Hi all. My gf (23 F)and I (25 M) have been together for just over a year.
Our relationship was going great. We enjoyed our time together all the time apart from a few hiccups. We have a lot in common, and some differences, naturally, because we were raised in two different cultures.
Over the past 6 months, however, we have spent almost everyday together. And I know that when you spend so much time with someone you start getting on each other’s nerves if you are not doing your own thing. Her thing is that she always wants me to do stuff faster or be more PC or just bringing up stuff that I did which I had no intention of being rude or insulting, and telling me how that made her feel bad and hurt, which in turn makes me both angry and sad because I KNOW that I did not mean to say/ do something in the way she perceived it. She criticizes me a lot (like my driving, my affection, my dish washing skills…etc. ) but she claims it’s because she wants me to do better.
On the other hand, I do admit that she does have certain skills that are better than me, like driving, cooking, emotional intelligence…etc. so at first it made me upset because I don’t take criticism well, but lately i’ve been realizing that if someone is pointing this stuff out for this long then they really must care that I learn.
We have had really bad fights that started from nothing. The last one was right before we traveled, as we’re both spending holidays with our respective families. It was bad and she said that maybe we have to spend a few days not talking to each other, solely for the reason of reflecting on ourselves and spending some time to each other. Not a break , just not talking and it’ll be easier since we will be doing a temporary long-distance. I told her that I don’t want that, because i’ll be missing her a lot. She agreed and we dropped it.
I can’t help but feel insecure and thinking about her and what she would say before I make a decision or go out somewhere or whatever, and it’s mentally draining especially when I still get criticized.
I love her, and she loves me. I just don’t know if this is healthy anymore. I feel like i overthink and put stress on the relationship more than her, so most fights tend to start from me trying to get reassurance.
I am writing this because I am upset after a phone call we just had, so it may be biased, but please help me in figuring out whether I have to make one of the hardest decisions in my life, or stay with her.
I can’t imagine my life without her, she includes me in all her plans and family activities. I felt like she was my soulmate so many times, and she told me the same, but I just don’t know why we’re both feeing some sort of annoyance or resentment to each other.
Do you guys have any set of questions i can ask myself to identify whether this is a healthy or a toxic relationship or not? What can I do? Any constructive advice would Be appreciated
Tl;dr. My gf and I have been arguing a lot and it’s making me question whether it is my overthinking or insecurity, or the relationship is just becoming toxic
Thanks!
4 comments
It’s toxic because you are toxic.
Not pulling your weight with household chores and getting upset with her when she calls you on it. Turning it back on her by getting upset when she says you hurt her.
If you acknowledge that you need to grow and change the relationship might be saved, or at the least you won’t ruin your next relationship too.
Edited to add: she wants you to be more PC = you’re being racist or sexist or ableist or whatever.
Have you even taken her issues seriously and tried to fix them? You can’t run away from criticism but have you thought that maybe if she brought up the issue in a different way, you would be less defensive?
Criticisms often feel like an attack even though in most cases people don’t mean it as an attack though it can definitely be worded in a painful manner.
On the other hand, you need to take a second to step back before getting defensive and think about why she said what she said. Maybe ask her to elaborate, show you how to do something or say something in a better way. Be goal oriented instead of being hung up on feeling hurt. Throw your pride away. Relationship isn’t about pride. It’s about yrust and respect.
it sounds like your gf is being pretty critical of you. That can definitely take a toll on a relationship. And it sounds like you’re feeling pretty insecure about it all. It’s tough to say whether this is a healthy or toxic relationship without knowing more about it, but it definitely doesn’t sound like everything is peachy keen.
It might be helpful to try to have a conversation with your gf about how her criticism makes you feel. Make sure to be honest and open with her. It’s also important to remember that it’s okay to have differences and to not always agree on everything. It’s normal for couples to have disagreements and arguments from time to time. But if it’s causing a lot of stress and tension in your relationship, it might be worth considering whether this is the right relationship for you.
It might also be helpful to spend some time apart and focus on your own interests and hobbies. Having some space and time to yourself can help you gain some perspective and maybe even bring some fresh energy back into your relationship.
Ultimately, the most important thing is to make sure you’re happy and healthy. If you’re feeling drained and unsure about your relationship, it might be time to reevaluate things. Good luck!
A lot of these depends on what is going on. I mean, maybe you leave dishes dirty and then she is entiterely entitled to complain. Or maybe she is notpicking minor differences. If the dishes are clean, tell her to stop nitpicking. Maybe you drive dangerously and badly. Maybe she nitpicks you doing perfectly normal maneuvers. It is hard to say which these are from afar. Getting some clarity about whether she has a point or not would help.
When you say “she wants me to be more PC” it kind of says to me that you don’t take seriously when she does not like you insulting women, other people races or something like that. (No one refences to insults against white men as political correctness. In my experience, it is always in reference to jokes about women or race.). And again, I do not known whether she is personally hit by whatever you said or have different political views.
But here, you want your speech to be judged solely by intention. You did not intended to insult her, therefore when she complains she is making you sad. And her intention does not matter, unlike yours, because result is you being sad therefore she should not said it. But if you are making “non-pc” comments, you are being opposite or reassuring.
You want reassurance, maybe tell her exactly that. Tell her that you feel criticized constantly. Listen what she has to say about what she finds appropriate … and think about it. If you find yourself disagreeing in principle, you two might be incompatible. Maybe you will realize she is in fact too nitpicky. Maybe you will realize you was Iin the wrong.
If you end up thinking she is right, tell her you are making effort, but that constant stream of criticism is tiring. She needs to let you wash dishes your way. She needs to let you breathe.