I work full time and my girlfriend is studying in college. We met in college; I studied the same thing she is studying now (computer science). We have been together for three years, and live together. We currently live on her mother’s house (I help with some money and with some chores). I would rent an apartment but I want to live my gf. However, my gf does not want to move out until she has finished college.
The thing is, my gf is having a lot of problems with college:
1. She leaves everything for the last moment
2. Sometimes she skips lectures (even virtual lectures)
3. She only studies a day o two before her tests
4. When she is working on a project, she gets too stressed and then doesn’t want work. I have advised her to make a “to do list” and focus on one thing at the time, but she ignores this advice.
Whenever something goes wrong, she gets sad, frustrated and doesn’t want to do anything. Sometimes this “not doing anything” means delaying other tasks she has to do, or being sad for the rest of the day. When she gets in this mood, I feel like I have to console her and I try do so. However, I also get stressed because most of my time is spent working, consoling her, or doing both of those things. Sometimes this goes on for multiple days and I end up being very tired. Furthermore, since she is so frequently sad/stressed, I feel like I never have time to be sad/stressed. Also, it is frustrating for me to help her so much with her college work (I don’t do her homework but I am constantly answering her questions or explaining topics to her) and then watch how she fails the courses. Her mother also gets frustrated because she pays for her tuition and does not help a lot with the house.
I have talked with her about this, but nothing has changed. She has said that maybe she has executive dysfunction. I don’t know enough about that topic, but I have advised her to bring it up when she is talking to her therapist. She hasn’t done so yet, even though she has talked to her therapist since that. Even if she has executive dysfunction, what can I do to change this situation? I feel like I can’t held her accountable because of her depression/executive dysfunction, etc…
TLDR: I love my girlfriend very much but she is very irresponsible in ways that sometimes affect others.
4 comments
>>me to help her so much with her college work (I don’t do her homework but I am constantly answering her questions or explaining topics to her
Stop doing that, OP
Sounds like she has ADHD.
There’s nothing you can do. You just have to back off and do for yourself. You’ve done what you can.
Tell her that this is too much and ask her to talk with her therapist about this in her next session.
Just before she goes to therapy, remind her about it. And you really gotta stress it.
After she is out, ask her what her therapist told her. If she “forgot”, next time she goes to therapy do likewise for two times more.
Then keep us updated.
I think that in the case that she is not interested in improving this aspect of her, well, just move on.
You are her bf not her dad.
Definitely sounds like ADHD, but if she’s going to function in this world, she needs to learn to cope. Having others hold her hands all the time is only going to make this worse and make her more reliant on you and others to the point of not being able to function without you (which sounds like is dangerously close to happening already).
At this point, all you can do is help her by letting her fail. These things are things she has to learn on her own. You’ve already given her lots of great advice on how to manage like to-do lists etc. Now it’s time to let her either use those and succeed or don’t and fail.
If she has ADHD/executive dysfunction, she needs to learn how to cope with those or get on meds instead of just using them as excuses to skirt her responsibilities.
Wish you the best