I (18F) Don’t Feel Loved in my Two Year Relationship, and my Boyfriend (18M) Doesn’t Care

Our relationship has never been easy: COVID, long distance, mental health, school, etc. It started to get really bad at the six-month mark when I discovered his social media consumption and how he was still pretty active with old crushes. It only got worse from there for me, I have never been able to forgive him for that. Things mellowed out after our first year, I was coming to terms with everything. We met on my 18th birthday, I drove 17 hours to see him with my mother and it was the best few days of my life. I had never felt so safe and loved. We experimented sexually and had a pretty rushed and not exactly “whole” first time, but hey first times never go smoothly. But when I got home, he stopped engaging with me sexually, outright turning down my advances with some excuse. I accepted it and moved on. When I finally confronted him, he said he was embarrassed by how poorly our first time went and he felt uncomfortable doing anything with me. To an extent, I understood and forgave him. I asked how he had been “getting by” without doing anything with me and he assured me he used pictures of myself and thought of me. I repeatedly asked if he used porn, as it was a boundary I had set a long time ago in our relationship. I broke down on the phone sobbing, begging him to not turn to it and he swore on everything he wasn’t. So I believed him.

Fast forward to May, and he’s staying with me and my family for two weeks to celebrate my graduation. We have a decent time, with a few familial struggles and arguments but it was to be expected since it was our first time really being around each other. He gives me his Nintendo switch when he leaves because didn’t use it anyways. One day I went to watch Youtube on it and discovered NSFW audios in his likes, watch later, and history. I break down and confront him, to which he admits to watching the Youtube videos when we argue and watching porn about twice a week. He says he’s been doing it since January, which adds up because he’s wanted very little to do with me sexually for a while now. He told me it was because he was too used to me, that he didn’t want to see more of me, that watching other people made him more excited. I was so devasted, and I still am. Up until that point, I was supposed to move across the country to go to college where he lives, a stupid little community college. It was such a downgrade for me, I graduated 3rd in my class with a 4.7, but I was giving that up for him. Not to mention leaving my broken and very dependent family. I had to change everything, and by that time I had run out of options, so now I’m stuck at my local community college. I’ve ruined my life for him, lost every single friend, strained relationships with my parents, missed every senior dance, football game, outing, didn’t get a job, didn’t learn how to drive. This incident happened at the end of June, it’s now the middle of August and we fight almost daily. You would think that if you hurt your girlfriend that badly and she stayed, you would worship the ground she walked on right? It’s the opposite for him. I’m less than dirt. He calls me names, he cusses at me, he invalidates my mental and physical health, he calls my feelings dramatic and unnecessary he talks badly about my family and says they’re the reason I’m messed up. I keep giving him chances because I can’t leave. He’s the only person I have and I truly do love him so much despite everything. I would be better if I could just heal, and believe me I’m trying. But he doesn’t make me feel wanted. I tell him this, I suggest things to make it better, things that will help me, and he just ignores them. I don’t know what to do. My life has been reduced to nothing. There’s so much more I could add to this. The signs have always been there, proof that he doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him. He does so much that he knows will hurt me, but it means nothing to him. I’m so heartbroken, but I won’t leave.