my fiancé and i have been together for five years, and friends for eight. we live together in a studio apartment, but keep mostly separate finances, and have been engaged for only a few months.
i woke up at 3am to find him sexting a close friend of his, who he’d gone out to dinner with earlier that night. i looked confronted him and looked through his texts a little, but it was pretty upsetting so i didn’t go much farther back than messages from the past couple of days. he swears it’s only been going on for a couple of weeks and that nothing physical has happened, but obviously i know now that he isn’t trustworthy so who knows.
as anyone would be, i’m entirely devastated. we were planning a wedding (though haven’t put any money down on it yet, thank god) and a whole life together. he threw all of that away for a couple of spicy texts. i feel so naive and foolish for trusting him. i really thought he was something special! guess not.
i can’t make heads or tails of this situation, and i don’t feel like i can turn to anyone in my life because it will be too mortifying if anyone knew that he did this and i stayed with him. my logic brain is telling me that i need to return the ring and start making a game plan to move out. my feelings brain is telling me that this is my best friend, my life partner, the father i chose for my future children — doesn’t he deserve a second chance?
anyways, i know this is a decision that i have to make for myself, but i don’t want to make it too rashly because it is a BIG decision and i’m feeling extremely emotional right now. i want to weigh both options carefully. i know exactly what i will be sacrificing and generally what to expect if i leave. what i don’t know is how to go about forgiving and rebuilding trust while still protecting my heart if i choose to stay. and what’s the endgame? is it possible for things to ever go back to the way they were? if yes, what are some steps i/we can take to get there?
i’m so hurt and lost. i’d really appreciate any perspective or guidance on this.
18 comments
I understand why your emotional side doesn’t want to give up. But remember, your emotional side will also still be there if you stay. Wondering if he’s being honest. Wondering if he told you the truth. Wondering if when you’re in a fight he turns to someone else for attention and comfort. If you stay, you might also be subconsciously showing him you won’t leave when he does these things.
My recommendation would be to call off the wedding. Move out. Then think it over. Spend time apart and really think if you can trust him again. Call it a “figuring out phase” if you want. See if he is working hard to rebuild your trust and foundation with you – or does he use it to be with other people? I think it will show you what you will need to know. Reddit will always say leave him – and honestly, in cheating situations it’s usually the appropriate response. It can be overcome – but with a lot of work and effort on both parties sides. You have to be willing to do that and him too.
Do you know what you will be sacrificing if you stay? Your mental health, your sanity, your self respect and your heart.
How are you going to trust him when you have a kid, overweight, leaking boobs and getting no sleep.
When he would cheat now when everything is easy and prefect and no stress from raising a family do you not think he will cheat when you are at your lowest and can’t leave because you just had his baby.
Forgive him and stay at your own peril. This relationship no longer has a solid foundation, or it never had one to start off with. Deep down inside you know what’s right.
If your financially stable , then you should move out but don’t cut off your ties (if you still have the chance of forgiving him ).
Make him build up the trust again. Make his chats available to you and make him spend more time with you. If he makes excuses then cut him off . It might be manipulative but it’s his fault that you don’t trust him anymore . 8 years is a pretty long time . Ask him why does he have to look for other peoples company beside yours. If he says like he’s just bored or some bs then that’s his fault and that would be your decision to stay or go.
But also your only 26. As you grow older , your preference of what an ideal partner will change . You might find your fiancé the best guy ever but thats your 21 year old self perspective.
Reddit is quick to jump to the nuclear option, and that is a very possible option. But there are a lot of couples who can come back from this. I’m no expert but some things that need to happen…. Is this the whole truth? Is he trickle truthing based on the little bit you saw? His friendship with this person has to be over and no more contact right now. Consider wedding plans off for now. I guess the best way to look at it is your relationship just died. You would be building a new one starting now and it takes a long time for relationships to blossom. If he resists any of your steps or conditions, especially no contact with this friend, you have your answer. I’m sorry 💔💔
Emotions are there for a reason. Don’t ignore them. Don’t replace them with thoughts. Emotions are always right. You know what to do. Stop thinking and do it.
Btw: 8 years is only a lifetime for an eight year old.
You deserve to be happy. This man wont give you that. Let him go.
Do you really want this guy as the father for your future children? As a teenager I accidentally found out my dad was sexting other women. A shit storm ensued after that for years.
