How to manage girlfriend and ex-wife at my mother’s funeral

I am separated, and was with my previous partner for 22 years, in which time she got to know my family. Two years ago we separated (divorce is finalised in the spring) and one year ago I met someone who I have become very close to – I see my future with her and we talk about it. It’s lovely.

My mum died very recently, and the funeral is this Friday. My ex and my gf have never met, though of course are aware of each other. My kids and my gf’s kids also like to hang out. I’m worried about there being awkwardness at the funeral. My ex is saying it is difficult for her, my gf is saying I’ll do whatever you need to make the day about your mum, including staying away.

I want my gf there to support me, and it is right that my ex is there as she knew my mum for 20 years. Essentially am feeling a bit guilt tripped by my ex saying that it is difficult/awkward for her, because I feel that she should understand that the day is about remembering and saying goodbye to my mum and not about any other dynamic. Like she said today, how long has your gf known your mum, I knew her for 20 years? She (ex) feels her emotions very very keenly, and even though the separation was at her instigation (and the right thing to do), clearly hasn’t made her peace with it. She says that we should go tot he funeral just “as a family” i.e. as if separation hadn’t happened, which ignores my needs. Now shes says she will come to the service, but not stay for the wake as it will be “awkward for everyone”.

ANy advice or observations?