My (34F) partner (34M) have been together for 2 years. We have spent a lot of time with his family this year b/c i moved to live with him. I am a black woman and my partner is white, and he has warned me that they are anti-liberal wokeism but are loving people. Both of his uncles that we see from time to time (he sees them more than I do) have made comments about how they are against “woke” culture. one of his uncles is an actor and claims that his female counterparts get booked more b/c they are black and female and not because they are talented and that he is being excluded from roles b/c he’s a white man. His other uncle also complains that he was explicitly excluded from a book deal b/c he’s a white male and that he hates that “woke sh\*t” and that too bad he’s not “gay, black, or female”. One of his cousins also claims that she was encouraged to give credit to a black man for her idea b/c he’s black, and that it was her idea, and she told him “you think being black is tough, try being a woman”…. To all of these incidents I have bit my tongue. My partner himself speaks on the fact that he thinks they are racist when we are in private, but neither of us say anything.
The other night at dinner, one of his uncles was singing a tune, and I mistakengly thought he was singing another tune and finished the lyrics. And his response was “oh yes, I’m a little black child, I was born by the river in a little town”…
I don’t want to be too sensitive but I cringe at all of these moments and don’t feel comfrotable. I want to tell m partner but I want him to know I love and support him but that his family makes me uncomfortable. I feel back b/c he didn’t grow up with a close knit family and this is the closest he has been to them, and I think he longs for their acceptance, but I am starting to want to distance myself.
Tl;dr: Worried my bf’s family is a little racist and idk how to handle it
11 comments
Discuss it with him. It’s good he admits they are racist in private. But discuss what boundaries you two will have. Also, if this relationship is hoping for long term potential and you two want to have kids someday, it will be vital to have boundaries that protect future children.
Being “a little racist” is akin to being “a little pregnant”, Op.
Lol a “little” racist?
You love and support him, in theory he loves and supports you. If you’re uncomfortable, wouldn’t he want to know? So he can speak up or so that you two can avoid spending time with bigots?
You absolutely need to bring it up; its important to be able to speak to him about this kind of thing.
His family is more than a little racist and is perfectly comfortable saying those things in front of you. The longer you (the two of you) let them believe this behavior is acceptable, the worse it’ll end up for everyone.
Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that people with racist families often have to choose between their personal beliefs or having good relationships with their family. I understand why that may be scary to him, but he can’t have a good relationship with you AND with people who are actively unsafe for you to be around.
This is a relationship you should not be in. His family is not going to stop being racist and apparently y’all will keep going around them, unless that stops(it hasn’t so it won’t) you will never know peace around them
Your boyfriend is telling you that he doesn’t care that they are hella racist (which they are) because he is not only willing to maintain his relationship with them, but also subject you to their racism as well.
“Woke” is code.
People like this are using “woke” to euphemistically refer to groups of people they don’t like who are taking up space they believe should be reserved for *them*. If what they really want to say is “There are too many black people in this TV show and it makes me angry” but they know that would sound blatantly racist, they say “This show is too *woke*” instead. Ditto women, gay people, trans people, disabled people, immigrants, etc. If a group they do not like takes up Too Much Space in a conversation, a piece of media, a piece of legislation, a *family*, etc., they break out “woke.” Like-minded people will know exactly what they really mean, but outsiders might be confused/oblivious enough to not pick up what they’re putting down.
Your skin is crawling for a reason. Don’t ignore it.
I genuinely don’t think you’re safe in this relationship from a mental health standpoint. They’re racist. You deserve a family that will completely integrate you if you are serious with your partner.
Your boyfriend doesn’t tell his uncles to shut up? He is not supporting you and is complicit in their racism. Have you tried talking to him about this?
Why are you subjecting yourself to these people and why doesn’t your boyfriend respect you enough to keep them away from you? There is no such thing as “a little racist”.
I almost stopped breathing at the tune episode. Why didn’t you walk out of there? Why do you stick around this? It’s not your job to “handle” this. Get away from him, NOW.