Don’t give your children a trash father. I’m more inclined to believe the main reason you’re staying isn’t love, but just being so used to having this guy in your life for the past 8 years. It’s extremely hard to break a habit or imagine losing something or someone that’s been a huge part in your life for so long.
But you have to put yourself first. If he does this while you JUST got engaged, imagine what he’ll do once you’re married.
Up to you in the end. Sunk cost fallacy? Likely. Will he cheat on you again? Likely. I dont believe in the once a cheater always one.
Dude is already fucking up NOW. Who knows what he did before?
I’m sure you’re hurt. But in the end if you stay you are almost 100% sure to be hurt again and likely worse. It’s scary. And if you gave a way to leave. You should.
Other option is to forgive his sexting. Hope he is one of the few that doesn’t continue cheating for whatever reason and live with that in your head. Likely wanna control his phone know where he is due to his actions of making you feel this way, which he will likely turn back around to you.
So I’d say leave. You’re young and have life ahead of you. It’ll be difficult. And the thoughts that you love him will creep. But just try your best. And truly believe in you and what you’re worth.
The weekly partner cheated on me with his/her friend post.
Sorry this is so rampant that these are always being posted. The foundation of relationships are built on trust. Can you ever trust him? I am willing to be this was not his first rodeo with this friend or others, just his first time getting caught. Shame on his friend too entertaining that while knowing you two are an item.
He sounds like a motherfucker
Definitely should return the ring and make plans to leave if he’s unfaithful now he will be in the future as well and possibly in the past you’ve got to take into account your mental health and would you ever trust him again? Maybe try to talk to him about the feelings and what he wants in life but don’t let him get away with “you” as an answer the only way this works is with therapy for whatever issues he has that he feels it’s important to go to somebody else for you deserve better imo
If I were you, you’d need to do a bit of both.
You take the ring off, go back to boyf/girlf and you move out. You then put him on probation.
This is where you give it a few months and in that time you work together at your relationship.
Any time you feel iffy or get any gut feelings then you reevaluate your relationship or cut it off completely.
Don’t be a walk over. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical.
The trust has broken and he needs to be doing everything in his power to build that back up again. If there’s excuses or he can’t be bothered then you know exactly what to do.
IMO, you shouldn’t stay with him.
You should also confront the person being that you know her just to get confirmation that it never went past sexting if you want stay with him I mean.
He needs to cut contact with her, block and delete her everywhere, you do it too, she needs to be out your lives completely. She crossed boundaries that disrespected you and your relationships, there’s no coming back from that.
But honestly you don’t want to start a marriage or family like that. You’re planning a wedding and he’s messing with someone in your friend group. He’s already ruining relationships and friendships before you even tied the knot.
You deserve better. Leave him and let the friendly home wrecker have him.
He knows what he was doing. If you weren’t there like if you were out of town or something, I guarantee they would’ve slept together. I mean who knows maybe they already had before he came home from the dinner they had. It’s obvious you can’t trust him. Can you really move past that and still stay with him knowing he went behind your back and cheated? That’s not the type of person you want to spend your life with or have kids with.
You don’t have to make any quick decisions right now (except call off the wedding.) Take whatever time and space you need. He can sit in limbo for a while until you have an idea if you want to end it or try reconciliation.
I highly recommend getting the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and reading it with him if you have any thought of offering a chance at reconciliation.
He should also be showing you through his actions that he means what he says. He should get into counseling to figure out why he’s talking to others when you’re making wedding plans. The friend needs cutting off yesterday.
Two subs that could be useful:
r/survivinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. The first leans toward ending it and the second supports reconciliation. Great people giving lived advice in both subs.
I’m sorry you are going through this!
Let me start off my saying, your relationship will not be the same as before, if you decide to stay. He decimated what you had. You need to decide if you want to start over with him or not.
You also need to decide if you can ever trust this man again. If you take him back, will you be able to forgive him? Not worry when he goes out without you. Not worrying about who he’s texting or talking. Not worry that he’s cheating.
Also, is he willing to cut this friend out or will you have to endure her presence in the future?
You can come back from infidelity. It changes everything but there are ways. He needs to 100% cut ties with her, give you full access to his phone when you ask, put off any wedding planning until after you and him have tried therapy. His cheating is a sign that your relationship wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows. People usually cheat for a reason, the #1 being that they’re unhappy with something. Not that’s an excuse, but it’s a sign there is something else going on in your relationship you might be unaware of or oblivious to.