Found out my fiancé had sex with two girls and lied to me about it.

45 comments

1. Y’all need to split. This isn’t healthy.

2. He should probably take off and find someone who doesn’t actively try to find reasons to have problems.

3. This dude does not owe you the details of every woman he’s ever had any relationship with before he met you, whether you explicitly asked or not. Get a grip and stop trying to be retroactively controlling over something neither of you can change. And maybe stop asking questions you won’t like the answers to and going through his phone. I mean who even says shit like that? “Did you do anything with this girl before we were together?” WTF is the guy supposed to say?

4. U sound incredibly unhappy. End it while ur still young and have plenty of dating time.

5. [deleted]

6. I’m with someone right now and we really don’t talk about past stuff to a significant degree and honestly I like it – I feel like our relationship is just who we are today and what we choose the bring into it

   I’d go as far as to say I don’t recommend making past relationships part of your future

7. Are you just looking for an excuse to break up with him. If so this one is very lame.

8. You probably need to get individual counseling.

   What he did before he met you really is none of your business.

9. Info: at your age right now, do you find 18 year old men attractive? Do you think you have a lot in common with 18 year old guys?

   Have you ever questioned his motivation in pursuing a relationship with an essential child when he was 24 years old? If he was sleeping with girls you know before you got together, it sounds like he’s been sleeping with high schoolers for a long time.

   Unfortunately, I doubt those two specific interactions are the only things he’s been dishonest about. I think you need to start considering whether he’s the man you thought he was.

10. This sounds sketchy. Trust your gut.

11. Whoa, some of these comments are not it. He lied to you. I think it’s perfectly normal to want to know about his past relationships, especially if these are women who are still in his life. In my opinion, the biggest issue is that he lied to you about it when you specifically asked him.

    Also… the age difference when you met… Too much for me. I would never EVER be interested in an 18 year when I was 24. Even when I was 20. The whole situation just doesn’t seem healthy.

12. While I think it’s silly to get bent out of shape over what your partner did before your relationship, it’s not stupid to want to break up with someone after they’ve lied to you multiple times.

    Either way, you sound unhappy and the two of you sound incompatible. It feels like you are looking for a good enough reason to break up to counteract how guilty you feel for not still being super into the relationship.

    Not being super into the relationship is a good enough reason. Cut your losses and move on. You’re allowed to not want to be with someone, even if they’re a good guy.

    As an aside- in the future, I would also advise talking to your partner about your feelings and curiosities instead of snooping in their phone. I’ve been there before, so not gonna judge you too harshly, but it never works out the way you want it to. Even if everything is squeaky clean on there, it doesn’t take away the issues you have that caused you to snoop in the first place.

13. I disagree with a lot of the comments here. I think it’s normal to want to know about your partner’s past relationships. You shouldn’t get mad because of the answers – that all happened before you and doesn’t matter – but it’s part of who they are and normal to ask these types of questions (especially involving people who are still in their lives).

    The issue here is really the lying. Not sure why he couldn’t just tell you the truth. Of course you’ve been with people before each other, so why does that necessitate a lie? Seems sketchy and even if no funny business is happening, lying is a big ol red flag.

    Edit to add…going through his phone is also not healthy. Might be time to move on or seek counseling.

14. You were both dumb to commit to this relationship so hard especially as it was your first and you were 18, super cringe. But it’s also none of your business who he hooked up with before you, you shouldn’t have asked, and it’s not wrong for him to lie about that. Probably better if he just said “it’s not your business” but i get the feeling you’d have taken that worse. I don’t have a solution for you just pointing out how much time you’ve wasted on a bad decision

15. These comments are so funny. Some of them make me feel like a horrible person and others make me feel a sense of relief that I’m not being too batshit crazy but I appreciate all of them. Good to hear so many opinions but now I just need to formulate my own plan of what to do. Thank you for everyone’s input. Reddit is a great place.

16. You have every right to want to know about his past especially since he’s acting suspicious and he proved to be a liar twice.

    Him saying he hoped she wouldn’t tell you is weird cause why would he want you to be friends with her but not tell you they smashed ?

17. I’m your age and have been in a couple serious relationships and have dated around otherwise, just for context so you know where I’m coming from.

