My mom and I haven’t had a good relationship for years. I’ve been extremely depressed since I was 14 and she has never taken it seriously. I finally moved out of state 450 miles away at the end of last year to get away from my family, most of whom are extremely toxic and made me absolutely miserable. My grandfather died a few months after I moved and I didn’t go to the funeral because I wasn’t ready to see everyone. I’m still not ready, especially when it comes to being around my mom, but she is now in heart failure and apparently has severe diabetes and might lose her foot but she won’t listen to me and get a second opinion. Regardless, now she’s demanding I start making plans to go back “if something happens,” to use her words. As in she wants me to take care of her if it does get amputated.
I’m finally about to start therapy once my insurance changes, but I’m barely keeping things together now without being around her. I’m on shaky ground at work so I don’t think they would take kindly to me working fully remote for any extended period of time. I flat out can’t afford to even get back to my hometown because money is so tight now.
For a bit of background, she has never taken my depression seriously. She called me delusional when I went to her with problems and she still refuses to offer any advice when I need it. When I had a hernia repaired in high school, she would pull me out of bed in the morning and helped me shower the first time but wouldn’t do anything else to help when I could barely move, and she and the rest of the family would try to make me laugh because it hurt and they found it funny. In college she nonchalantly told me “your father and I never wanted kids, even after we had one.” There’s a lot more but yeah.
I don’t know what to do. If she didn’t have my stuff and I wasn’t on her phone plan I would have gone no contact when I moved. I know I’ll feel guilty if I don’t see her and something happens, but I really can’t handle even the thought of being around her for a long time yet. I don’t know how to tell her either.
TL;DR: I have a terrible relationship with my mother and now she’s demanding I go back to my hometown to take care of her because she’s sick. I just got away from my toxic family last year after trying for nearly 10 years and I’m nowhere near ready or mentally able to handle being around any of them, especially not her.
7 comments
>If she didn’t have my stuff and I wasn’t on her phone plan I would have gone no contact when I moved.
Get off her phone plan. Then go home and get your stuff and put in in storage. Then do what you need to do for your life to be better.
Get a pay as you go phone. If you happen to run out of minutes or just be running too low, oops!
If you want to ease your conscience, look up and print out the information, and mail it to her: from the websites of your mother’s state and local senior centers, elder care offices, disability advocate office (they’ll help her get rides and occupational therapy etc if she does go through with an amputation). There are local resources available to her, but she has chosen to try to convince you that you’re her only hope. She’s wrong. You’re not.
What’s the stuff you have there and need? Can you go and get it or have a friend or relative get it, before mom’s health declines more and she therefore turns up the guilt tripping to 11?
The only way you gonna be free is if you actually no contact.
That means either collecting your stuff or leaving it. And getting off the phone plan. Change your number and don’t give it to any family member or family friend.
You’re 29 mate, no one is gonna hold your hand, you need to do it yourself.
Get a new cell phone plan and go no contact. Don’t even bother trying to port your number and do not give her the new one.
If she asks you to care for her again just say “I cannot do that. I have to go. Bye” and hang up.
Let her bluster and demand all she wants. She literally cannot force you to come care for her.
Reading all of your replies just confirms that you can’t do this. Not only do you not have the money or job security to do this, but do you even have the emotional ability to handle this? Caring for a disabled adult is Hell, but it’s a special sort of Hell when that person isn’t even someone you like in the first place. This situation will last maybe two weeks before she just totally breaks you down and you leave in tears, your life in an even worse state than before.
Hey, I think you know the answer: you can’t go take care of her. You need to figure out a way to get her completely out of your life. Phone plans aren’t that difficult and most places work with you to get on a plan that works for you. As far as your items she has… like other commenters have said, I’d either go the friends route or just count them as a loss, which I know isn’t great. But your mental health is likely to get worse the more you are in contact with her, and on the flip side it’ll likely get better once she’s totally out of your life.
Stuff is just stuff. It sucks losing it but retaining your own sanity is worth more than any item. I went no contact with my bio dad and it was essentially the same. He had all my pictures from growing up through high school including those with my dead aunt im named after as well as some collectibles and books I’d like to have had. I was also on his phone plan. He used that regularly to threaten me. I got my own phone and went no contact. I didn’t even tell him. He paid for a few months and then told me I had to pay the balance after he went delinquent or he was shutting it off. I’d already moved phone lines and the old phone was in his name and impacted his credit so all he did was end up with a bill in collections because he was stubborn. I never answered and, years out, am I a little sad about the sentimental items I lost? Yes. But would I do it the same again? Also yes. My mental health and wellbeing will always be more important than stuff.