Boyfriend (29M) has just recently brought up the desire to have an ethical non monogamous relationship to me (25F). I’m completely taken off guard and really don’t know what to think.
We’ve been together almost 3 years, our anniversary is this month actually, and we’ve been living together for a few months now. We have our ups and downs and issues, but all in all we always work things out, and we always have. I like to think even with everything we’re still a strong couple, or at least I thought we were.
He brought it up late last night, right as I was planning on going to bed. We had been playing video games all night and he apparently hadnt wanted to ruin a good night. He asked me how much I knew about polyamory, he knows I had a complicated relationship with someone who was but I had actually never practiced it. He told me he’s been thinking about it since early this year, and he’s been researching it a lot in that time.
The last time we talked about anything like this was when we had the exclusivity talk, and I had told him about said complicated relationship with someone but had ended it to be with him. He had said back then that he probably wouldn’t ever be able to do anything other than monogamy, which is a reason it shocked me that he’s bringing this up now.
I’ve had a lot of friends interested in me, my boyfriend knows this but frankly I’m not interested in any of them. I’ve confided in my boyfriend awhile ago that I had a small crush on a friend, but that it was only a crush and it was never going to be worth ruining my relationship. He told me he thought I might want to date some of my friends, which I didn’t know he thought that when I’ve been so adamant I just want to date him, or at least I thought I was.
Romance is so difficult for me. I didn’t even plan on our relationship going this far or lasting this long, and the only reason it has is because it’s him and I want it to work. He’s my best friend, he’s patient with me, he calms me down just by being near me and makes me happy so effortlessly. I genuinely don’t know how I would find someone else that I could build a relationship with.
He told me a big reason for this decision is because we have wildly different plans for the future. He wants a family eventually, (something i didn’t realize until recently, and its always been a probably later thing) and I dont. He also wants to move to a different region of the country than me. I suppose this means he wants a family with another girl while still being able to be with me, I’m really not sure.
I’m sorry I’m sure this is a mess to read. I’m just still in shock honestly, I’m still surprised he’s asked this and I don’t know where to go from here. I dont want another partner, and I honestly feel heartbroken that he might.
7 comments
Welcome to the new Zeitgeist – polyamory. It’s probably something that seems exciting to him, until you decide you’d rather spend more time with another guy.
The reasons he’s giving you are inconsistent, and you might point this out. If he has wildly different desires for the future than you or wildly different timelines than you, then polyamory won’t solve those issues. Those are breakup issues, not “I have a strong interest in multiple concurrent partners” issues.
It sounds like you are not compatible and that the relationship is effectively coming to a close as the compatibilities can’t be ignored any more. He wants a family and polyamory and it sounds like you don’t/are extremely hesitant about both. Don’t put aside your wants and boundaries just to please him.
Look at him and tell him. “you are ok with me hooking up with a different guy every day? Cuz I am a girl and can do that? You sure you want to go down this road? You want to let other men date me and potentially I fall for them and leave you? Getting your dick wet is worth that?”
Hi, OP….. I read through your post a couple of times and there are quite a few things you need to start warming-up to.
1. Alternative Lifestyles are NOT something you “try to see what it is like”. Curiousity is certainly a motive for poking around at a discovered Xmas package found hidden in a closet. It is NOT something you do with a trusting partner in conjunction with under-informed social awareness and unrestrained libido.
2.) People who find themselves in an alternative lifestyle commonly arrive there over time….perhaps monthes but more commonly years. During this period they develop bonds with others…..usually very closely held partnerships….and begin to grow the acceptance, trust, respect, safety, confidentiality and tolerance necessary for this manner of living. I read NONE of this in your post and IMVVHO I believe that puts you at risk emotional and physically.
3.) In alternative lifestyles there is Zero tolerance for coercing, bullying, shaming, blaming or intimidation to cause participation and support. In fact the prevalence of these qualities will reveal to you just how few authentic members of a given alternate lifestyle there are. Many more curious and “dabblers”.
4.) Reading back over your post there are four or five conditional statements or observations you make and this is enough for me to advise that you are letting your emotions interfere with your intuition. IMHO Your partner is attempting to write a relationship “check” that both you and he are not really prepared to cash.
A word to the wise.
Don’t do it.
FWIW
I think he might be interested in sleeping with someone else. I don’t think the plan to have a family applies here.
He wants to sleep around but don’t want to loose you or if you’re not willing it’s time to split because he has eyes on others.
If he is serious about this then break up today. To bring another into your relationship without your consent is a disaster in the making.
You are not compatible. I would break up and find a better fit.