he feels about what you said. Make it clear you don’t want to know what he thinks, you want to know if he feels sad/disappointed in himself that his behaviour causes you to feel this way.
    – ask him what he thinks he can do to modify his behaviour. Wait in silence until he responds and then suggest whether he can stay silent, can he count down, can he take a deep breath. Ask him to pick specific steps.
    – let him know that you don’t feel you can continue in this relationship if things don’t change because you don’t envision your life with a partner who feels it’s ok to make you feel unsafe. Make sure you mean it – are you going to stick around if he doesn’t change?
    – let him know that going forward, when he explodes and doesn’t follow the steps he’s identified, you’re going to revisit this conversation. You’ll also apply a consequence (pick something you’re comfortable applying every time he stuffs up, and he will until he gets this under control). It could be that you won’t speak to him for a few days, you won’t make him dinner, whatever it is you know he enjoys about having you around, withhold it.
    – thank him for listening

    You ultimately need to help retrain his neural pathway. Your bf fails to realise anger is a symptom. Meaning, when someone feels frustrated, upset, sad or scared they express it as anger.

    You’ve got to constantly ask him after he has cooled down, ‘what happened?’, ‘did you feel sad that it didn’t go to plan?’, ‘its ok to feel frustrated that things happened’ etc. Teach him to pin point the emotion and corroborate that it’s ok to feel those things without being angry about it. Also watch for any negative self talk. If he tells you he is angry because he feels stupid for making a minor mistake etc that’s a sign he needs to work on his negative self talk and shouldn’t punish himself.

13. Yelling even if it’s into the void about small issues is not a good coping mechanism. And also, I understand that being annoyed or grossed out about an accident is fair, but it’s not like your dog is stoked about deficating or peeing in its kenel either? Like where is the compassion? I bet that made your little buddy feel scared too if it was loud enough to litterally wake you up from another room.

14. You know there’s a difference between someone feeling their feelings and someone lashing out and dumping their feelings on others? Like, he can express how frustrated he is with anything, & that’s his right, but in a mature manner that doesn’t make you or the dog have to bear the brunt of it.

    This crap is toxic to live with. Start speaking up now.

15. Okay

    Here’s how I see it. Boyfriend is loud verbally with his frustration, that loudness is triggering for you. It makes you feel unsafe, and you bottle up expressing how you feel about it because it feels unsafe.

    First and foremost, you need to tell him how it makes you feel. You say you don’t want him to feel like he can’t feel his feelings, and I say have the same compassion for yourself and allow yourself to express them. You don’t have to lash out to express what it is doing to you. Explore why it is triggering for you. If you bottle it up, it’ll lead to resentment later.

    There will probably be resistance on both sides of the convo, but making it through could strengthen your connection and promote individual growth as well.

16. This is a disaster waiting to happen

17. My fiancé developed this habit during the pandemic. We’ve been together almost a decade now. You have to sit him down and tell him he needs to express himself in a different manner when going through negative emotions. I told my fiancé that if we had a child and he acted this way he would make the child anxious and he needs to correct this behavior. He has been working on it, and understands the problem. But it’s important to have be able to have that level of communication, especially when living together. I’d be interested to see how your bf acts when you speak to him about this.

18. Why are so many of these situationships/relationships, were the girl is always 19, 20, 21, 22 – always ending up like this ?

    They always move-in with the 30+ year old boyfriend way too fast and he’s always ends up aggressive or has a kink or does something abusive.

    Same story different girl.

    The issue is;

    • you are dating a man who is much older than you

    •this is your first adult relationship & he knows this

    • you moved in with him way too fast

    • you probably rely on him because of this

    • he’s aware of your age, naivety and inexperience – that is why he chose you and not someone his age.

    Which has led to – you being unable to communicate due to these factors and he WILL keep pushing boundaries – don’t wait till it gets emotionally/physically abusive to speak up.

19. I’d be concerned about the power difference here age wise, also life is short, way too short to put up with this abnormal behaviour, most people don’t behave this way, spend your time with those people.

20. You said all it stopped from you lashing out which is bad, I tell at situational fuck ups too and I’m happily married 20 years. I dunno how this helps but he’s not yelling at you or even the dog for stinkin up the place .

21. So if you have kids with this guy, they’ll be walking around on eggshells afraid of making dad yell.

22. You ask him why tf are you yelling? Are you a child throwing a tantrum?

    Then you tell him to grow tf up or you’re going to leave him.

23. I guarantee that he will yell at you if you stay.

    You can definitely say that you don’t eat too be around yelling and leave the room if he does it or move out of her didn’t stop, but it’s a hard thing for someone to change, and personally I am not willing to have yelling in my house regularly.

    My life and relationships have improved a lot since I added “easily frustrated or yells when frustrated” on my deal breaker list.

24. Only a matter of time before he starts yelling at you directly

25. This subreddit is just a bunch of immature old “men” dating younger women and people wondering what the issue in their relationship, jesus christ man

26. My husband used to be very much that way.
    It took some real conversations about how it makes me feel, regardless if directed at me. Also, our pup taught him a lot too actually. When he’d come home from work stressed and at that level, she’d piss when he came home. I had to explain, even though you aren’t yelling AT her, she FEELS it. He gives off that energy. So for more love from both of us, he has learned to tame it down. We’ve been happily married 10 years now. Communicate. Communicate. If that doesn’t work, then think about your future plans. But at least give him the chance to understand what his non pointed anger and explosions does to the home and you.

27. He gets therapy to learn how to self regulate or you end the relationship. Don’t walk on egg shells just because he isn’t yelling at you. Having a tantrum like a toddler all the time still effects you. He can learn to walk it off. Breathe or whatever it takes to not react like a psychopath or it’s over. I would not negotiate this.

28. Aaaand once again an older guy abusing a younger woman…how do these guys do it?

    OP you know you have to leave him, he’s not going to change because why would he? So far he’s gotten everything he wanted by just shouting.

    This excuse that he’s not shouting at you is utter bullshit. This is a grown man resorting to TANTRUMS when he is frustrated. This is not a mature person.

29. He can learn to ‘feel his feelings’ without making everyone around him uncomfortable. That what adults do.

30. Seems like there’s a reason women his own age won’t date him

31. Yelling in frustration isn’t “expressing his feelings”, it’s an indulgence he’s allowing himself to make. Yelling doesn’t make anything better, if anything it reinforces his anger and make him more prone to anger in the future.

32. He has a low stress tolerance. Is he also an aggressive communicator? How do you handle arguments? My fear in this is you becoming desensitized to being in a fight or flight mode around him that is activated by the yelling. I have the same problem with my dad and its not good for your nervous system to always be on edge speaking from experience. Have a talk with your boyfriend about how even though its not to you, it puts you on edge