I (18f) won’t have sex with my boyfriend (19m)

21 comments

1. 1. Don’t have sex until you’re ready to.
   2. Your guy is not in physical pain due to not getting sex.
   3. Your guy is responsible for his own physical state.
   4. Please use reliable contraception (and learn how to use it properly) before you have sex and you will be fine.

   It sounds like you’re with a nice guy who respects your boundaries and asks for consent. Don’t pile the pressure onto yourself, you have also got nothing to feel guilty about. It’s better to take things at your own pace than to make yourself into going faster than you feel Ok with (remember that this is not what your BF would want either).

2. Blue balls. Jesus. If I only I had $20 for every boy who used that BS when I was a teen. 🙄 They can masturbate. Trust me.

   Don’t have sex until you’re ready. I didn’t and I regret it. ❤️ If he resents you, he isn’t the one.

3. Don’t rush it. If he’s being respectful and honoring your wishes to wait just take it at face value. Don’t assume he’s getting impatient with you. You’re relationship is fine, you’re doing fine. You guys are young and it’s worth waiting until you’re ready.

4. No need to feel guilty.

   You absolutely do not have to service a person just because you’re dating.

   Please don’t ever sexually service a person for the sole purpose of keeping him with you. If you have to do that, they’re not a good choice of a partner.

   Two months of dating isn’t actually that long and you aren’t required to have sex just because you’ve been seeing each other for a matter of 8 weeks or so.

   You are not ever obliged to have sex when you do not want to have sex.

   He’s responsible for his own balls and can take care of himself if he’s actually hurting.

   If you’ve recently left a high demand religion, you need time to recalibrate, educate yourself, and determine your own sexual ethic. Take that time. If you don’t you may end up in some really traumatic situations.

   What you need to do now is *communicate with him.* Communication is a foundational requirement for a healthy relationship. Especially with regard to a healthy sexual relationship. So tell him you’re hesitant and that you’re afraid your hesitation will make him upset. Thank him for being respectful of your boundaries and not being pushy. Talk about how your relationship might progress towards including sex and what you need in order to feel ready.

5. Blue balls? What? No, he is fine. If he needs to he can take care of himself later. He sounds like a respectful dude — he knows you’re not ready and he’s not starting anything he can’t handle. Speaking as someone raising a toddler, if my husband was gonna collapse in agony and suffering every time our sex gets interrupted I’d be a widow.

   I was in a similar situation. Never dated, Christian background, had recently decided I didn’t need to practice abstinence. My then-boyfriend-now-husband had dated several people before and had had plenty of sex. (Well, plenty compared to zero.)

   I was open about the fact I wasn’t ready, but was also upfront that I wasn’t planning to wait until marriage either. He was perfectly fine with it. Every new “boundary,” he asked about. If I wasn’t ready for something, he waited until I let him know. Took me 2 or 3 months to feel ready for sex, I think.

   Just keep an open stream of communication. Talk about sex. There’s plenty of things you can slowly introduce to build intimancy without jumping straight to full on sex. Talk about your anxieties and residual guilt. Get your contraception plans sorted. Take your journey day by day.

6. Okay, if a publication actually says the words “blue balls”, find something else to read. There should be some good reputable sex-Ed websites written by actual people in the health sciences.

   Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy and that he understands where you are at. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready and there is nothing wrong with that.

7. It seems you two are doing just fine. Don’t worry about blue balls, unless they were homeschooled and really severely sheltered us dudes know how to remedy that problem, lol. Every relationship dynamic is slightly different but it seems like your boyfriend is respecting your boundaries so I would suggest you enjoy your time together and figure things out at your own pace.

   If this is still bothering you in a few days just talk to your boyfriend about it. I can’t speak for all guys but most of us just want to feel wanted in a relationship and are pretty reasonable and accommodating when we are treated like people.

8. Don’t believe everything you read. Blue balls isn’t a real thing. It’s not painful wtf!?

   You wait til you’re ready, and that’s the end of that discussion. He’s clearly ok with it. If you’re scared of pregnancy, use a condom and perhaps even birth control. No issue there.

9. so theres 2 sides to this coin. so first lets address consent, its in your hands entirely. even if your reasoning is batshit insane you shouldnt feel pressured to fuck anyone at all EVER. if you dont want to have sex, thats all the reason in the world not to.

