I (F27) have been dating this guy (29) for a few months. He recently opened up to me and told me his mom has borderline personality disorder and that has affected his romantic relationships in the past, as in needing a ton of verbal affirmation. I’ve been doing my very best to make him know how much I like him.

But last night, he was teasing me and took it a little too far. I got annoyed with him and told him it wasn’t cool. And his response was “sorry I shouldn’t be testing how much you like me”

I felt really uncomfortable with this, because tests and games are not attractive in my book.

Has anyone experienced this type of behavior? Any other red flags I might want to look out for moving forward?

30 comments

  2. Yeah it kinda reminds of my experience dating someone with NPD. Nothing is ever their fault. Someone else or some outside force is the reason why they do shitty things and they constantly test and manipulate and get angry if you don’t give the the validation they need even though they won’t give you much of any.

    Tread carefully. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong it probably is.

  4. Look for green flags. If those aren’t obvious I’d encourage you to drop the relationship. It already sounds like it could be quite toxic. “how much of what can I inflict before I receive backlash?”
    That is a major red flag in my book.

  5. To me, that sounds like he was apologising for behaviour he recognised was inappropriate, which is a green flag. But I don’t know how he said it

  7. Big red flag. He’ll also likely be testing in ways to manipulate or control later on.

  11. If he knows he has BPD and testing the limits of affection is one of the ways it negatively manifests in relationships, then at least he is aware of it? Better than not admitting it or just not understanding how it’s impacting his life and the lives of those he cares about. I hope he is getting help for it instead of trying to manage his trauma responses solo.

  12. I’m not sure I could stay attracted to someone with such low self-esteem that they need constant affirmation. He needs a therapist not a GF tbh

  15. I dated a woman with BPD for 6 years. It wasn’t fun at all outside of the bedroom. Not saying he has it, but it’s familiar

  16. Ok, so does he himself have BPD or is it just his mom that has it? And has he done this kind of thing before? All the comments I’m seeing are saying to immediately dump him even though this might have just been a one off situation, and why are we acting like him having BPD is his fault? Can’t blame someone for having something that they never asked for.

  19. I’d have a big ass talk because that’s not we’re doing here , gott tell people bs won’t be tolerated. That’s disrespectful

  20. My mom has symptoms of BPD but refuses to get tested for anything because she doesn’t think mental illness is real. Having a parent like that will definitely fuck up your trust and reality but it’s not something that should be put onto a potential love interest. Personally I had to work through my issues with my mom before I was able to date because I had major trust issues.

    He may need some time to heal before he should be involving another person in his life.

  23. Think less about red flags and more about open discussion and to love him. As long as he is open to change, he can have a thousand red flags and you should still be there for him and work through it if you love him. That is, if you love him.

    We have a disgusting culture where we reject people because they have issues. Everybody has issues. We should always love eachother, but some people still dont soften up or open up, and then id say its fair to leave the relationship. I wish people sacrificed more.

    My girlfriend has CPTSD, and we’ve had to fight through very extreme problems almost every day for a long time. But she has a strong growth mindset, which is one of many reasons i love her. We cant love blindly, but maybe there isnt true love in the first place to our relationship? And that being why theres no will to fight? We gotta consider it.

    You can look for red flags, thats fine. But i think you should handle red flags as a chance to help, fix, heal and not find reasons to leave. We do need to fight for love and sacrifice for one another, thats the beauty of it.

  24. You made it clear his teasing went to far and he was quick to apologize for his behavior so if he truly is sorry for what he did then he will avoid making the same mistake again but if it continues then I’d say that’s a pretty big red flag and you’d do yourself a huge favor by dropping his ass.

  27. Tell him it’s ironic because he just failed spectacularly in your eyes and then cut him off.

  29. Any kind of testing is inappropriate. He needs therapy for the impact his mom’s disorder had on him. He doesn’t get to project things on to you.

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