    > We have incompatibilities but we both believe that any relationship can work out if both parties try hard enough.

    Love and effort are not enough to make a relationship work. Core compatibility of morals and values is also a huge factor.

    > . Each year passes and I just think “this is the year it gets better or it ends” but things stay the same. Not great but not necessarily terrible.

    You don’t need me to tell you that this year won’t be magically different.

    >I used to dream of a fairy tale romance story but I realized practicability was a better decision

    While you should make sure to have realistic expectations, practicality isn’t priority over love & compatibility. This isn’t a royal marriage for political purposes. This is who you’re choosing to be your life partner. You’ll see each other at your most vulnerable lows in sickness and grief, and you’ll celebrate the wonderful high points of life. What kind of person do you want by your side through all that?

    > Thinking about an entire lifetime with him makes me disappointed

    Do not stay in a relationship out of fear you won’t find better. Do not stay because you’ve spent 6 years with him. You are in the very beginning of adulthood and are wrapping up a stage in life where who you are shifts and begins to solidify. Hell, when I was younger I thought I’d be married by now, my ex and I even talked about a timeline for getting engaged. But I’m not even in a serious relationship and I’m turning 26 soon. It’s alright. You learn a lot from relationships that don’t work out. But you have to make a decision.

18. Better to break up now than go through your whole life feeling miserable. You don’t owe him anything regarding what he spent on you. He spent it because he wanted to. You also spent a lot on him – your time, your years. If you’re feeling like this now and go through with the relationship, imagine how you feel like when you have kids – which further complicates the situation.

    Be strong.

    Once trust breaks, you can glue it back together but it will never be the same, like crystal or glass. The breakage will always be there, like the doubt or bad feeling you have.

    You still have many years ahead to find someone who will make you feel like a princess. You just need to be brave and take the risk, if you want it.

19. You see, the past should have stayed in the past, but your fiance is still reliving those experiences with his ex’s by sharing with his friends now. He’s following them on social media while keeping them in your close network whereupon it is easy access to them.

    He lies to you repeatedly even after prompting him. Why would you think he won’t cheat on you or hasn’t already?

20. I was in a similar relationship. Not knowing anything bit me in the ass eventually, so if you’re having doubts, personally I would say listen to it.

21. OP, some of these comments are so cruel. First of all, you were young and immature when you entered a relationship with him. He sounds like a creepy older guy looking for a younger girl to control. Two, he lied. TWICE. That is a pattern. If he had nothing to hide, why would he lie to you? Last, of course he does not owe you a full run down of his sexual history. HOWEVER; when it comes to people he has been sexually active with and is still in contact with, that is a different story and that fact he lied about this is such a huge red flag. Please, leave this unhappy situation before you are legally tied down to this man. I promise you can find an age appropriate, amazing dude who doesn’t lie and treats you with the upmost respect. You got this OP!

22. You’ve been with this dude since barely legal, he lied about previous sexual partners, you’ve had and are having doubts and have a rocky relationship, and you want to end the relationship but don’t out of guilt and naive optimism.

    Why do you want to stay together?

23. If you want to break up with him break up with him. It’s ridiculous you would waste both your times if you aren’t into it anymore for whatever reason and waiting around to decide this or that is a good enough reason is how toxic relationships become a prison and how abusive relationships can develop in my anecdotal experience.

    If this isn’t the reason, how long until you decide something else is good enough to be the reason and what happens when he convinces you differently, you come back, and then the power dynamic shifts? How about when he plays the I would never leave you (implied: for something like that) card and then you stay even though you KNOW this guy isn’t a safe person for you?

    “I’ve been acting normal” means I know this isn’t normal and I’m pretending it is, or at least that’s how I took it when I read it.

    “I want to break up with him” means you know it’s not a safe or healthy dynamic for whatever reason, again that’s how it reads to me.

    “He’s a good guy” isn’t a reason to stay or go. He’s a guy and you’ve seen mixed results about how good he is. He’s human and people can and often are both good people and not people who you’re compatible with.

    And also it’s probably worth examining what YOU look like and are comfortable with in a relationship.

