Hi I’ve (21F) started dating a guy (21M) about a month ago. We both transferred to a new uni and both living in dorms. He’s very sweet and I really enjoy spending time with him but he really doesn’t share his food and it makes me feel a bit weird in a way.
I get we’re in college so saving money is pretty important but I always share my food with him i think part of it is cuz of i was raised.
Anyways I started noticing this few weeks ago. When I sleep over his dorm he will never ask if I’m hungry or what. Sometimes he does say we’ll make something to eat but it’s like he puts the minimum amount he could ever and basically eats it all really fast and it made me feel like it’s because he doesn’t want me to eat his food. For example, he made some fries and basically ate like 3/4 of it. I’m not gonna be like him and eat it super fast and basically all because i am respectful. Many times when I’m over his dorm im pretty much very hungry. He never gives me dinner (when he did like once it was rice and corn) and never breakfast. I can tell he is pretty hungry too. When i leave in the morning that’s when he starts preparing food. When he does share food is super little. Like when he was eating his grape. He would eat like 10 grades and give one to me.
When i’m eating a piece of pizza or something i always ask “you want a bite?” To be polite And he never denies and takes like the largest bite lol Or when I was making spaghetti i asked if he wanted to come to my dorm and join in. When he eats my food he eats a lot if like he isn’t considerate that im probably hungry aswell and that it is my food too.
When i come over to his dorm i always bring snacks like fruits or a drink. And most of my food is Korean or Brazilian which is a bit hard to find/expensive in most stores. It got to the point that he is used to me bringing stuff like he’ll always text me bring this or bring that for us
He did tell me he is very cheap. But i know he isn’t necessarily struggling financially . I just don’t know if i’m being sensitive. Sharing food is just so big in my culture so it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Idk how to bring it up because i don’t want to embarrass him.
TD;LR
Bf(21M) never shares food with me(21F) when I always do. I think he is being cheap and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Of course I don’t want to push push his financial limits but I wish he could be less obvious about this. Honestly I don’t even know how to approach this issue. I don’t want to embarrass him
13 comments
Reeeed flag.
As a Ukraine heritage Canadian, sharing food is how I say I care. I can’t imagine being with someone that would look down on me for sharing food or wanting food for that matter. My great auntie would bring food to show her love, and you dare not say no. That was her love. You’d eat it and you’d puke it later but you loved your great auntie.
It sets this very alarming precedent where you are joining together almost as roomates instead of equals or partners in crime. Which I can’t begin to tell you how many alarm bells should be going off by then.
You have been with him a month. Does he have a strict budget and only has so much money for food? You will just need to say something. Look. I am hungry. If he is just selfish and stingy then that is another issue
It is possible to be extremely poor, and still be considerate host. This guy might be a selfish ass, or he might just lack sense and empathy.
It’s been a month. I wouldn’t bother trying to teach him do things his parent should’ve. I’d just walk away.
Is this a bf or friends with benefits? Since you haven’t mentioned any dates.
If no dates then it sounds like a mis communication and it’s not actually a relationship?
He may be an asshole, or he may be raised very differently. Look, he told you he’s cheap, fine – but you need to tell him that sharing food is important, and that when you spend the night at his, he needs to feed you. Just like you feed him when he’s at yours. That’s non-negotiable.
And get separate plates. Grab half the fries and eat them at your pace, off *your* plate. Sharing a plate isn’t cute or sweet when one person is a speed-eater.
Some people aren’t raised in households where food is important to bonding (e.g. eating together, or sharing food as an act of caring). It sounds like to him eating is just filling up his tank, whereas you ascribe more meaning to it.
>Sharing food is just so big in my culture so it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me. Idk how to bring it up because i don’t want to embarrass him.
You have expectations: eating slowly, not eating too much to be polite, him feeding you, maybe offering you food first before he eats. Have you ever talked to him about this?
I confess that I find it a bit strange to complain that someone is eating a lot, when you invite them over. Food is pretty important in my culture too, and letting someone leave hungry is the mark of a bad host. If you invite him over and offer him food, you can’t exactly say “you’ve had enough”; if you don’t like how much he eats, then either don’t invite him over anymore OR (and I recommend this) serve him a portion instead of letting him serve himself. From that angle he sounds like a hypocrite (eating your food but not offering you much) — have you told him that?
Your post contains a lot of silent judgement of his habits — which, fair enough, they do sound a bit annoying/ignorant to me as well. But if you don’t talk to him about it and only tally up each aspect that annoys you about him, how can you expect things to change, or him to understand that you don’t like this?
“Hey listen. I’ve noticed that you don’t share your food with me, even if I sleep over at yours. Why is that?”
And then you sit quietly and *listen* to the answer. Is he struggling financially and can barely feed himself? Did he grow up in poverty and is just guarded around food? Could you bring your own food and he’ll stick to his?
Just talk to him. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. Find a solution that works for both of you.
>But i know he isn’t necessarily struggling financially
Being cheap isn’t about struggling, it’s about thinking that the world owes you something (ie eating a lot of your food) but that you owe it nothing (feeding you the smallest amount he can get away with). This will always track into other areas of their life and they will always think that someone who wants something equal (like if you stopped feeding him more than he gives you) is actually taking something away from him.
Basically, it’s been a month. He’s already treating you like it’s your job to feed him, and his job to protect his resources from you. It will not get better, it will only get worse.
Maybe he grew up with food insecurity. Maybe he isn’t as well off financially as you think but hides it well. Maybe his parents scolded him harshly when he tried taking food off another plate as a kid and he took that lesson very seriously. Maybe he’s extremely cheap trying to escape college with little to no debt. Maybe he’s just a terrible person and the dog pile here from some comments are actually warranted.
If you are too afraid to ask, your options are tolerate this forever or break up. The better option is if you can get over the discomfort and ask him directly. If he has good reason, better he be embarrassed now than let this change your relationship.
Like have you shared food with him?
He told you he was cheap
Maybe he was poor growing up so he is very cautious about his food? Or he really is just cheap and doesn’t want to share. It’s only been a month so I wouldn’t start an argument, but you could bring it up. “I noticed you don’t prefer to share food often, why is that? I’m not upset just want to understand it more” maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it? Maybe he hasn’t been in a relationship before and hasn’t had to share with a significant other? Could be more than him just being selfish and rude like others are saying. Young relationships are a learning curve to some!
Food sharing stuff is very deeply ingrained and difficult to change. He should want to share food with his partner. Some people have a scarcity mindset with food. Again, hard to change that kind of thing. Sometimes it helps to set sharing expectations at the start of a meal.
Don’t put up with bad behavior if it bothers you but it sounds like you’re dealing with someone who is just selfish. Especially when he requests food but never offers it. But how can you teach caring about other people?