Throwaway because I’m pretty active on my main.
TLDR: The title lays the situation down pretty accurately. He refuses to accept my boyfriend’s decision in not wanting to room with him.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, and for the last year or so there’s been issues here & there with his family. His brother and I had a falling out when he made rude comments about Black women & denied it after the fact(we’re all Black & he has a white gf) & from that point forward, my relationship with him has been strained.
My boyfriend and I go to colleges in different states and we did a great job of planning long distance (saving up money, tracking flights, etc) and we see each other around twice a month for 3-4 days each time. I usually book a hotel room for at least one night while I stay & we typically stay in his dorm (where his twin brother also lives) the other days primarily out of convenience (boyfriend plays a sport so his schedule can get busy.)
The twin brother’s gf never visits him.
The last time I was there, his brother began masturbating while on the phone with his girlfriend even though he clearly knew we were awake (not that it would’ve been any better if we were asleep) I was clearly sitting up and my boyfriend was moving around so much in the bed that there’s no way he could’ve thought we were asleep. We even locked eyes & even when my boyfriend got up to see what was going on, he continued when my boyfriend got back in bed and didn’t stop until my boyfriend got up & physically went over to his bed.
My boyfriend ended up taking him outside and speaking to him and he apologized, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
About a month prior to that incident, we caught him talking shit about our relationship to his girlfriend when he handed my boyfriend his phone & the messages began popping up. But we forgave him for that too.
Since this incident, I’ve felt incredibly unsafe, uncomfortable, and disgusted sleeping in his room. Like I look at the guy & all I think about is his lack of self-control. He even said himself when apologizing to my boyfriend that he could’ve gone to the restroom. I’ve told my boyfriend how I feel and he completely understands, and because of it, no longer wants to room with his brother next year.
However, once he informed his brother that he didn’t plan on being his roommate next year, his brother wouldn’t accept it. He’s threatening to go to his parents and tell them about the situation (his side where he claims he thought we were asleep) and I really don’t want that to happen because his parents love to attack my character and my boyfriend and I’d relationship whenever he makes a decision they don’t agree with. And I’m sure they won’t agree with him not rooming with his brother.
However, since my boyfriend will be an RA, it’s not like they’re paying his room & board.
Also worth mentioning: Our relationship is pretty serious and has been from the beginning. His parents have never liked that and they once even complained about us making visits (even though we’ve never asked for their help or anything. we fund everything on our own). They once forced us to break up in high school because of a different situation involving his brother. Anytime my boyfriend makes a decision they don’t like, they go off on him and berate him/us. I just don’t want that anymore.
It’s never my goal to split them apart, and I’ve made that very clear. I’ve told my boyfriend I don’t care about you having a close relationship with him, I just can’t stand to sleep in the room with him any longer than this semester.
The brother is saying things like he’ll directly apologize to me, he doesn’t want to room with a random so my boyfriend HAS to room with him, my boyfriend is picking 8 days every month with me versus living 8 months with him, he’s threatened to do whatever it takes to keep my boyfriend as his roommate and just won’t accept it.
Some quotes from the brother include:
“You can’t make decisions that affect both of us and just assume it won’t affect the other person. Every time something happens, we always say that we don’t want it to affect our relationship, but at some point it does. It’s not always gonna be “oh me and *my name* want this, hope it doesn’t affect our relationship”. She’s here for 8 days out of the month and I’m here for 8 months. You’re choosing to live with her for those 8 days over me for 8 months. It’s that simple.”
“So once again everything is on me. Everytime something happens between the 3 of us it’s always on me, it’s always what you guys want.”
I just don’t know what to do. Any advice is appreciated. My boyfriend and I have a really happy & healthy relationship and these situations strain it.
Thank you.
9 comments
YOU don’t do shit. This is your boyfriend’s issue to manage.
You’ve made your feelings known, now stay out of it.
1. Ew
2. None of this is your fault AT ALL
3. This is 100% the fault of his appallng family
1. His brother is bluffing: there is no way he’s going to admit to his parents he did something this gross.
3. Stay out of it
Leave all of this alone now.
Your BF will handle it.
What his parents do or think can not be controlled by you. You can’t control it so, do t worry about it.
The parents couldn’t break you up before, they really can’t do anything now.
Wait a second. Are you still sleeping in the same room as his brother? If someone did that to me, I would never be alone or asleep around them again. Your bf can hang out with him without you there.
Ok, I mostly agree with everyone here so far but have one to add.
1) super gross
2) not your fault in any way!!!
3) brothers fault and family if they back him, and for being jerks in general!
4) I don’t know if he is bluffing or not some families excuse worse things with “boys will be boys” so who knows what sick behavior they are willing to stand behind
5) you made how you feel known, now encourage your boyfriend that: he deserves a better roommate and more support from his family, and you deserve to be treated well and both of you deserve to have your partners back on this (and it sounds like you do). I think in these situations, it’s best to not only say what you want and let them deal with their own family, but also to build them up and help them understand they deserve to be treated much better. Both of you do.
Edit: typo changed for to from
My bro is into snow bunnies! If it ain’t snowing he ain’t going
You can’t control his parents, but you can control how you react: his parents can behave like fools or favourite the badly behaved brother again, and you guys can choose to ignore, no longer stay in contact or anything else. But let your boyfriend handle his family, you can’t save that hurt for him
If your boyfriend is going to be an RA soon, with his own room, chances are he won’t be able to have a roommate. He should check with the university housing office as well as whoever is in charge of the RAs or his future building manager. If it’s the case that he can’t have a roommate (guests like you are different) then that would solve the issue quickly.