Hi, all. I feel too vulnerable talking to my friends about this, maybe even too prideful, and I’m not yet emotionally strong enough to talk about it with her. I’m not sure where to start this, so excuse me if I ramble, this isn’t easy.
A little backstory: I (27M) met my wife (27F) through the “people you may know” on facebook 8 years ago. She lived in another state and we just happened to have a mutual friend neither of us actually knew. Anyway, long story short, it was love at first sight. 2 Years later she moved here to be with me, we got married 4 years ago, and it’s been a storybook romance ever since. …that is until about 4 months ago.
We used to be inseparable. Soul mates in every sense of the word. We never had big fights, we took care of each other, we share the same opinions on literally everything from religion to raising kids to politics to music.
4 Months ago, we had a disagreement that turned into her getting upset and yelling that she despised being with me. It absolutely shattered me. I was speechless. Later on a day or so later, we sat together and calmly talked about it when she told me she’s not happy anymore; too many of my bad habits (which Ill expand on) have driven her to just not really like me anymore. She went on to tell me she still loves me in the sense of truly caring for me as a friend, but zero interest in any other fashion. This conversation ended with her telling me we can still be friends and continue our situation: sharing the same bed, living together as normal, splitting the bills, etc.
Those bad habits are things that I was aware of; things we had had serious discussion about before a handful of times; things I fully understand as problems: not cleaning the house, procrastinating everything she ever asked me to do, blowing my paycheck (after bills) and not having any savings, pretty much pigeonholing us into hardship. She said because of those things, she feels stuck, like she’s forced to give up the things we both agreed we want to do in the future like moving to another city and getting a better house, essentially that I’m throwing away our future because Ive been so cavalier with my finances and she doesnt want to leave completely because she knows I cant pay for this house myself.
She also said that a big factor of it is she has never been single a day in her life, going from relationship to relationship since she was 15, never having the chance to experience certain things and figure out who she is as a person. That may sound like a cop out, but ever since I’ve known her she’s struggled with identifying her style, her personality, her place in life. Again, things I totally understand.
Since that night, we don’t kiss, we don’t hug, we don’t say “I love you” (except for a few times here lately) and I barely see her anymore because she stays out until 5am. I literally havent spent more than 2 hours with her in about a month or so. She’s been hanging out with her new work friends, one in particular (20M) who coincidentally used to be my neighbor growing up. They apparently just sit and talk all night long, get fast good in the next town over, things her and I used to do.
I’m aware of my faults. I know I should have been better at those things. I know I should have kept my promises to her every time she told me she had had enough and Id promise whatever she asked to keep her around, only to give up a week later. The funny thing is, the week before all of this, I actually finally broke my habits. All of them. I started saving my money, paying off my debt, keeping up the housework on my own, but I guess it was too little too late.
For the first time in my life, I felt motivated. I felt good that I was able to get past my procrastination and do what she asked me. I thought we were untouchable, only to have it come crashing down on me. For months I was going strong. I was doing it for myself because I know I needed to. Slowly it turned into doing it for her, hoping she would notice I hadnt quit like before; hoping she would say, “Ok, one more chance,” but that never happened.
For the first time in my life, I feel depressed. I feel like I’m literally drowing in my thoughts. Twice today I’ve had to take a drive because I my anxiety of what I should do vs things I cant change made me claustrophobic.
On my way home from work, I thought about how if it didnt hurt, I wouldnt mind turning into traffic. I never want to feel that way again. Im not suicidal by any means, but in my mind, there’s no real life without her.
Now, I spend my time alone trying to find ways to distract myself from the scenarios I play out in my head of what Im going to say to her, how I’m going to win her back. I get ridiculously emotional over movies, tv shows, songs. Everything puts me on the verge of tears. I can talk to her just fine, but if I think about it, every time I look at her it makes me want to break down.
Which brings me to today: we have a clear shower curtain so it lets the light in, and she always kept the door open when she showered so A. the mirror wouldnt fog, and B. why not, we’re married
The past two times she’s showered, one being today, she shut the door. Everyone is entitled to privacy, Im ok with that, but its just strange considering this is the first time she ever has. I know this is borderline wrong but I let my thoughts get the best of me. I knew she had taken a box of cotton swabs in their with her so I acted like I needed some to see if she reacted strangely. Sure enough, she did. She had her phone with her in the shower and turned the screen away from me. She jumped when I walked in and covered herself a bit, and playfully said it was inappropriate.
I couldnt help myself from showing I was upset later on and she seemed genuinely concerned that I was, but I told her it was nothing. She knew I was lying, but I literally can’t bring myself to tell her. I almost cried just imagining telling her what I was thinking.
What I wanted to say to her was that I’m stupid.
I’m stupid for believing she wanted to be single.
I’m stupid for believing I could win her back.
I’m stupid for not being a better husband.
I’m stupid for letting the weird kid from next door treat her the way I should have.
I’m stupid for not realizing sooner I needed to stop prioritizing meaningless things over the love of my life.
I love this woman with every part of my being. She’s the air that I breathe and I can’t stand knowing I mean the same to her as the door greeter at Target.
What do I do? Is there hope for us?
TL;DR I’m an idiot and I’m letting my absolute goddess of a wife slip through my fingers.
14 comments
I believe you should think of it as: is there hope for you?
If you stick with the new improved you (better habits), you’ll become a better person (should your wife return, or, you find a replacement).
If there were to be talk of her returning, your wife would reasonably want to take over the finances and the two of you would need to agree on what would be a fair discretionary budget for you, as the household finances are certainly a large if not the largest issue at hand.
Taking everything you said into consideration, I think it’s really time to let her ago. Because it’s point, the relationship that you two have is no longer healthy. She’s already consuming your every being, which is not right anymore.
