Having some difficult emotionally connecting with the person I’m dating. Help?

9 comments

1. (I don’t mean to make the wording of this sound antagonistic towards him because this could just be an opportunity for learning)

   It sounds like he may be someone who has never been with someone who has more specific/sensitive emotional needs, so maybe this is an area where he just needs help learning how to communicate (mutually).

   Personally, I’d say the best thing to get the ball rolling for this is to just be direct, but succinct – maybe dedicate an evening to spending some time with this type of conversation as the main subject, and try to ease into it. He may not (yet) know how to hold space for someone or how to actively listen in this type of conversation.

2. I’m interested to see what others respond to this, but what reaction is it that you want from him when you’re expressing something emotionally difficult? It sounds to me like he did offer you reassurance and understanding when you talked to him, so perhaps you need to consider why it felt emotionally empty. It also sounds like you broached it from an angle of ‘I will need to talk about these things’ and he said he was happy to do that when it came up. If there was something specific in that moment that you’d wanted to talk about then perhaps he misunderstood your intentions. Often I think we have to look inside ourselves in those moments because I would suspect that the reason it felt empty is because he can’t soothe you, you need to be able to soothe yourself.

   I can relate in some ways to what you’re saying because I’ve had some difficult relationships and I’ve explained to my boyfriend how my exes have responded to certain things and how it can impact on me. However the best thing that he has done is to just be himself and when those things came up, he has responded in a way that is reasonable and ‘normal’ and it has shown me that I don’t have to worry about his reaction, which then means I can share things or not feel like I need to filter myself. An example is that the other day at his house I went to move his dehumidifier when I was setting the table and some water spilled out onto the floor. My ex would have gone nuts about that and then given me the silent treatment all evening, even though it was just water. My current boyfriend was fine, he told me not to worry, we mopped it up and went on our way.

   Coming from the other side of the coin, it can be really hard to constantly have to reassure someone that you’re not angry with them if you have a disagreement. You haven’t said what those conversations where you disagree are like, whether he is saying things that do make you think he’s angry? Again, early on in my relationship my boyfriend and I had some misunderstandings over text and one of us would just pick up the phone and clarify what was going on and we’d just sort it out. We both knew that there’s so much that can be misconstrued over text. So I don’t think there’s any harm in you saying to him that if you’re feeling uncertain over something in a text message that you’ll give him a call to talk it through. I do think that you will need to tell him what you need in those moments, you can’t expect him to just know what to do.

   When things are coming up for you due to past traumas, that are not based on his behaviour or your current relationship, it’s not his job to reassure you, you need to keep working on that by using those strategies and looking at evidence from within your own relationship. It’s hard work, but likely the reason you’re not feeling that emotional connection comes from within yourself, rather than his behaviour, based on the information in your post.

3. You have known him for few months and you want him to be as invested in you as someone who has known you for years.

   If you catastrophize over text, stop communicating over text.

4. You need counseling to address your abusive past. Maybe by yourself at first and if he agrees then you can go together, but you need to work this fear out yourself first.

5. I would encourage you to deep dive on what truly counts as emotional intimacy to you. I also had a very emotionally abusive and toxic marriage and really correlated the ups and downs of those fights and toxicity – and the make ups – as emotional depth and connection. I have been dating my current bf for 2.5 years and it took me tons of therapy and time to unlearn some of that. My bf is completely unflappable and chill – our disagreements are mature and calm – but I wondered for so long if he was secretly mad at me. Therapy has hugely helped me realize that calm and a lack of drama does not equate to lack of emotional connection. This could not be your situation at all, but working through those things truly helped me adjust to a calm and healthy relationship

6. Get therapy, stop asking strangers to fix your personal life.

7. It sounds like you threw a lot at this guy out of the blue while at the same time expecting him to come back with the perfect reassuring response exactly suited to your needs, on the spot. You need to give him some time to grow into this and maybe you should step back a little with this emotional forward momentum and let him come to you with it so that you can reach some kind of balance. I’m not saying to stop moving forward, just saying to leave things to settle for a couple weeks and see what his reaction is. But obviously keep seeing him and enjoying intimacy as normal.

   Also, you are catastrophising his potential responses based solely on your previous abusive relationship. While I agree that it’s positive to let him know some of this so that he gets where you are coming from and can put it into context, it’s also not so helpful to lay all of this on someone you’ve known for only two months. You need to take this slow and for the next few weeks at least, really try to inject extra fun and playfulness into your dates so that he doesn’t feel like this is hanging over your relationship now because that can be too much for a lot of folks so soon in a relationship.

8. I personally think too many people here are questioning your feelings on the matter, which doesn’t feel fair. I have been out with people who did everything right on paper (I mean it’s really not hard to say something nice and give them a hug after all) but something about the whole exchange felt really off. Sometimes it’s just a body language thing; sometimes it’s because their pleasantries actually shut the conversation down rather than open it up so I would go away feeling like they kinda don’t want to know about how I’m feeling, they just want it to be over quickly.

   Of course, it could be that you’re misinterpreting something, or it could be that he’s not great at giving emotional support, or it could be that he was caught off guard or having an off moment. We can’t tell over the internet. But as for your question, the answer is in your OP – is a two way street and if it becomes an ongoing concern you’re not going to be able to single handedly do anything about it.

   Something about this guy’s manner makes you uncomfortable. Maybe for now just accept that as information and be curious about it. It could be that something got lost in translation and that discomfort slips away. I don’t think there’s anything you need to do right now, just make sure to be kind and caring towards yourself while you’re feeling this way and if you continue feeling off when you chat to him about things that are important to you then you might want to re evaluate whether this is the partnership for you. I’m sure you’d be fine with occasional ‘off’ feelings in a relationship that boil down to misunderstandings, but consistent off feelings would suggest to me something that won’t change.

9. sometimes i think – lets not get too overburdening on each other with each others problems too soon. Let the honeymoon period last little longer before we really get each other involved in all our lives difficulties. I hope that makes sense.