My (62) son (32) is now engaged to his girlfriend (28) and they plan to marry in the summer. She has quit her job, moved into his house, hired house help, stopped work and is living the good life. They have no kids. Her family lives in another country and she expects us to pay for the wedding and to hold the wedding in her country. Her home is so far away I don’t expect any of our family or friends will be able to make the journey. Traditionally the family of the bride pay for the party, but my son feels sorry for them and wants to pay. She also makes fun of him in public and in front of us. I plan to talk to him, but thought to share this in the hope of receiving some objective advice on how to approach this uncomfortable situation.
25 comments
Fuck, this is my absolute worst nightmare as a parent with several children.
> she expects us to pay
She can expect whatever she wants. You aren’t obligated to fulfill her expectations.
Your son has chosen poorly. He’s found a proud user. You can’t change that but you don’t have to fund it.
That poor decision will likely fall apart over time.
Let them know that no, you won’t pay for an overseas wedding. Then stay firm.
Ask him would she stay with him if he didn’t have money, a roof over head and suddenly fell ill? Would she find a job if he got in a car accident and let’s say lost his leg and couldn’t work. Things like that happen. It’s all great when you have money and youth.
Tell him that you don’t think she is the one for him but you will be civil towards her out of respect for him but that you will not pay anything for her. You can pay for weeding here and her parents can pay for one in their country so both sides can have opportunity to celebrate if traveling is hard. And just tell him you don’t think is ok that she acts like that humiliating him in front of others. But if he sees nothing wrong and he ia ok with her being a rich house wife(while there money) you cannot force him to change but only be there for him when things crumble down.
The more you object to this person in your Son’s life, the more he will dig in his heels.
Still, let your Son know while you are appreciate his desire to have the wedding of his choice, you will not be contributing to a wedding that excludes so much of your family. Ask if he might reconsider and have the wedding where you are. That you then might be open to helping to fund her immediate family’s travel plans.
depends.
is your family richer than hers? by how much? can you afford the thousands it takes to plan a wedding? can HER family?
is she a woman of colour? is her home country and ethnic country? are you refusing to go overseas just for the wedding because you’re afraid? or because you don’t want to participate in her culture?
is she genuinely using him or is it mutual between them? it’s not your relationship. you don’t get to dictate what happens.
the way i see it- either you’re making her seem worse than she is because you’re a toxic mother who is emotionally incestuous with her son, you’re a concerned parent who genuinely cares about her child, or you’re a scared mother who doesn’t want to lose her child.
some people make fun of their partner in good light. trust me. my partner and i are constantly picking on each other, ESPECIALLY in public. we literally label our fake yelling fights in parking lots outside stores “domestic disputes” as we’ve both been in abusive relationships. normally ends in a fit of giggles.
it’s too ambiguous to be able to give info.
• where is she from
• how does your son feel about her
• has he ever complained about how she acts in public
• is he happy with her
• are you invited to the wedding
• are you able to compromise and split half half with her family
• is it a matter of JUST not wanting to travel or is it a matter of being too homesick or jetlagged to travel
• if her family pays, would you attend the wedding
• do they plan to have kids
• how much do they make
• what is HER culture’s traditions- sometimes it’s the husband’s family that pays. it’s more nuanced than you think.
• how is the “good life” what kind of hobbies does she have
it’s very hard to judge a situation objectively without knowing all the facts. i may be reading between the lines wrong but it seems you’re just jealous of her success and you want to prevent her from having a wedding in her country to assert dominance over her and keep your son to yourself.
he can fight his own battles. you aren’t obliged to pay- but you are obliged to respect their wishes as the ones getting married. so if they have it overseas- sure. don’t pay. but don’t stay home either, that would make you the bad guy in this situation.
She does not love your son, she loves his money.
Recommend a prenup to protect his pre marriage assets, if she is not the gold digger you think she is, why is it a problem, I mean she is not paying anything towards… well anything
Your son is going to have a miserable marriage if you don’t talk some sense into him
Good luck man
Why would you pay for a wedding and nobody in your family is going to be able to attend I don’t care if it is your son if your son insists on making this bad decision then he can pay for it watch how quickly she dumps him when she realizes that the money train is about to derail
Don’t pay for the wedding if you don’t want to.
Is he supporting her and himself from his own earnings and assets?
Write down the (insulting) things she says. Plan a conversation with your son face to face and don’t make it personal (which is going to be hard). Point to the behavior and how it is disrespectful; then perhaps tell him you are not going to pay for a wedding in her country. Even if you really dislike this woman, make sure to focus on her behavior and not her – that way you have a greater chance of him considering your advice.
Don’t contribute to the wedding.
Why does he want to marry a woman who doesn’t respect him and makes fun of him in public??
Sorry, but she sees your son as an ATM machine/meal ticket
Your son needs to break up with her. Massive amount of entitlement. Get rid of her before she’s signed up for half his shit.
Yeah, if he expects you to pay, make a pre nup a requirement for that. (I mean, I wouldn’t pay at all but that’s entirely up to you). I’d also make a stipulation that if you’re paying, then the wedding *has* to be in your country and not hers. After that wedding, if she wants a wedding in her country, her family can pay for it and no one on your side is required to go.
See if you can get proof of her trash talking him before you go and talk to him about it…it’s harder to ignore hard evidence…though not impossible. If he refuses to see that she is using him, I’d recommend not supporting the wedding in any fashion (don’t pay a penny, don’t fill a seat). He can make his bad choices but that doesn’t mean you have to go along with them.
Good luck.
What is her immigration status and does he sponsor her?
I just wanted to add that your son is lucky to have such a caring father who is also careful and thoughtful about he approaches sensitive issues. I hope all of this works out for all of you and that the woman he loves matures into a loving, supportive and unselfish woman (and possibly a mother to your grandchildren).
Your son is 32. I think he is capable of seeing things.
You can only share your perspective but in the end you have to trust him. Maybe there are things that you don’t know about the girl.
Lol wtf. Talk to your son please. This can only end badly. Under no circumstance should your son or you pay for that wedding. It’s already bad enough she’s unemployed
Your view represents your opinion only. If you want outside advice, we’d need more information we aren’t l likely to get from this post.
I concur that this sounds like your son is headed for heartbreak and bank break. Be prepared to console him when the time comes
With respect to the wedding, determine what you expected to have to pay in the abstract, ie for any wedding he may have had, and any other parameters, like time off from work
Go to your son and state them, say you are willing to make a combined contribution of (pulling number from air) 20000, and give up a week of work. Let him decide how he wants to spend it – if it’s all on airfare for family members or a stateside wedding dinner or whatever. But that it’s his (well, their) decision.
Also give boundaries for interactions- for example you might want to mention that in your household you will not allow anyone to disparage any of your children, including him, and will not remain at any event where the same is happening. If boundary violated, your participation ends cordially but immediately.
Your son may be financially able to support this and may be in a better relationship than it appears on the surface, he could be 100% happy with all of this. Any talk with him may need to handled with care. But place whatever framework you can around the parts directly involving you
If you do pay make it a condition on her signing a prenup
Mind your own business. If you don’t want to contribute don’t.
But stay out of your sons relationship.
People almost always choose the person they are in love with over family when family starts meddling and casting judgement.
Your son loves this woman, you should try to also, if for nothing else but to preserve your relationship with your son.
He lo9ves her and wants to be with her. That should be all the reason you need to treat her respectfully and loving.
Edit: Maybe try to let go of that classism too. So what if she isn’t rich? They love each other. Your money doesn’t make you more moral or of better integrity.