Background: We have been together for a little under five years, married for less than 6 months. Things have been rough for about half the time we’ve been married. Lots of outside chaos (things we cannot control) has impacted our relationship in a negative way. Hence the post.
Catalyst: We were a few weeks past a major fight with talks of separation. That fight ended with us deciding on counseling, it was scheduled, but have not had the first session. We had another argument, it was resolved but stirred something up in me that felt like foreshadowing. She followed up later that day to see why I still felt unsteady and I shared concerns regarding the future of our relationship. Unfortunately, she received it as me “not having faith in us” which is not or was not my feeling. We argued more after that, things got heated, and I told her to fuck off. She asked for a divorce the next day.
I do not want to give up on our marriage. I was fully in the wrong and I know that. I own that. Discussing the future of our relationship puts us both in a vulnerable place. She is very sensitive and shuts down when hurt. I am sensitive and lash out when hurt, which I know is not okay. Telling her to fuck off broke her heart, cause me to lose her trust, and now she is done. Those of you who have been here before, gotten divorced, or wish they had not, is it salvageable?
She said she is done and does not want to save our marriage. She looked into divorce already and wants me to leave. I am trying to figure out if this is hurt talking or if she is really done. I’m such an idiot for saying that and treating her with such disrespect. I know I should have done better. If I could turn back time, I would just walk away and say nothing. I want the chance to prove that I cherish and value her, her feelings, and her heart. I want to earn the trust back that I lost. She does not think I am treating this relationship different than any other in the past but I have. She has, too. I am so in love with her and am so disappointed in myself for causing her so much pain.
I did apologize but she was not listening. It was very cold. The damage was done. I know this moment is not about me and I know that. I just want to know if we reached the point of no return or there’s a life vest to save us.
TL;DR: Married less than 6 months. Currently in a rough patch. Had a fight, it escalated, and I spoke without thinking telling her to fuck off. She asked for a divorce the next day and is cold. How can I save us?
ETA: I am in the wrong. I am at fault. I am the bad person, not her. She is amazing. I want to right my wrong.
4 comments
You could ask for couples therapy and individual therapy for yourself while you go through the divorce process but it is all up to her. If she wants to divorce there is nothing you can do but be supportive and ask what she needs to make her life easier during this process.
Were there issues before marriage? It seems odd to me to be married less than 6 months and suddenly all these issues pop up. Looking for some clarity on what’s been going on.
Let her go
You may not be able to right this.
It seems like you think this is done out of the blue, irrational overreaction on her part. I would bet good money that she’s been struggling for much longer than you think she has and that you’ve hurt her a lot more and for much longer than you believe. But even if it was, she was trying to pursue repair of the relationship and understand your perspective and you told her to fuck off. I’d walk too.
It’s good that you realize you were wrong, but she’s not obliged to accept your apology or your promises of improvement.
Pretty much all you can do now is tell her you accept her decision, you’re devastated by it but you understand her reasons, and that you will continue to work on yourself and being a better person regardless. You hope she might change her mind but you will understand if she doesn’t.
It’s never fun to be held accountable, but you can allow it to be a turning point for the better in your life if you choose to learn from it.