Is this an actual thing? I had a guy say that he never tried to ask me out or really talk to me because he thought he never had a shot at all in Dec.
I thought this was a strange thing for someone to say and kinda brushed it off, but another guy said similar to me last week as well and now I’m just confused if this is solidly a thing or if guys generally just assume I might be shallow when they see me š
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Oh absolutely itās normal Iāve done that before and I missed out dating a wonderful woman because of it
Edit; itās not because you are shallow just FYI
Dudes get insecure too it happens.
We live in a world where everyone is so concerned about whether couples are in the same league (primarily physically) or not. If a dude believes a girl is way out of his league, he is likely to not make a move. I’ve done it many a time and I’m sure women do it too.
Too normal. We don’t usually have much self esteem among other things lol
Yeah, itās somewhat common. Unless you know your hot most guys tend to believe the women is a league above them. āIām so lucky that you gave me a chanceā or āI canāt believe you actually said yes.ā Itās kinda sad in a way.
100% there is this Girl at the gym I really like, I definitely get a few looks and flirtatious signals from here and then other days not as much, so the mixed signals are what confuses me and makes me question whether or not to actually strike up a conversation.
I believe this is the biggest reason men dont approach women is the mixed signals they send us.
Yeah very common, with how awkward it is when you get shot down sometimes it’s easier not to go there.
Especially if you’re in close proximity to each other (ie work) on a regular basis.
Sometimes, us guys assess the situation and overthink the hell out of it when we should just go for it. We understand we wont know the outcome unless we try, but hell… it do be what it do be.
Also, do you think you’re shallow? If you can answer this with an honest “no”, then that’s on them not you. Don’t put yourself down for what you think others might be thinking. Ya dont know til ya know.
It is an actual thing. If you spend enough time on here you’ll read how women don’t want to be approached at certain places (gym, grocery store), OLD is a bust because the men women do pair ghost them or unmatch or are just looking for sex etc, and so what is left are the genuinely good guys who may not only feel they dont have a shot but may be rejected for even trying. At least that’s what I have been reading around these reddit parts. As a man, I will tell you guys have it tough too so it isn’t greener grass over here either. What is one to do?
Given that girls usually have a plethora of options, we often find ourselves comparing ourselves to the competition. And because of that, we take ourselves out of the running (speaking from personal experience)
Yes it’s normal mine stems from being young and fearful of being picked on. I was always picked on even by girls even though the would sneak kisses. And some women are absolutely gorgeous as I’m guessing you probably are if he Said that. I remember reading at one time people will try to date 10% percent higher then their actual attractiveness level. Because they typically don’t see the unatractiveness in them selves. . My answer to thst is I just don’t chase I never needed to but I’m an old fucker now and I am up because I think I had a heart attack. Lol. So maybe tomorrow I’ll start chasing. Also age does make a difference I’ve been dating younger again becsuse I don’t care what people think anymore.. and this weekend will be a test… woohoo
Facts. I’m single practically my whole life and keep my standards low and expectations lower due to this reason
Some do, some don’t. A lot of men were raised to pedestalize women for simply being women and this skews their self worth negatively when they compare their perceived inherent value to that of a woman’s.
That’s what’s stopping me from asking someone out who I like. She seems to like me too when we have hung out but she’s also popular and likes people in general, I think. I know her through mutual friends and I’ve seen her at parties. I got her number and I have asked her out before and she said yes but our plans fell through several times before we finally did hang out at a bar where she was a bartender. I met a guy there named Jesus (pronounced like the messiah) and the moment she was out of earshot, he asked me if I had a girlfriend, and I said no, and then he asked me what I was doing here and I said I was hanging out with so-and-so. And this motherfucker said to me, basically, don’t try to force things in a relationship, and let things happen naturally, and know that it’s okay to give up, essentially. Basically discouraging me. I was nervous already and that didn’t help. Still, I had a good time. She laughed at my jokes and said my keychain was gangster, which I took as a great compliment. I gave her genuine compliments and she appreciated them. I got pretty drunk, too, and I told her this and she offered to let me stay at her apartment so I wouldn’t have to drive and I fuckin’ pussied out (at least in part due to not having contact solution/glasses with me). So I was there a few hours listening to the different bands and eventually said goodbye to this girl, went back to my car, waited till I was sober, then drove home. Then I could have texted her, but I didn’t. She was even ready to make plans to hang out again and I just didn’t hold up my end of the deal. I just felt weird about the whole thing and discouraged. Jesus really threw me off balance. She was even cooler than I realized at first, too. She spontaneously danced, which I’ve never done. I do want to ask her out to dinner, even if I get rejected, but I’m not doing it. I’m just allowing time to pass.