24. You want to punish yourself for the rest of your life because of a decision you made when you were 18? If he wanted to be with a woman with a stable financial situation, he should have dated someone his age. But he chose you. There is a reason why you can’t bring yourself to leave despite being unhappy (some doubt is normal, but every year of “this time it has to get better or end”?) Feeling guilty for how much money someone spent on you is a terrible reason to stay.

25. Dude is dropping 🚩🚩🚩 everywhere. Do not stay with this man.

26. Leave him. Quit coming up with reasons to stay. He lied outright to you. That’s not a solid relationship.

27. Admit it, you went through his phone to find more than what you did to break up with him over. If you want out, just do it. Don’t invade the man’s privacy to get what you want and feel more righteous about it.

28. This isn’t an overreaction. He lied to you and he obviously thinks there is nothing wrong with it. It’s hard to trust someone who lies. Moving forward you will probably always question if he’s lying or being honest with you and that’s not healthy. I would part ways with him. You need someone who is going to be honest and up front with you on everything.

29. He lied to you. You looked through his phone. Things are subpar according to you. What relationship are you talking about? You’ve already checked out. Just make it official.

30. I would like to point out that you are getting married pretty damn young! This may be your chance to cut your losses and date other people. You said this is your first and only relationship? I think you should definitely see what’s out there

31. He is clearly showing you honey who he is and this is what you will put up with in marriage. If he can’t be open and honest about the past that is a red flag because what’s to hide about the past unless something inappropriate is going on in the present. Stripes on a Zebra never really change at this age. So what else is he casually lying about? It is up to you to move forward or not with this man. Trust builds a strong foundation in a relationship without it the stability is weak and it will fall over eventually. You feel guilty for looking through his phone but this is what a lack of trust creates. Do you want to commit to a lifetime of this? Liars at this age are generally locked into that trait. There are other way better options out there who can and will treat you properly. You must be selective in who you choose and allow to stay in your life that you value. If you don’t value your life to a high degree neither will your partner.

32. So you snooped through his shit, found out things that he did BEFORE he started dating you, and you’re the one upset? I think you need to break things off, get some therapy, and maybe stop snooping through people’s shit.

33. OP, you aren’t crazy. You aren’t a bad person. Your partner lied to you at LEAST twice. He lied right to your face and the first time, he only apologized because he got caught.

    He was an adult man when you just turned 18 and he chose you instead of a woman who was his peer. You said he slept with your friend (also 18) ‘in the past’. How far in the past? Before she was 18?

    Your fiancé is a capital C CREEP, and a liar. He likes much younger girls that he can take advantage of. You’ve only put up with him all these years because he took advantage of your naivety and lack of relationship experience. An equal adult would have likely dumped his ass for lying and being such a mediocre partner.

    You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve so much better than this. I promise you, you will easily find a happier relationship when you’re single again. Don’t waste even another week of your youth on this guy. Please choose yourself and break things off.

34. Sounds like he’s hiding a lot more worse things than he’s telling you. Why would he get mad? Makes me suspicious.

35. He’s not innocent but you clearly have trust issues and the divide is only going to grow. It reads like you are just looking for an excuse to break up. Especially if you are at the point of writing a Reddit post.

36. I kinda know how you feel because I’m going threw something that’s making me question my 7year relationship… I think in your situation sit down and have a talk with him. Tell him you need honesty and if your going to marry him you need to know more about his life. You love him and I’m sure you’d like to know what made him the way he is and how his life came to be before he meat you. I had this conversation with my boyfriend very early on and I truly feel he was honest with me about it. If he decides to tell you some stuff then you can either do some digging to find out if it’s true or trust it’s the truth. If it were me if give it a few weeks if he were honest then go threw his phone again see if he lied to you about anything recent. If you wanna dm me about it and chat about it that’s OK. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to when things like this happens and someone to vent to

37. The issue isn’t that he slept with them its that he lied about it. If he lies about this I can’t imagine how many other lies he tells. If he can’t be honest with you what kind of relationship is it? Do you want to spend your life wondering if the things he tells you are lies or not? I wouldn’t want to live like that.

38. The issue isn’t that he slept with them its that he lied about it. If he lies about this I can’t imagine how many other lies he tells. If he can’t be honest with you what kind of relationship is it? Do you want to spend your life wondering if the things he tells you are lies or not? I wouldn’t want to live like that.

