So my bf (23M) and me (21F) have been together for just over a year now. We thought he had a porn addiction at the beginning of our relationship. We suspected this because he would use porn too much (before or after I’d come over) which he wasn’t conscious of. This lead to us not having sex very often. So he quit watching porn for the majority of our relationship. We both agree that porn in a relationship is not great to use, so neither of us watch porn. After quitting porn our sex life got much better, we had more sex and it felt more passionate and present. He also doesn’t masturbate anymore because these thoughts about porn made him feel guilty. However he couldn’t stop having intrusive thoughts about porn during the day and even during sex he would try to not think about porn and be present with me. He felt so guilty thinking about porn in general and especially if he had thoughts about it during sex with me. He just recently started going to therapy for this porn addiction we thought he had. Turns out that his therapist thinks it’s a fetish (he would specifically watch porn to satisfy his fetish being a certain appearance/ body type). This fetish he has I don’t know much about because I think it would upset me to ask him (even though I am so curious to know). He basically told me it’s a specific appearance that doesn’t look like me. So I will never be able to satisfy his fetish.
His therapist suggests that he just starts watching porn again (with boundaries set in place, like watching less than at the beginning of our relationship) to satisfy that fetish. I think that this could work but all I can think is that I’m not enough and not what he really wants. We have such an amazing relationship in every other aspect than this. It would feel like such a waste to break up bc I know we have something so special. I just worry that long term this won’t work because I will always know he has to watch porn to satisfy that part of him that I can’t. He has assured me many times that he loves me so much and wishes he could not have this fetish/ turn it off so we can continue having a happy relationship. Also he explained his fetish to me as something he will always desire/ want to think about as it’s his #1 sexual preference. Even through all this we still have a great sex life and he says he loves having sex with me. He tells me that he doesn’t want anyone else. He is so sad that this is ruining our relationship and I know that he would change if he could which breaks my heart. I worried that he will be unhappy if I can’t satisfy his needs completely. He just doesn’t put as much importance on sex in a relationship, he thinks it’s much more important to be 100% compatible in every other aspect.
I believe that there’s more to this and that there is another solution/ second therapist opinion I just don’t know what it could be. He suggests we go to therapy together to find a good solution. He wants to do anything he can to make this work and so do I. I know he is completely in love with me, I just want to find a way.
Any advice or insight is appreciated I just feel so stuck on what to do. Does anything think there’s a way to make this actually work?
TLDR: bf 23M has fetish I 22F can’t fulfill wants to make this work.
7 comments
Why would his therapist suggest porn when he had a problem with it in the past and it killed your sex life? This does not seem like a good idea at all. Can’t he just use his imagination?
You’re only 21, I would save myself the grief and break up because it sounds like it really bothers you. As a 30F, trust me there are so many options out there. Don’t settle.
Edited to add: I had a bf at one point who had a fetish for a certain race that I am not. He said he didn’t care and that all the other compatabilites matter to him more. I stuck it out with him but he ended up cheating on me with a woman of that race 💁♀️ not saying that your bf will. But like I stressed out over this problem in our relationship and after trying to make it work, it just hit me in the face. Too much stress for such an outcome. It really hit my self confidence. I’m probably projecting here but want to share my experience.
Let’s pretend that his fetish is something physically impossible. Not just that you don’t fit it, but that it’s literally not possible. For example, the whole “female giantess” genre of porn. Literally a physical impossibility, and yet it’s surprising popular as a niche.
Does that make you feel better? Like, if you knew that his fetish was something simply unobtainable, and that he is 100% satisfied with the real-life sex and real-life girlfriend’s body that he has, would you feel relieved? Or would you feel worse, like despairing?
I think this might help you separate out whether the issue is that you feel threatened (because you are comparing yourself to another body type or ethnic group, and feeling inadequate, and wondering whether he’s going to leave you for someone who fits his fetish), or whether you don’t like the idea that he has a fetish that you can’t fulfill at all. Because those are two different issues to tackle, as you process this.
Yeah, I don’t think thats what the therapist said…
Why do so many young people settle like this? He has to use an aid just to be able to stand to touch you. Rethink this relationship. You can do much better.
He’s lying to you. About which part is debatable. But he’s not telling the truth
Honestly just find a guy without the baggage.
I had this problem with my ex husband. He had a thing for like, cartoon sized breasts on older women. I was late 20’s, thin as a rail, and barely a B cup. I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was a huge stressor. He also had a porn addiction with erectile dysfunction. When he left me, I was neck deep in anorexia and bulimia, and diagnosed with major depressive disorder with suicidal ideation. I’m not saying you’ll end up like me—I’m a severe case. It will chip at you over time if your self esteem is vulnerable.
If the relationship is worth saving, go to a licensed therapist for couples counseling. There are many who specialize in porn addiction in relationships. If you feel this is too much, you know what to do. Breakups fucking suck, but time, space, and solid support will get you through it. I promise.