My partner and I have a great relationship so far. We were friends before for 5 years and been dating almost 3 months. He’s very patient loving etc etc. Only disagreement we’ve had is drugs.
He told me at beginning of lock down he spent 1,500£ on drugs in first 2 weeks. I was honestly taken aback because I can’t imagine spending that much money on it in such a short amount of time.. He also doesn’t have a lot of money and said he is totally comfortable spending that on drugs but woould never spend on other things like house stuff or whatever.
I expressed I was uncomfortable and don’t like that. Tbh he hasn’t really taken drugs since we’ve been together… except he talks about it all the time. Once I was sitting in his house and he offered me opium. I try not to be judgemental, he says he doesn’t have a problem and tbh I’ve never seen him be completely off his face but … I can’t help but feel annoyed by it all.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if this is going to just keep getting annoying and once the honey moon phase wears off he will go back to taking extreme amounts of drugs.
He tells me he thinks I am brainwashed and have fear. I told him I’ve taken drugs in past, I’ve had hardcore party days, I’m just not interested in it anymore as a regular thing. I’m an artist and like making my work, I hate feeling strung out the next day… I don’t see what benefit drugs add to me.
Am I being annoying and unfair?
Tl;dr – partner loves drugs (spends thousands££ on them) and I don’t care about them – he stopped taking since we’ve been together (3 month) but I’m wondering if our difference in opinion and lifestyle makes us entirely incompatible once honeymoon period is over. Am I being unfair?
26 comments
Stay the fuck away from opium, seriously
He 100% has an addiction and almost certainly is still taking them. End this relationship before it gets serious enough to break your heart.
Opium? Really?
I’m sorry but what are you doing with a drug addict who’s that much older than you? There’s so many better men out there. It’s only been three months, this isn’t worth it. Good luck!
Your 29. I don’t know what you want for your life but would you want to have children with an addict?
Would you want to be married to an addict?
I say this with all due respect….wtf are you even doing THINKING about this? Get out of there.
You’ve been together 3 months. It’s not a lifetime and you’ve barely formed a routine. His behaviour won’t change. You shouldn’t force him to change. Just tell him it’s not your thing and you’re not into ppl who do that. Let it go. It’s a waste of your time.
Look, I’m not someone who automatically judges drug users. There’s plenty of stuff he could be taking where I’d just tell you “if it doesn’t affect you, then who cares?”
But… **stay the fuck away from someone who offers you opium**.
Imagine someone who offers a 13 year old cigarettes, and then multiply the seriously not-ok-ness by a thousand. Opium is **not** something you just casually offer someone who hasn’t convinced themselves into doing already, that is a life-ruiner.
No wonder he doesn’t have any money and refuses to spend any on necessary stuff like house repairs…
1500£ on drugs in 2 weeks.
Girl, no. What the heck was he buying? Leave this crazy man.
Break up with this dude. His addiction will most certainly get in the way of your life goals. If you can’t do it, please seek individual therapy for support.
He needs to grow up, his whole personality is drugs and I don’t think that’s going to change… I don’t think you’re compatible.
I’m sorry but this is a massive lifestyle difference, and even more detrimental in that one lifestyle choice is alot healthier than the other. You will get dragged into it or it will break you up. I would walk away now. Find someone you don’t have to change.
Deliver it in a shit sandwhich
The bread: Listen, I need to talk with you. I find you to be [insert good things here], and I’ve enjoyed our time together
The filling: I have to be honest with myself and my boundaries. I cannot be in a relationship with this kind of/any kind of drug use. I think it’s wise for us to end things here.
The bread: I care for you and hope that you find someone who makes you happy/get the help you meed.
If he promises to change DO NOT stick around for that. Tell him you’re happy to hear it but its something he has to do lone for himself. If he’s a year clean then you can talk.
Just my advice
He’s not your partner. You’ve been dating for three months and (hopefully) realizing he’s bad news. Do not attach yourself to this runaway train.
This is just the plot to The Souvenir
He’s 45, spends all his money on drugs…what the actual fuck. How are you with him?
So, as someone with experience in this field I feel pretty safe in saying that, if your partner spent £1500 in 2 weeks on drugs, and as he offered you “opium”, aka heroin, I assume at least a decent portion of that money went on that, then your man has an addiction. Not all addicts look like homeless, destitute people. There are sone addicts who do quite a job at functioning – on the surface at least. I could be wrong but that amount of money in a short space of time rings big alarm bells. I sincerely hope that things work out well for you, but my advice would be, if you don’t want the constant worry, hurt and disappointment of life with an addict, then I’d step away.
He could be your teen dad dude, greener pastures.
Are you so sure he stopped using? If he had been spending approximately $1000.00 a week on opioids for a prolonged period of time, he should have gone into withdrawal assuming he stopped cold turkey.
Additionally, the fact that he doesn’t see that there’s any problem with spending money so recklessly is also troubling. There may very well be no hope of a financially stable life with such an individual. Furthermore, his claim that you are “brainwashed” rubs me the wrong wrong and comes off as extremely manipulative.
This is what they mean when they say the bar is on the floor. My man is out here casually offering you opium ffs. Please stop talking to this man and never look back
Don’t you mean ex partner?
Cause that is seriously a drug addiction problem and trying to hook you so you don’t think about it.. great way to throw one’s life down the drain..
Oh man, from the first paragraph I thought this was going to be another “my bf spends all his money on weed!” post. Whenever people just keep saying “drugs” without being specific puts me on edge.