39. What happened before you got together doesn’t matter. What he’s doing in the last couple of months DOES. Why bother asking when you know he’s going to deny, and how can you expect him to stop when he hasn’t before?

    You need to call off this wedding and get rid of the deadbeat. When he asks why, tell him, “(Name) on X date.” Let him figure it out. (He’ll know but will play dumb and deny.”’

40. You should break up with him. You don’t trust him. You are effectively keeping from him the fact that you’ve violated his privacy and dug into his personal life predating your relationship. He shouldn’t trust you. There’s literally no trust on either side. Staying together would be foolish.

41. I think he told a couple of white lies because he didn’t want you to get upset about his dating past before you guys met. Your trust in him is broken though and you even went through his phone. You’ll always be suspicious of him. I think couple’s therapy would benefit you both to rebuild that trust.

42. you answered your own question. a future with him makes you disappointed, you know in your heart he’s not your person but he’s a safe choice. so its the age old question of do you want to be happy and take the risk of actually finding your person or are you ok settling with him for safety? its a personal decision but imo, youve been wanting to end it from the beginning and the comfort/security has kept you with him. who’s to stay if you stick with him, you wont turn around in ten years and feel even more regret because you’ve wasted even more of your youth/life

43. Hi. I think you should tell him that you found out he had a relationship with xxxx after you specifically asked him, and he lied to you twice. Don’t tell him how you found out, as he will just deflect everything to that point. Tell him that not being honest and lying about past relationships/partners makes you uncomfortable. You feel it’s not a good foundation for a relationship. You want a relationship that is transparent and open, and he prefers a more closed relationship. You don’t think that in the long run, the two of you are compatible. You have been thinking about the fact that he has lied to you twice, and you feel it’s better if the relationship ends.

    Maybe this will be an eye-opening experience for him to tell the truth in his next relationship.

    Move on and be happy with someone who doesn’t seem to have so much to hide.

    Good luck. Keep us posted.

44. >This is something that’s always slightly bothered me but I’ve always tried to let it go and not pry further since **he has gotten angry around his topic.**

    This is a red flag to me, but I think we need more info. Past relationships (like details about their sex life/intimacy), or past life in general? If you can’t talk with your partner about their life before you, that’s a HUGE problem.

    >Now that I’ve learned that he was lying about that I just feel so betrayed all over again.

    You should be angry. It’s completely justifiable. There are healthy ways to talk about exes, and there’s also health ways to keep that topic in firmly neutral waters. You asked a simple question, and he lied both times.

    Why would he lie about who he dated unless he has something to hide?

    > I feel like a gold digger for wanting to leave after he has spent so much money on me while I’ve been in college and grad school after I finally start my high paying job.

    That was his decision while you were/are in a relationship. You said it yourself, you’ve tried to make it work. It doesn’t matter what he or anyone else will think – that’s not what happened and it shouldn’t amount to the price of a lifetime of unhappiness with this guy.

    >Also sunken cost fallacy since he is my first relationship and I’ve spent essentially my entire adult life with him.

    So far. It’s been your entire adult life with him **so far.** That doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of a lifetime.

    >Each year passes and I just think “this is the year it gets better or it ends” but things stay the same. Not great but not necessarily terrible.

    So… it sounds like this ex thing is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s other problems in your relationship that you’re trying to justify here, and it’s not working.

    >It’s been 6 years of trying and sometimes I just don’t know.

    If you still don’t know after six years, there’s your answer. This is just a snapshot of what your marriage will be like with him.

    >Thinking about an entire lifetime with him makes me disappointed

    Then why do it?

    Would you rather look back in your 40’s and be thankful that you learned what you wanted in a partner and found someone else, or regret wasting your younger years on him?

    I’m telling you, from reading this post I’m just seeing a loveless marriage ahead of you. It honestly sounds like there’s nothing here for you.

    You don’t need any reason to justify leaving a relationship except for, “I’m not happy.”

45. I wouldn’t be concerned about his past relationships before you but absolutely would be concerned about the lying. Outright lying and omission are rocky foundations for a relationship.