Yesterday I was out of town with my girlfriend and some questions about her past came up. I’ve came to this thread before, and a lot of the advice is pretty solid, so I’m coming back again. I really have tried to make whatever flags seen into green ones but after this one I just don’t know if I can, and I don’t know what to do, She told me when we first started dating she’s been with a high single digit number of people, after reading through some text messages from random guy that Wouldn’t leave her alone recently I got really suspicious because she said oh he’s just a creepy friend that won’t leave me alone and I figured there was more to it, which there was, I brought it up to her this morning and said hey, I want you to be completely honest with me. Did you guys ever hook up and she said no and this was after I told her about looking through her text messages with this guy and those texts explicitly talks about them hooking up. I then brought up to her to tell her that I know, and she said OK fine we did, and then I asked her why she lied to my face. The point of the matter is I don’t care about how many people she’s been with. I just care about why she lied about it and if she is still continuously doing so why and what’s the reason? She said it was one drunk night and it was really embarrassing cause she doesn’t remember and that’s why she didn’t wanna tell me, but being in a loving relationship, I wanna know everything about her and support and love her warts and all if that makes sense. Not to mention since we are dating and actively having sex I want to know about her history that’s just how I am, and I think that’s a very fair thing to ask about when you’re in a long-term relationship with someone.
For background one of my first ever girlfriends, who was abusive lied about her sexual history at 18 years old told me it was a very low number when in reality it was low 30s for somebody who had just legally became an adult, I was lied to betrayed and could’ve caught something which is why I’m so cautious about the subject. there have also been times where my current girlfriend has bent and has told me half truths regarding past hook ups and ex boyfriends because she doesn’t want me to overthink or worry about them still texting her reaching out to her or trying to get back with her.
Also, let me clear the record. I found absolutely no evidence or proof that she has hooked up or gotten with anybody during the time that we’ve been together. Which is good I don’t believe that she has but I feel like lying about the past can be easy enough that it turns into lying about the future. We talked this out and she actually forgave me and said I understand why you did it. I don’t agree and I don’t like that you did but You should’ve just asked to see the text messages between us and I would’ve came clean.
Before I get called, abusive, clingy and insecure, I have to say this I have never acted this way in a relationship before and I told her and was very clear to her. It’s very hard for me to be secure, and my security in this relationship is (in the current moment) fractured because you have lied to me before about still having contact with certain people and having memories along with these weird “manifestations” about an old college ex not once but twice. Do I think her being in contact with exs and old hook ups is wrong no because I genuinely don’t think there has been any wrongdoing on her part while we’ve been together but there is a big part of me that Has to think. Why does she keep these guys around? yeah, I admit to snooping and I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I felt as if something was off and I was being lied to, and I was correct. I don’t care that I did it. I understand, trying to spare my feelings, my racing and worrying thoughts cause I am a detrimental over thinker but I’d much rather have to deal with that rather then being lied to by somebody who says they’ll constantly be honest, and that they love me every day.
Do I forgive her and get over it or do I leave for her line not once or twice but a couple times about her past which is a dealbreaker for me given MY past
TL;DR: my girlfriend lied to me about a dude in her past and I looked at her text messages with this dude to see if he was still hitting her up after she blocked him on snap turns out they had a hooked up and had a thing in the past this is not the first time that she has bent the truth about exes and past hook ups, and I don’t know what else she’s lying about and I don’t know what to do personally
1 comment
Snooping is fine. Privacy is not absolute in relationship, nor should it ever be. Each and every case of finding out about your partner’s infidelity through snooping proves it each and every day.
As for you. This particular lie is a minor issue. Actual problem is she will continue to lie and hide things from you.
>I don’t agree and I don’t like that you did but You should’ve just asked to see the text messages between us and I would’ve came clean.
This absolute insolence is enough to break up. You have asked her and she has lied to you. What a giant bs.
You should tell her based on past experiences you know she would never have come clean if you didn’t literally learn about it by yourself. Tell her every lie she tells make you not believe anything she says to you. She can either stop this and be open and honest with you or you should break up. Granted she should also at this point tell if she has lied to you about anything else until this point or if she is hiding sth you would want to know. Naturally if she agrees but you find out she is doing the same exact thing you should leave her. Obviously if she just refuses you should leave as well.