I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years and we have a very happy and loving relationship; however I go through periods where I really want to leave him. There is no particular reason but I’ve come to realize we have a classic “nothing is wrong but maybe not enough is right either” kind of relationship. I haven’t felt attracted to him in a very long time; although he is attractive I just have 0 attraction for him and have no desire to even kiss or cuddle with him.
I don’t get excited when he comes home, when he’s out of town for work I generally feel much more energized. There is no fighting, disagreements etc. but I do find him to be moody and insensitive but I tend to overlook those times. It’s hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable with him and there have been some hurtful situations in the past that I’ve suppressed. Not physical hurt or anything but emotionally they have been really sad. We have spoken about all of this and although he acknowledges it he will change but then goes back – it’s his nature and I can keep asking him but I don’t think people change unless they want too and it’s just the way he is. I think he’s perfectly happy with a surface level relationship.
I am fortunate to have a good career so I can support myself without issue, we have no kids or animals so separating wouldn’t be hard at all beyond sorting out our assets. We are both reasonable people. I also really enjoy being alone and am not scared of it.
I know if I told him I wanted a divorce he would be completely crushed. He loves me so very much and thinks very poorly of divorced people. I know he tries hard which is why it’s so hard for me because although he tries it’s like he’s always trying to keep our relationship at surface level and never go deeper; I constantly toy with the question of should we break up? Is it enough? Am I just not trying hard enough to see all the good? Am I being selfish? **I already feel like I’ve been struggling with this question for so long that the question has answered itself but I’m writing here to see if anyone else has been here and if so what did you do? Do you regret it or are you happy with your path?**
tl;dr Is this enough of a reason to leave my husband?
8 comments
First up- you don’t need ‘enough’ of a reason to leave any relationship, and staying just because the other person would be hurt is actually much worse for them. You’re no longer attracted to him, and prefer when he is out of town, and it sounds like you’ve tried to both work on issues that never get fully resolved. Time to go.
I lost a long term relationship where nothing was wrong and we really cared for each other but I almost felt relief when he wasn’t home, and more like myself. I think it was a case of someone I could have been great friends with but shouldn’t have been romantic with, we stayed together for years loving each other but not in the way either of us needed from a romantic partner. He finally broke it off and I was devastated but now am so thankful he did, my relationship with my husband now is worlds better for me we are so much more compatible and better understand each other.
>It’s hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable with him and there have been some hurtful situations in the past that I’ve suppressed.
An example or two?
>although he acknowledges it he will change but then goes back – it’s his nature and I can keep asking him but I don’t think people change unless they want too and it’s just the way he is.
>
>I know he tries hard
You don’t think people change unless they want to, and, you know he tries hard. Clearly, trying hard is not enough. Trying effectively would be enough.
***How often have you two gone to couples therapy? That’s where finding effective means of trying are likely to be found imo.***
I went through a similar relationship. I ended things because i felt the lack of attraction from her side. She didnt want a divorce but now that we are she seems much much happier.
He probably feels the same way as you. You both still love each other but you are kind of bored in your day to day and the relationship lacks that passion you had in the beginning. You can try to save it, maybe take a solo vacation for a few weeks and when you get back let him do the same. When you both are done try to do things together that you actually both enjoy, whatever that may be.
If its enough to end your marriage, maybe. Its really up to you. Being single is much easier for woman, especially with the dating sites. My ex is already in a relationship and I’m at the point where i want one but cant find one.
It will be easier for you to adjust. Idk if this helps but im just sharing.
When I was struggling, I first had us go into couple’s counseling and then go from there.
You have 2 options.
1. You go with with your gut and break it off. Before you do break it off make sure you would be happier on your own and that this isn’t a “the grass is always greener over there” situations. Don’t break up with him to text him 6 months later saying “I didn’t realize what I lost” because that would truly be unfair to him.
Or
2. You two start going to couples therapy, as well as individuals therapy (I recommend the same therapist for all 3 sessions, your couples session and an individual session for each of you on a rotating schedule. This will let the therapist see the whole picture as opposed to only hearing one persons side of things). This rout will be hard and you’ll have to re-establish your connection, millions of couples go through this and have ended up working out, but there are also millions of couples who have tried and got divorced anyways. Without kids or pets it would be “easier” to divorce but it also depends on if you want this relationship to work out or not.
If this is something that happens suddenly for no reason could it be hormonal/internal? I am waaay less attracted to KY bf when I’m depressed, but it’s not like a *him* thing and a different relationship may give a oust at first but wouldn’t last if it’s a you thing.
seems like you already mentally checked out, its time to end it and check out entirely.