My husband(M 35)and I(F 34)have been married for 10 years. I bought a tiny vibrator that I thought we could use during sex, for fun, and when I told him HE FREAKED OUT. When I say “freaked out” I mean a huge angry argument accusing me of “not going about it the right way” I should have asked him first, he didn’t agree to that. I was shocked! I really didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Figuring he must be kinda insecure, I reassured him that I don’t feel that anything is “lacking” or wrong with our sex and I just thought it would be something new and exciting to add to our sex. Nothing I can say or do has made this better he is so upset with me. I’m starting to feel kinda offended that he is so mad at me LOL. I literally do everything and anything he asks for or wants in bed- I don’t think I’ve ever said no to anything! How is he so offended???? Why wouldn’t he want me to have something that I want or think would be great????
42 comments
he’s being unreasonable
Lmao he needs to get over himself, he sounds like a baby
My best guess is it made him feel he is inadequate at pleasing you. Maybe take your time and try introducing it gradually as something you want him to use because you want him to get you off with it.
This dude needs to chill…. Give him some time – like overnight or a day or so. Stay with the idea you want to use it together. Approach it as an opportunity you don’t want to lose. Don’t dwell on his anger. He was probably shocked out of his wits (hard to believe in this day and age,but stranger things have happened). Likely he will be more reasonable after he cools off.
Best way to decrease intensity of feelings is to validate those feelings. If you’re struggling with that google how to validate even if you disagree and six levels of validation and shoot for the highest level.
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Based on what you told him, You didn’t buy it for you. You bought it to use together. I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to want to have something discussed before it’s introduced to the bedroom
If he went out and bought BDSM equipment without talking to you, that would be mighty presumptuous of him. You might not respond great at first. You would have preferred that he talk to you first.
Although these aren’t the same thing….it’s the same sentiment. You assumed he’d be okay participating in something that he wanted some time to think over and process. That’s reasonable.
You say you’ve never said no to something…. He’s not saying no. He’s upset you didn’t talk to him about it beforehand.
The communication here is very lacking and I do feel like you were in the wrong here.
If he was upset that you bought yourself a vibrator to use solo, yeah he’d be an asshole. He doesn’t control your body. But you’ve been married 10 years. Talking about things you want to try in bed and not just assuming seems like common sense
Even if he does ultimately say no, it’s not fair to say “well I’ve never said no to anything”. He’s allowed to have preferences and boundaries.
He doesn’t want you to have an orgasm unless it’s directly from him? Sounds kind of controlling. But if you still want to try to introduce toys into sex, you could look into one of those Lovense eggs with the remote.
Either way it sounds like you guys need to talk about sex. Especially your expectations, turn-ons and turn-offs etc. And maybe try to get him to express why he was offended. Like specifically. He could just be responding from pride/ego. Of course not everyone is capable of the self-reflection needed to realize that their reaction is emotional rather than rational.
Could make him feel like he isn’t pleasing you enough in the bedroom. There may have been a better approach to this, like just talking to him about it first, but I think he definitely overreacted.
As long as you two are satisfied with the sex as it is, I don’t see why he should have a problem with it (if you two don’t have much sex, then it could definitely be an issue). Maybe just give him some time to calm down
He is weird and wrong.
I would talk to him again if he calms down and explain why he so overreacting. This is fun and totally normal thing to use
I think clearly your husband’s a little insecure if he’s making that big of an issue. If someone I was sleeping with wanted to use a toy during I’d be all for it. I’m all about maximizing my partner’s pleasure and that’s how sex should be.
I’d give him a day or two to calm down. It seems you’re going about this the right way, reminding him that there’s nothing missing or lacking but just want something new. If he truly doesn’t want you to use the vibrator during sex then I guess you’ll have to respect his wishes. Hopefully he comes around.
>Figuring he must be kinda insecure
LMAO, wtf is this?
What if he brought a flesh-light to “use during sex”? Would you happily embrace that? what if he wanted to put on some porn too?
Look, most of the sub is gonna give you the validation that you seek. Demographics of subs lean that way. But odds are, if the roles were reversed you would probably react similarly.
The fact your first approach is to frame him as insecure should be pissing off your husband even more.
As a guy I’ve no idea why some guys get so butthurt over this stuff, it’s just a vibrator, I assume that probably most women have had one at some point and it’s a non issue.
He needs to grow up, to be honest.
I think talking beforehand about bringing something new into the bedroom is appropriate. I don’t think what you’ve done is the end of the world though. Maybe he is just a little shocked? How would you react if he had brought out a flesh light that you didn’t know about?
To me this screams selfish and insecure on his part. So question: does he make sure you get off every time or is the bedroom all about his needs and wants?