Then you casually dropped the opium bomb. Yea, this isn’t just “my bf likes to get stoned a little too much” – this is full on crazy gtfo and run. I worked as a school counselor in a poor area for years and saw first hand that drugs like opium don’t just ruin your own life, they mess up everyone around you too.
If this were my wife (together for over a decade and kids together) I’d say therapy and rehab. Three months into dating? Cut your losses and move on. You can’t set boundaries with an opium user, that’s a whole different level of serious that he needs to deal with before it kills him.
Don’t get dragged down with that ship – you are young and sound like you have a bright future. In 10 years this dude is going to be 55 and have decades of hard drug use in his system. That’s not someone you want to build a life with. Shoot, with the age gap he was likely using hard drugs BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
You are not being unfair. I am not one to judge as I’ve done my more than fair share of drugs in my life. At 45 he should be focusing his finances, time and energy on what is important in life and not on drugs. What is the rest of his life like? Is it in order? Does he wake up in the mornings and show up on time for things? Does he have a good or fulfilling job? Is he in a good place financially? Is his house clean? Does he have other hobbies he spends time on and is mostly responsible? If he 100% has his shit together, likes to do drugs but is still high functioning then maybe (depending on how traditional you are and what you want from a relationship) this could work. If he doesn’t have his shit together and is using drugs then my advice is to walk away.
It’s one thing to do hard drugs occasionally in a social manner but to just casually do opium is just…a lot. He may not be mature enough to be in this relationship with you. I understand he may not have traditional values but opium is a highly addictive and dangerous drug, why is he putting you at risk? A saying that I’ve found to be true in life-‘If you hang out at the barber shop long enough, you’ll eventually get a hair cut’. Meaning if you keep hanging out with someone on hard drugs eventually you will end up doing them, or at least end up taking part or enabling his taking of drugs. I don’t really know if this is something you could talk him into changing as most people’s relationship with drugs is complicated. I would have a heart to heart with him, saying that you love and care for him but that this level of drug use is a deal breaker for you. Do not change your boundaries or put up with something that you are not comfortable with. I would get out now before you get in deeper.
This man is a drug addict and is offering you drugs knowing full well you dont like them. This won’t be the last time he offers you opium. I’ve seen way too many stories of people turning into addicts because they dated someone that was. Run FAR FAR away. It should be a red flag hw is broke spending thousands on drugs to begin with. He’s fine being broke as long as he has drugs? …. Are you really asking yourself whats wrong here? I think you know.
Before I met my partner, she allowed her brother, a drug abuser to move into her home. She had 1 rule – keep your drugs out of the home and don’t get high at the house. He agreed.
One day she was at work when her mother called her to tell her that the cops had raided her house and she had to take her granddaughter or the cops would have. She came home to her home being absolutely destroyed – everything was torn into, broken, flipped over, damaged. She lost thousands of dollars in home furniture bc the cops destroyed it all. On top of this, she had to go to the police station bc, even though she is 100% drug free, she was living with him. After hours of being questioned, writing things out for them, she submitted a drug test (tested her), she was let go. The cops told her that they had been watching him for a very long time, unknown to anyone.
He was never allowed to live there again. When I was first dating her, he showed up at her doorstep stabbed on his shoulder, blood gushing down, and said they almost shot him too – drug deal went south. After getting him cleaned up, he wanted to stay there. Major fight ensured bc he thought he had a right to stay and how could she be so heartless. She threw him out, again, and their mother took him to the hospital. His knife wound was so bad, they admitted him, had to put him on IV antibiotics and he had to stay a couple of days.
Thing is, when you date a junkie (not all junkies look like homeless or crazies), they attract attention over time. They also attract all sorts of unwanted drama too. The fact that he’s 45 and offers you opium like he’s offering you a club sandwich should tell you he’s very far gone. He’s a binger, and a user and you will ALWAYS have money issues with him bc he does not and will never prioritize anything other than his drug(s) of choice. Who cares if he’s great to get along with, clean, charming; that’s ONE side to him. You are playing with fire. And being that he’s been using drugs for quite some time it would not surprise me if the cops ALREADY know who he is, they’ve been tipped off and one day he will be arrested (or worse) and you have a real potential to get into major problems bc of his drug use. He wants you to use bc misery and addiction love company.
You need to realize that you’re making excuses for loving one side of him while downplaying another very real dangerous part of him. You’re doing a logical pretzel to stay with him bc of attributes, that to be honest, any decent person has. You can’t ever trust him. You can’t ever mix finances with him, and for the love of god, children should never be around him. Sorry to say, but your bf needs help and if he does not get it, you will go down with him, if you choose to stay.
You really should raise the bar for yourself and date a real man, one who you can trust; not a junkie who will absolutely pull you down with him and one who you are not compatible with and who you won’t ever be able to trust. Ever.
I’m sorry, I have to be blunt with you – you have poor judgement. This guy is not good for you and will drag you down into the gutter. Break it off, or suffer the consequences.
Forget the “annoyance” of it (which is valid). Consider his health. He’s 15y older than you, and a long term drug user. His body will fail him in the next 10 years if he continues this (and possibly even if he stops now). Do you really want this future for yourself? Tied to his drug dependence and financial irresponsibility?
You are right that you are incompatible.
I think if your not apposed to the odd mushroom trip then you probably are not brain washed. I myself like to take drugs sometimes but I couldnt be with someone who regulary took them as a opposed to the ocaional expeinece and I would not mess around with opiate because it does kill people. Also I wouldnt mess with meth. Opiates are for acute pain managment and not regular use or even chrinic pain. I think he might not be agood fot for you. If your priorities are owning a house he will not be the one to help you achive those life goals. He will drains your bank account indicrectly