I (25M) have had a tense relationship with my dad (67M) for most of my life and it’s gotten worse. We have had father son bonding moments like fishing, skiing, traveling, etc. but he has yelled at me and insulted me many times and it’s gotten more frequent (calling me a loser, worthless, douchebag, telling me to stop breathing, telling me to go to hell, etc.). He also used to smash everything around the house including my toys and he still yells at my mom. When he yells at my mom she’s very passive and takes it and it’s sad to watch. Luckily he has never been directly physical with us, but he has thrown me in the pool before and tonight he threatened to kill me and ordered me to leave his house by tomorrow (I’m visiting my parents, but have my own apartment and am financially independent although I am poor).
The background to all of this is that he is an immigrant who came to the US with nothing and his parents were Holocaust survivors. He worked hard and got into great schools and became a successful doctor and he is a very smart guy. His dad physically abused him (beat him with electrical cords, waterboarding, etc.) and he’s never been to a therapist about this. He was also bullied hard in school and beaten there.
Because he had a rough childhood and still became successful that is his expectation of me. His main issue with me is that he thinks I am a slacker with a video game addiction (I do play almost every night and stay up late, but never let it get in the way of work or school). I graduated from a top 30 university (which he paid for) with a good degree and work for a good employer, but he has always been unhappy and unsatisfied with my accomplishments. I am also his only son.
My main problem with him is that he often makes me feel bad and has a massive ego. I told him to see a therapist and he said “I’m a doctor I *am* a therapist.” He has shown no remorse for anything he’s done to us and has never apologized. I used to ignore his attacks/hide, but since I’ve graduated college I’ve been more firm when he yells at me and sometimes I’ll yell back. This has escalated tension between us and I finally snapped the other day and told him that he’s a horrible father and I hate him and I “wish he was dead.” He was taken aback by this and he may have been especially hurt by it because he recently had surgery to remove thyroid cancer.
So, I have mixed feelings about him because on the one hand I feel bad for what he’s been through and he’s paid for everything I had growing up and he’s one of reasons I’m alive, but on the other hand I think he’s a narcissistic dick and I feel traumatized by his outbursts and the hurtful things he’s said to me. So what do I do Reddit?
TLDR: Verbally abusive narcissistic doctor father who had rough childhood and paid for everything of mine yells and insults me a lot. What do I do?
2 comments
Well.
Do you want to spend time with him (and by extension, your mum)? Or do you genuinely not care about seeing him?
The truth is, as an adult, you do not *owe* your father loyalty and time spent together purely because he raised you and paid for that privilege. That was *his choice* to make.
You had no say in being born, but as an independent adult you do get to decide how you spend your time and who you focus your attention and affection on. And if every effort you make to spend time with your father results in him being toxic and abusive, why would you carry on doing it? It’s purely optional, remember?
If your dad asks you why you’ve chosen to spend less time with him (if that is the route you choose to go down) then you can tell him the truth: my life is far too short to voluntarily subject myself to abuse from you, dad. I don’t want it and I don’t need it.
Trying to make this a basic as possible.
If you’re a successful adult … why does your dad *know* about your video game habits?
To be clear, whether your grandfather was a holocaust survivor or a son of a snake-handling minister doesn’t make any excuse for using yelling as a control tool.
Overall, what you’re writing about is that you feel some obligation to your dad to keep being “his kid”, even though you know you have no obligation, and that you’re not his kid any more. Stop trying to fix him. He doesn’t want to be fixed. Stop esclating things.