He’s just a lil baby, some guys just can’t handle any perceived slight against their egos
Tell him that since he doesn’t like it you’ll just use it by yourself and have a better time
I will never understand why women put up with man babies. JFC. Tell him to get over it or use it to masturbate and leave him to his own devices. Seriously…you are not property. You don’t need his permission to buy or use a vibrator. He is being ridiculous and out of line.
A lot of men have that reaction, as many men equate their performance in bed with their worth. Imagine a guy stopping you from giving head halfway through, sigh, and then pull out a secret fleshlight and say they wanted that instead. If your gut reaction is to feel like you’re not doing a good job, you’re your husband.
You mentioned getting it to spice it up. He, on the other hand, likely got into his head there was an unknown lack of spice to begin with. Because you already had it, he probably drew the conclusion he wasn’t sufficient or doing a good job.
Just gotta sit him down and explain lots of girls have them, that sex with isn’t necessarily better than without toys and youd like to invite him to check stuff out at a store maybe.
A small feeling of inadequacy
What’s his reason for wanting you to ask him first?
I really don’t get why some guys are offended by vibrators. It’s awesome to use them on our s.o’s.
Sounds like he’s taking it as a personal insult to his prowess, or lack thereof, in bed.
He care more about his ego than your pleasure.
He needs to get his head – both of them! – around the fact that sex isn’t jsut about his wants and needs.
And I really don’t understand people, of any gender, not being happy to discover new tools to help pleasure and satisfy their partner. Your husband is being selfish.
You do not need permission for sexual pleasure and satisfaction.
Lol I *encouraged* my wife to buy a vibrator when we were first dating. We went to the store together. Sorry about the baby you married
Never got why some guys are threatened by vibrators. My wife and I use toys during sex on occasion and it enhances the fun. She just started a new job and is away for a night or two every couple of months. We recently go a toy that I can control remotely, so we can still have fun together while she’s away. If your husband expects you to do everything he wants, but isn’t happy to explore things that give you pleasure, you have every right to be angry. If he won’t discuss it calmly with you, maybe you next to get a counsellor involved.
Jesus. Sometimes I wish my husband would STOP buying me vibrators.
He sounds insecure. I’m a rather sex positive female and my bf loves that. He sees vibrators as something to help us out during sex as he knows I feel good hence he’ll feel good.
Let me get this straight, he is getting angry at the idea of your heightened pleasure?
I’ll never understand why some men get so insecure over vibrators/sex toys and see them as some sort of competition?? Like no babe, your partners in crime. Also, you’re husband sounds really selfish in bed and needs to grow tf up. Sorry not sorry.
You say “little”
Context matters, can it be used as a door stop? If so he’s probably just insecure.
I haven’t checked to see how many times this has been said already. Your husband needs to grow up and start treating you with some respect. He’s about to mess up a good thing with his selfish behavior.
Oh boy is he a selfish one….You can do whatever he wants but as soon as you introduce a vibrater its a problem. If you didn’t ask to stick it up his butt then what’s his problem? Insecure maybe a little immature as well. Good luck there
Fuck your husband. Actually, never fuck him again. Ha ha.
Make him read a book about sex before he fucks you again. Male insecurity. Knows no bounds.
He’s is definitely insecure about his wiener
Insecure as hell. I literally buy my girl toys.. she can use them alone too. Why do I care. Thinking about my girl playing with her self turns me on. + Days when I’m lazy using a vibrator to make her cum multiple times is much much easier then giving her oral.
He’s insecure. Bummer but that’s the deal. Not going to easy or possible to change that. You’ve certainly tried, and maybe keep trying with the “added fun, novelty, play around” approach.
He’s insecure
some guys think that porn is an accurate reflection of sex needs for women, that just really aggressive penetrative sex is all a woman needs to be satisfied, so if you introduce a toy or something else, it’s like they aren’t good enough. i think your instinct that maybe he’s feeling insecure is probably right. i honestly can’t think of any other reasons why he might react so strongly (other than maybe crazy religious stuff lol). my suggestion would be to try to educate him on what you want and make him more involved in this process so he can feel like he’s contributing to your orgasms. you may want to talk to a sex therapist who can help explain it better than you or i could.
Question: did you show him what you bought? Some people get vibrators and dildos confused so I’m wondering if he’s imagining the wrong thing.
This is a selfish, controlling, and petty reaction. I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s shown those qualities.
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Also: “I literally do everything and anything he asks for or wants in bed-”
Yeah, stop that now. Only do things that genuinely please you. And make a new rule. He doesn’t come if you don’t.
its not like youve introduced a person into the bedroom, whats his issue
Sounds like someone is a wee bit jealous