TLDR in past relationships, small disagreements became big yelling fights, so now we are each afraid to resolve our disagreements because we don’t even know how to properly talk about them. Plus we are both conditioned, due to past relationship experiences, to expect massive, soul-sucking drama and stress over every little thing.
It’s hard for me to even describe this – that’s how much I’m not used to healthy relationship dynamics. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, how do I say “hey, you were being a bit of a minor asshole there. Sounds like you may not have really meant it that way but at any rate, can you not?”
I can’t speak for my boyfriend but this is my context here: In past relationships, i was walking on eggshells and trying not to piss off the other person because small slights were met with him losing his temper abruptly and yelling and name-calling, and blowing it all out of proportion. And it would become a hugely stressful and dramatic thing causing days of worry and stress before it could be resolved. So then i felt like I could never be myself, which was bad for the relationship because it makes you avoid trust and vulnerability. And if you don’t resolve the small things, resentment builds up too. So avoidance is no good. And it creates fear in the relationship if you think that every little fight could lead to a breakup because you can’t depend on each other to know how to healthily resolve conflict.
Theoretically, we should be able to resolve minor disagreements quickly with just a few calm sentences, and then be able to move on with our day without lingering stress and such. We should be able to bring up relationship concerns without poking the other person’s trauma and making them get defensive and stressed out.
But I literally don’t know the words with which to resolve conflict in this way because I only have ever known the yelling and the emotional/mental abuse etc.
I think I need a script.
4 comments
Maybe neither of you should be in a relationship at the moment? ..idk..
There are lots of books and videos about conflict resolution and healthy communication. Read and watch them together and discuss.
Hi! I can’t say I follow a script but I have been through some pretty brutal relationships and learned a lot after being in a healthy one for some time. This sounds weird but the gentle-parenting technique works in some way. Not exactly the same technique but let’s say your partner does something that has affected you negatively. For example, leaving dirty dishes in the sink after an entire day after you spent the day prior washing dishes. Approach them calmly and tell them you appreciate that they put the dishes in the sink but you would appreciate if they cleaned the dishes. Or, ask if they would like to help you. I’m probably not the best at describing this but it’s helped me learn how to approach issues without feeling like I’m attacking/being attacked. I think the most important thing is to let your partner know how you feel in a situation and ask how they feel. When you both are aware of how the other is feeling it opens up conversation. Another thing that’s helped me a lot is forcing myself not to shut down or run away from a problem. I try to stay calm and hear my partner’s concerns before voicing my own. It’s been ingrained in me to run away at any slight negative comment, even in my healthy relationship. Now it’s different, I find it easier to talk with my partner after addressing feels, appreciation, and action (them helping, etc). While resolving a conflict, even if I disagree with them on something, I let them know how important it is that they voiced their opinions and although I am not 100% in the same boat, I am willing to compromise. I hope this was more helpful than it is rambling hehe
As someone terrified of conflict because of past abuse, writing letters helps me a lot! That way I can edit it a few times to make sure there are no misconceptions and I feel totally confident with what I’m communicating. If that’s received well it usually helps kickstart the dialogue 🙂