You need to start thinking about yourself. You need to start thinking about a life without hers. I know, it seems unimaginable at first, but YOU WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT HER.
But until you still live in the same house, until there’s a marriage contract still tying you to your spouse, it would really be difficult to move on.
So better end things now than watch things go much worse than it already is. I hope you find your true self along the way. May God bless you.
If you truly love her, let her go.
You’re still being selfish in that ‘she’s the air you breathe’ – it’s what you want, not her. You don’t want to lose her because you’ll experience heart break. It’s still you, you, you.
These are the consequences that you get when you don’t follow through or take things seriously when she flagged them to you.
>Those bad habits are things that I was aware of; things we had had serious discussion about before a handful of times; things I fully understand as problems: not cleaning the house, procrastinating everything she ever asked me to do, blowing my paycheck (after bills) and not having any savings, pretty much pigeonholing us into hardship. She said because of those things, she feels stuck, like she’s forced to give up the things we both agreed we want to do in the future like moving to another city and getting a better house, essentially that I’m throwing away our future because Ive been so cavalier with my finances and she doesnt want to leave completely because she knows I cant pay for this house myself.
She also said that a big factor of it is she has never been single a day in her life, going from relationship to relationship since she was 15, never having the chance to experience certain things and figure out who she is as a person. That may sound like a cop out, but ever since I’ve known her she’s struggled with identifying her style, her personality, her place in life. Again, things I totally understand.
These, sadly, are really relevant and important.
The fact you haven’t been able to plan for the future with her is a massive red flag for most women in long relationship. If she cant envision an amazing future with you….why stay together? If you dont change, whats the point of having optimism? As you’ve acknowledged, this is your problem and something you need to work on.
Honestly, I’ve been you. Literally when I was around 26-27, my long time SO left me basically for the same reasons. Mostly the money reason. I was just not into the adult life yet, and I lived as such. She wasnt having it anymore. We broke up, and it devastated me.
Until I realized that I was control over what happens. I could have been a better man for her. I could have planned for the future. But the reality is….I didn’t. And the reason isn’t very clear….but its probably true that I didnt put forth that effort because I wasn’t ready to be with her like that….and that age. Ultimately, I would have put in that effort if I truly wanted to be with her long term. But I didnt, and thats a big indicator.
Eventually, after basically a year of being single and having some intense life experiences (doing mushrooms), I managed to find some more perspective in life instead of dwelling on my ex.
All you can do is look internally and find ways to improve…while also looking at this situation as a positive. Things in life happen for a reason, you may as well embrace it.
Next time, you’ll have your shit together. Next time, you’ll plan better for the future.
I know it sucks, but it gets better. Stop driving when you’re stressed, its dangerous. Instead, go work out or go for a run or something. Get tired, get in shape…get your shit together. You’re gonna be alright man.
You learned a very valuable lesson,and it will be painful and cost you a lot. But if you let it, it will lead you to a better future. It is almost certainly too late for you and your wife. You ruined that, and it’s over now. You two need to split up as amicably as possible. And you need to take time to heal from that. Then, you can start dating again, and when you find a good relationship again, you will know that you have to actually prioritize the things you value in life if you want to keep them. Many, many of us learn how to have a good relationship by messing up a relationship with someone we love (and sometimes having them mess it up too as they are also learning). It’s hard and painful, but it can be part of a path to a good, happy life. I hope it will be for you.
You’re not letting her slip through your fingers, she already did. You repeatedly chose to not to work on the issues she brought up…and those aren’t petty issues. You seemingly felt entitled to unlimited chances and do-overs but you’re not. Stop being so self-centered and wallowing in how this makes you feel. Beating yourself up and telling yourself you were stupid serves no purpose. Let her go have the life she deserves that you weren’t able to give her. Learn from this and move on.
Your pain is very apparent and until you actually cut ties, you’ll never move on. And the bad new is, it’s going to hurt even more when you actually do get to leaving her. That’s why you’ve been avoiding it. You want to avoid that pain, but in avoiding that pain, you’re only prolonging all the pain you feel now.
You need to go 100% no contact asap. It’ll help I promise.
Tenth paragraph: *drowning
It sounds like you had countless chances to be the man she needed you to be, yet you failed. Now that she is finally fed up and has emotionally detached from you, you are trying to win her back. It’s a sad situation that unfortunately happens way too often in relationships. This is an incredible learning opportunity for you to see what happens when you take someone for granted and don’t care enough to change your behaviour: they walk away. I also hate to say it, but if she is taking her phone into the shower with her, there may be someone else in her life already. It won’t be easy, but you’ll have to let her go. You need to turn your life around and make sure this never happens again, which starts with working on yourself. If you are truly meant to be together, you’ll find your way back to each other. If not, you will both move on eventually and hopefully, you won’t make these same mistakes with the next person.
She is banging the neighbor
You said yourself: your too little too late. As someone who has been in your wifes position with a partner, I know how she feels towards you, and it’s nothing you were hoping for.
You tried, but you tried too late. It sounds like shes been checked out of your marriage for a long time; long before her affair that she has going on (I can promise it’s an affair. The sudden change in behavior is a big indicator of that. What do you really believe theyer doing until 5am every night? Because it’s not just “dinner” and talking.) There’s no getting her back at this point.
Your best bet is to file for divorce papers and walk out, leaving them on the table for her to find when she comes home at 5am.
Sorry, op, but it’s over.
I would talk to her. Have a heart to heart before choosing to leave. ask her if there’s a chance things can be reversed or if there’s anything you can do personally or as a couple that would build you guys back up..like therapy, couples therapy, things like that
>4 Months ago, we had a disagreement that turned into her getting upset
What was the disagreement? You say that you were already on a 1 week streak of being a responsible partner, meaning that you were addressing prior issues.