   SECONDLY, however, and this is where im going to draw hate. Abstinence only programs are basically cult indoctrination seminars meant to brainwash you into believing theres something wrong with the process by which you came into existence. but think for 15 seconds. why would ANY supreme being care at all about premarital sex. lets break this down. theres 8 BILLION people. try to imagine the number of people that existed before us and the number that will exist long after we both die off. you are ONE of that 8 BILLION in this one sliver of time. and we are outnumbered by ants. and thats just ONE other species. there are SEVERAL species that rival us in intelligence but lack thumbs to truly advance technologically. and all of these animals including us are only the inhabitants of ONE planet. and the drake equation demonstrates that there are hundreds of other life bearing worlds. now of all of this existence and life in the universe, you believe the SUPREME BEING presiding over ALL of this cares that some people have sex without performing a ritual that no other animal needs to perform ever? fucking bonkers shit. furthermore this was all invented as a traditional way of manipulating women. firstly virginity means nothing to a guy who isn’t insecure about his abilities in bed or the size of his penis. but insecure guys in the ancient world were willing to pay for their insecurities to be accommodated. you rob your future husband of literally nothing a decent man would care about by having premarital sex. its a ridiculous tradition propped up by christian cults as a means of controlling women’s sexuality, because some women can wield it like power.

   id take some time if i were you, try to tear out those brain worms, then ask yourself if YOU want to have sex with your boyfriend and take full read for whatever answer you come up with. fuck any god that would be upset by this and any “future husband” that would be hurt by this neither are worth your time but your FEELINGS on the matter as to whether you’re attracted to this guy or it feels right right now ARE.

   but even if your reasons are insane, no will always mean NO.

10. Blue balls is fake news.

    Do not have sex until you’re ready and really want to.

11. >he was so respectful and wouldn’t touch me anywhere unless I specifically told him that it’s alright

    >I’ve read alot about blue balls and how painful it can be for a guy to not get off when turned on

    OP, there’s no problem here. Unless you think he’s not masturbating (which would be a very silly assumption), he’s gonna be fine.

    Your church/family might have instilled in you some very inaccurate views about sexual health; having sex is a bonus but absolutely not a physical need. Plenty of single guys are able to do just fine without it, there’s really no rush to commit to intercourse. Don’t have sex until you are ready, and if you are not comfortable it seems like your partner is respectful and understanding enough to give you all the space and time you need.

12. Don’t listen to the blue balls stuff. It happens, yes, but it’s not something that any woman should ever take on as their responsibility.

    It sounds like you found a decent, respectful guy. If he’s not pushing, try and let go of the pressure to have PIV sex. In many ways, y’all are already having sex. The making out and hands are all part of foreplay will likely eventually lead to PIV, but not having PIV doesn’t meant you’re not having sex (big picture…people get stuck in semantics, but for you, right now, it’s healthier to give yourself the credit for what you HAVE done physically, and not what you haven’t). The more comfortable you become with the physician stuff you’re doing now, the easier it’ll be to listen to yourself and know when you’re ready for something more.

13. Hi,

    Don’t pressure yourself! The dude seems to be really respectful! So just continue like you did. Take small steps and everything will be fine. If you are worried about blue balls, you can always get him of with your hands if you feel ready for that. If not it’s fine too! He can take care of himself!

    If it helps you, with my first boyfriend I waited 8 months until I felt ready. And even than it took me at least again half a year to actually totally be cool with it.
    Now with my new boyfriend it took me 6 months to fully “trust” him to be intimate.

    And if you are afraid of pregnancy ( so do I), just tell him he has to use a condom and still pull out. But also go into therapy, it helped me a lot to not think about it every day and to enjoy the intimacy.

14. Blue balls isn’t real

15. So, if a girl says No to sex, how soon will the boy give up and find a girl who says Yes? The answer is: soon after he starts complaining. Since your worry about blue balls came from reading rather than from your BF, there’s no urgency at present. As for Eventually, there’s no love without risk.

16. Why would you feel guilty?

    You decide when to have sex with somebody.

    “Blue balls” is is a childish stupid crap. Nobody has “blue balls”!

    He either respects you or tell him off.

17. As much as we want to say that two people in a relationship should be able to have sexual activity to increase their closeness and bonding but the reality is that there’s a lot of validation for a person if they don’t want to have sex.

    It’s then up to the other person to stay in this relationship or not.

    You can find somebody who aligns more with your ideas of sexual activity as well as the other person can’t find somebody who alliance more with that also

    This is a day and age where we recognize that consent and no pressure sex is more important than having sex when you’re not ready and being pressured into it

    So on one hand your boyfriend is pretty much telling you he’s okay with that. And on the other hand if one day he decides that he’s not okay with it then hopefully he’ll end the relationship and you’ll find somebody who matches him better, so that both of you can continue being in relationships with people who you feel safe with and happy with and don’t feel any pressure to do or not do some things in the relationship

18. Don’t be in a rush. It sounds as though he’s not going to pressure you, cherish that consideration and relax.

19. Sounds like you’re worried about a problem that doesn’t exist. He’s fine.

20. You should be extremely proud of yourself don’t have sex until you’re ready if he tries to rush you he’s not the one he seems like a great kid tho

21. He sounds like a good dude, I think he will tell you when your lack of sex is a problem