tl;dr: don’t worry, it’s not worth reading
Yes this is common especially because women are brutal to men. It helps to be open about your feelings and tell them they have a chance
Me right now. I’m chickening out about setting a date to ask this girl out.
Yeah Iām the worst of the worst ! I canāt even believe people acknowledge my existence š
Very common, but there are also two schools of thought about how to approach women; one will favour confidence with the risk of coming across as arrogant or a more slow burner, wait for something to happen naturally kind of way, which some female friends prefer (especially as the first can be annoying or creepy).
In other words, active or passive, and you don’t always know what works best for you, the girl or both. So you have that combo of assuming you’re not good enough for someone and that she is probably asked out on a weekly basis so would probably be offended or at least see you in a negative light after that.
Not to mention the context can be key, e.g. would you risk creating awkwardness in a workplace or a group of friends? It could change everything.
I ended my only relationship with a girl because i thought she deserved someone better. I think I loved this girl and now she hates me and has already a new partner. Maybe that was exactly what I wanted but I donāt feel very good about it either
Yeah no this is 100% a thing and is pretty normal tbh
Very common, even when guys do shoot their shot they usually get the result they expect in that a girl does not wish to give them the time of day and it’s just a huge hit to the self confidence of most guys. Don’t take it as it is something on your own part it’s mostly a mental block for guys that don’t really have a good grip on their self worth from a multitude of factors in society, social circles and fear of rejection for guys.
Plus most guys are comparing themselves to more attractive ideal guys, it’s kind of the same trap women fall in when they’re envious of how pretty they perceive other women over them are.
It’s THE thing that makes most guys not try with women they find attractive.
For some it becomes a downward spiral of beating yourself up over an imaginary thing and becoming increasingly lonely.
That’s also why you can find so many young guys being bitter about women not wanting them, but in reality they barely talk to them.
Oh absolutely. Male, 38, Australian, university post-graduate here who has had a full-time job since 2009, but I’m an escapism addict due to my perpetually almost dead social life.
I have a phobia of rejection and it feels like an inescapable fact of life to me that I will never be good enough, in all sorts of ways, to be with anyone that I’m actually attracted to. Also that there’s no point in trying with anyone that I have no attraction to either. Why waste her time or my time with something pointless? I’ve never felt financially stable enough to indulge myself in having a luxurious social life, even though I’ve travelled to over two dozen countries over the last decade and I now have a mortgage and have hopefully now forever escaped renting a place. I’ve never felt particularly good looking and have always been a little bit overweight around the middle. I do get regular exercise but I find sit-ups very difficult. I’ve always felt socially inept with my social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder, no matter how big a recovery I’ve made from both. My phobia of getting into a vehicle accident has made it very difficult to ever drive a car so I’ve never owned one. What girl wants to date a guy who doesn’t ever drive?
No one has ever genuinely asked me out, the only time I actually got asked out by a girl was so that she could use me to get into a high school dance that I didn’t want to go to because she was in the year below me and wanted to hang out with her own friends in my year. No matter what I do, no matter how much I learn, no matter how much interesting stuff I know, etc. I will very probably feel that there’s no point in my asking anyone out. My dating live has been a series of disasters and failures and at my age the women close to my age are getting less and less attractive to me anyway.
I figure as far as my dating life goes, as well as any prospects for my being in a happy long-term romantic relationship… That ship has sailed and it sunk before it even left the harbour. It would need a maritime archaeological crew to raise it from the depths, like the Vasa in Stockholm, before it gets turned into an exhibition of spectacular failure in a museum somewhere.
