This is something I’m not very comfortable talking about, I hope I won’t be judged. Not trying to be dramatic, but I’m typing this with a tear in my eye lol.
I met this woman on Tinder four months ago, she lives in my area. She’s really beautiful, she has that Taylor Swift kind of beauty (blonde, tall, very cute face), we had a very good time at dinner, but she turned me down in the end. She said ”I accepted this date because you’re a good-looking guy and you look a little older than you are, but I’ve realized that 19 is too young, I feel it’s wrong, I’m sorry” , but we still stayed friends. She was kind enough to pay for the dinner. We talk and joke about anything, sometimes we text for hours, not every day obviously, but yeah. I have mad respect for this woman.. she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s intelligent and strong and she’s sweet to me. she says she enjoys talking to me because I’m adorable lol and she says that she’s happy to know me.
Back story: my father is an alcoholic and my mother has severe mental issues. All my relatives are very distant.. literally distant, they all live in other cities. I basically grew up without parents and without a family, I’ve always had to provide for myself and learn to be there for myself, I’ve never received guidance from anyone and I never received affection as a child. I consider myself a functional person though and that’s a miracle.. I’m a student, I’ve had two jobs already, I’ve been in relationships, and well nobody thinks there’s anything wrong with me.
Whenever we meet up, she’s kind enough to pay (like, if we meet up to have some coffee at the bar together she’ll pay for my coffee) because she knows I’m not independent yet, and she has this attitude like ”whenever you want advice or someone who listens, text me” which I find very reassuring. I remember, she once said ”text me when you get back home safe” and I got emotional because these are all little things I grew up without.
She knows my story, and last week I said ”I’m so glad that I met you. You know, I have never had an older person in my life. Yeah I may have friends my age, but that’s not the same as someone like you” and she seemed happy to hear that. I’m not asking if she already knows what I want, you obviously are not her, but do you think that the things I say are clear enough?
The more I talk to her/hang out with her, the more I see a mother figure… and honestly, I really want to tell her how I feel. But I don’t know.. I think I’d put her under pressure, and honestly, I’d feel a little pathetic, but I really want this kind of relationship. I no longer see her as a romantic partner, she could even date my best friend and I wouldn’t be jealous.. it’s something else that I want. What should I do? Should I tell her or is this whole situation already more than enough?
TL;DR I basically grew up without a family. I’m hanging out with an older woman and to me she’s like a mother figure
21 comments
The “whole situation is already more than enough”.
Words could spoil it really badly, imo.
Tell her that you give structure to your life.
No one else has done that to you apparently
Redefine what you mean. I expect my partner to help me. Not like a parent but helps you in your choices.
But that last paragraph makes me think you see her as a friend.
Be honest with your feelings and change the words to not be so creepy. I don’t think you love her and just want her in your life. Structure is nice in ones life
Resist the urge to tell her that. She’s more than a friend as she has years and experience on you. She’s like a confidante or mentor or really young aunt. But let the friendship grow and mature. You don’t want to jump into calling someone ‘mom’ any faster than you would propose to a girl.
Tell her you see her as a mentor and someone to admire, not a mom.
No need to tell her. Since she knows your story, I’m sure that she is already aware that she is filling a void for you and is ok with that. Just enjoy what you have with her.
I think you already did tell her, in a way. You don’t need to say you see her as a mother. She may not want that title. But someone had already said you could say you see her as a mentor, that you’ve learned a lot, and are happy to be her friend.
‘Big Sister’ would go over better than ‘Mom’
When you become an adult you start making your own family, whether that is a romantic partner or trusted friends that feel like family.
It seems this woman is falling into the latter category and is acting like an older sibling would. She probably sees you as a little brother.
Again, and I CANNOT stress this enough! Go with big sister.
‘I really appreciate what you’ve done for me and the relationship we’ve formed over the last while. It feels like I’ve gained a sibling and I’m really grateful for that’.
Do NOT, under ANY circumstance! Use ‘Mom’
You’ll understand when you’re older.
-someone around this woman’s age
Don’t say mother figure – it’s kind of a turn off.
Not to be a basic redditor, but *therapy*. Even though you’re able to live your life and feel pretty functional, there’s obviously a lot of baggage and trauma you still haven’t worked through from your childhood (which is fair since you’re only 19). It’s pretty weird and could potentially become creepy to call your friend mom. That’s not a normal thing to do and it might make her feel uncomfortable or end the friendship. She’s not your mom and she probably doesn’t want to be your mother figure. She’s just being a nice friend to someone younger and less established. You haven’t known her that long and I would be really careful about not putting her on a pedestal. That puts an unfair amount of pressure on her and sets you up for disappointment.
From someone who is often the older person in this type of friendship, the feeling is more like a sibling or a mentor. There is a lot of joy in being able to give a younger person the benefit of hard-won advice, hopefully saving them the trouble of having to learn these things the hard way. There’s also a lot of camaraderie in talking to someone who had similar experiences and being able to reassure them that they can get through it. It also lets the mentor see how far they have really come and that all that hard work was worth it and valuable.
Calling someone a “mom” comes with a whole lot of baggage and subtext that can twist the meaning that you actually want to convey. As someone who had a bad mom, you, more than anyone, can understand that.
You can stick with telling her that you look up to her, you value her advice, you treasure the time you get to spend with her, and that you appreciate all of the support and listening she gives you. That will mean more to her than being boxed in as a “mom” figure. Of course, as you get to know her better, you’ll start to pick up if it would be super meaningful to her to be cast in a parental-type role!
Regardless of what you say, or don’t say to her, it’s clear that you both get along well and enjoy the friendship, and that is priceless and rare. Congratulations on being a great person, despite having such a rough start to life!
Just enjoy the relationship, don’t tell her the mom thing.
Why say anything? Enjoy the friendship. She seems very nice and supportive of you. Let it evolve. Besides, you don’t know her well enough to know how she would to a mom or sister label. Sometimes things define themselves.
I agree. No one wants to be a 16-yr-old mom!
Hey, you are going through something pretty intense right now, and that’s a good thing. For the first time in your life, someone cares about you. That’s a Big Deal! I suggest you take time to journal your feelings, think about them, and incorporate them. You did the right thing asking for feedback here before doing anything.
Do some reading about mentoring and older sibling relationships. This way you can even take action to positively strengthen this relationship.
And call her a mentor – not a mom. Mentors can be huge positive influences who do many of these “mom” things without the actual being-a-mom dynamic.
I agree with everyone else. Don’t call her mom. Maybe call her “big sister” or your “mentor”.
I’m not 35 but am close to it and I would be touched to the bottom of my heart if I was in her shoes and you told me that. It all depends on the individual. I’m so glad you found this incredible relationship and I hope it continues to nurture you for a long time.
I wouldn’t go with mom because this woman may have never wanted to be a parent. It may upset her and lots of women are forced into maternal roles they didn’t ask for.
She’s your friend- there’s no need to assign any specific role to it. She’s a good human who is helping you out. Just don’t take advantage of it and take her for granted.
DO NOT SAY MOM
USE *BIG SISTER*
Sounds like grooming. And everyone knows if the sexes were reversed Reddit would say the same thing, or worse.
There’s nothing wrong about telling her, but you must be aware of the strong meaning of the word mom, a lot of fellings come with it. I’m the mom figure of someone, the happiness, love and sweetness are very intense, but the responsibility and fear to fail are vastly overwhelming.
I’m sure she knows about your feelings toward her and she feels pleased, but being called “mom” really clics something inside you. You should wait till the right moment to tell her.
Do not say mother figure or sister but do say you appreciate her friendship. That establishes platonic closeness without making it awkward.