Worse still, I even get told that my not even trying to ask anyone out makes ME a bad person because I don’t give ladies the opportunity to get to know me better. Fuck. Why am I being guilt-tripped over my humiliating failures and phobias? It’s really not helping. When I ask for help no one ever helps. No one wants to introduce me to their single friend. No one invites me to their parties to meet new people. I just don’t see any point in trying to play a rigged game with broken pieces. It’s more stress than it’s worth.
For me yes. All the time
Yeah all the time. I look at myself and im like, yeah you’re nothing bruv, you don’t deserve her. Then I go about my day and do my thing.
We’re taught to work on ourselves first which often leaves this feeling of yea we’re not good enough, thing is the goal of self improvement is never fulfilled so we get stuck in dating limbo
Yes, and instead we decided to spend countless hours of our lives on a social media platform lurking to answer questions like this.
Yeah, absolutely.
Guys get shot down a gazillion times. It’s not easy to generally be the one to ask. It could end up being a simple ‘no,’ and you move on, no harm done to something really embarrassing. Maybe you come off as a creep. Maybe one of her friends is nasty and puts you down hard. Happens. I asked this girl out in 11th grade and last year my sister met her friends at a singles event. They’re **still** talking shit about it. WTF, that was almost 20 yrs ago.
Plus, guys who are considerate are conscious of women generally not seeking to be approached just because they’re existing in a public place. You hear women complaining about it all the time. On Reddit. In the media. etc etc.
Then there’s just low self esteem. It’s also a lot easier to talk yourself out of doing it then to expose yourself to rejection. Especially when you think she’s got better options than you and your chances of rejection are 99%.
It would be nice if there was some signal women used to communicate they are opent o being approached. But you don’t realize how many guys would mob you all at once. So, that’s not happening.
Is it normal? Maybe not. But is it surprisingly and unfortunately common? Absolutely.
I’ve definitely told myself “no” when it came to approaching women I like just because I thought I wasn’t good enough. I’ve even gotten so far as to be talking to/dating a woman for a couple months only to arrive at the conclusion that she doesn’t want to see me anymore despite zero evidence.
“Oh, she doesn’t want to be bothered by me. I’m not smart/good looking/funny/wealthy/interesting/<insert adjective> enough. I’d probably scare her away.”
The cause of this kind of behavior is up for discussion (a societal or personal problem, etc.), but it’s really common in young men today. Whether things were better in years past, I don’t know either.
Absolutely, men struggle with self-confidence all the time.
yes, this is a thing. OP may be a little naive if you didnāt know this. men can and will become intimidated when someone is extremely attractive to them. some men push past their intimidation, others are not intimidated at all. itās common to think, āwell if she is that pretty or that popular or that talented, or that cute, then she probably has hundreds of guys hitting on her. iām a nobody, what chance would i have???ā
They don’t think you’re shallow, they think they are not worthy, like if they were you, they wouldn’t want to date themselves
This happened to me last week. Girl and a group of her friends sat near me in the library. The girl sat right next to me (even though there were empty seats closer to her friends) lol and, through my peripheral vision, I saw her take a couple peeks at me every few minutes. I couldnāt even muster up any courage to look at her face, because in my mind, āwhat girl would even want to look at my face? Iām just imagining itā.
I so badly wanted to say hi, or look her in the eye, or SOMETHING, but I couldnāt do it. Itās a very hard mindset to get out of.
Short answer, yes.
Of course this is extremely common
When ur rejected plenty of times it leaves a mark
Some of these questions drive me insane. Is this a way to validate yourself or something? Your so hot that guys are intimidated to come talk to you so you post it online? Of course that happens with some guys. Would you walk up to Christiano Ronaldo and think you had a shot?
Extremely normal. Despite common belief, men do in fact have feelings, and rejection hurts. We will often avoid approaching/asking out a girl because the high likelihood of being rejected, and the often rude / sadistic way in which women do it