I (34M) matched with her (34F) around a month ago, we’ve seen each other every weekend since and with our time spent together progressively increasing. We have similar cultural backgrounds (east asian), I grew up in the US, she immigrated after college. We live about an hour away from each other, she has a full time job, goes to law school full time, and had an internship during the summer that just ended. I work as an engineer outside of the city. I have been going to her in Manhattan each time as she doesn’t have a car. The dates have mostly been some combination of coffee, drinks, dinner, show, walks. She has met my friends and I have met hers. Nothing beyond hugs and kisses on the cheek for physical intimacy.
During our last date, a Sunday hike upstate, I asked for a check-in. She is busy this weekend and we would presumably not see each other for two weeks. I specified that I was not asking her for exclusivity, but that I needed some verbal feedback as she hasn’t really communicated her feelings. She responded that she enjoys hanging out with me but needs time to process some of the things I told her the day before that could potentially be issues. Namely, I mentioned that I had mental health problems during college, and that I was a smoker that recently quit. She also would like me to practice golf and partake in a few other activities she’s into, but wants me to do it out of my own interest instead of for her. The overall communication was honest and the date went well but it’s left me conflicted. What I’ve been thinking about since:
1. She asked me if I’ve ever had a mental breakdown and admitted she’s worried what depression could mean in the future when our lives would inevitably become more stressful. I’ve told her that it’s in the past, about 10-15 years ago, I’m not on meds, and depression is not the same as having a mental breakdown. She’s clearly unaware but I don’t think I should have to defend myself. I may have opened up too early but this is something I feel comfortable talking about and they’re issues from so long ago that it worries me when the other person isn’t understanding.
2. I’m uncomfortable with how demanding she is, especially with things that I can’t control. I have no problems with playing more golf even though it’s kind of boring, but I can’t erase my past. She’s very particular about physical appearance (height, body type, etc) which we talked about in lighter conversations, along with other implicit/explicit requirements like having a good career but also good work/life balance (to accommodate her future law associate hours), being able to interact with her social circle, having a good upbringing and so on. I believe I check all those boxes or else we wouldn’t be at this point. But it’s exhausting to think about and I feel uneasy that she doesn’t seem to value the “boxes” I do check. I also consider things like chemistry, how much commitment the other person shows, how honest and considerate they are far more important than their work/hobbies and social aptitude.
3. She’s too analytical with her decision making. I understand that she wants to be thorough as we’re both looking to settle down. But so far I’m usually the one verbalizing how I feel towards her. The fact that she’s given me almost all of her weekend free time should mean she feels the same, but I’m often unsure thus the talk. This may also be somewhat of a cultural issue as she was raised more conservatively in Asia.
4. I like her and am beginning to have feelings for her. She is smart, driven, pretty, we never run out of things to talk about and I enjoy every moment I spend with her. I also realize that I’ve been very impatient, and that my feelings are partly driven by impatience, loneliness, and limerence. One month is not a long time. I am also going on dates with another person, who lives farther away in a different direction, but we do not have the same connection.
I’m mostly looking for a read on the situation. I tried my best to give all the relevant details. My concerns are the usual things like should I move on, am I wasting my time, should I wait it out, etc. Thanks for reading.
27 comments
First of all, a word of support. What you did (telling her about your mental health) is something I really admire. The amount of stigma that still exists around these topics is still incredibly high, but I still think that if you have potentially serious plans with this person, she needs to know you and accept you fully.
To answer your three points:
i) You have every right to worry about her lack of understanding. Depending on how mental health is treated in her culture, you may need to spend more time with her so that she sees that you are not the sum of one word – depression.
ii) I’m more worried about this – from the way that you write, it seems like she has a long checklist of things that she is demanding, with little if any room for compromise. What about you? Do you get the impression that she likes you as a person, is attracted to you? When you talk, are you able to talk about serious and personal things? Is she able to be vulnerable with you? And how would you feel if she keeps on making additional demands like this on you as your relationship continues? Is it something you would be willing to accept in order to be in a relationship with her?
iii) From the little description you’ve given, she seems like someone who communicates her feelings through actions rather than through words. Could this be related to her cultural upbringing? If you fundamentally know that she likes and appreciates you, is it a problem if she does not communicate these things through your preferred methods?
iv) I can understand why you might be attracted to her, but before you go any further, think: are you attracted to her because of her status and appearance? What do you think of the person inside? And is it possible that you are also attracted to the idea of getting her to like you as a way of proving to yourself that ‘someone like that’ can like you? I’m not saying that this is the case, but given the difficulties you’ve communicated you should be doubly sure that you like her for the person that she is before getting anymore involved.
Ultimately, you need to weigh everything together and decide what is most important to you, what you are willing to accept, and whether the good outweighs the not so good enough to try to pursue a relationship with this person.
Things people do not to be alone, jeez. I can already tell you will be miserable with her in the future.
Short answer here but I would skip this one.
>She also would like me to practice golf and partake in a few other activities she’s into, but wants me to do it out of my own interest instead of for her.
This annoys me so much on your behalf. It’s like, “I want you to do the things I like because I want that… but I want you to do it because you like it and not just for me… but yeah it’s actually for me because we all know you wouldn’t be doing it if I hadn’t made this demand”.
This seems like a hot mess. I can’t imagine this level of nonsense from, what, four weekends together? Pass.
She sounds extremely demanding and seemingly wants to mold you into her ideal partner rather than accepting you for who you are. I’d call it off before you develop stronger feelings.
If someone was that insensitive about (resolved) depression and asked me to take up golf when I had no interest in golf, I’d be out of there in a heartbeat.
You were honest and forthright, which is a good thing. She sounds like she has a mental checklist and that her idea of a good relationship is one that ticks all of the social/appearance boxes and impresses her friends and parents, not one grounded in mutual understanding and anything deeper than how things look to the other couples on the golf course.
Hey OP. I am Asian and grew up in Asia. I emigrated to the US after college. I know you said you have similar background but, and I hate having to be this blunt, you don’t. You are Asian-American and share more similarities with other Americans than her – culturally.
TL;DR: she is definitely at the ‘get to know you’ stage – ie whats your positives and negatives in relationship. You are looking at this from the American perspective. When she spends time with you… she might be finding that demanding of you but she does it anyway because she likes you. Are you always the one asking? Because she might be asking things back because she sees herself giving you what you want (time).
This sounds… textbook east-asian style dating. This is still in the ‘get to know you’ stage even though she seems to be spending a lot of time with you. There is a courtship cycle in Asian dating and it tends to last a bit longer than Western people (particularly about sex or intimacy further than cheek kissing, etc). I know people have countered me in previous threads but we generally don’t do ‘sparks’. You really kinda have to turn us off for us to call it quits. It’s not unusual for us to go on multiple dates for weeks or even months before we can decide that we are not match. This sounds… weird to Westerners but in Asian countries, we focus on ‘can we learn to love this person’ rather than I fell in love from our first date. This is not a bad thing. From our perspective, ‘love and relationship’ is cultivated (99% of the time) and only lucky people ‘fall in love at first or second sight’.
This is why she might be coming off as too analytical. We see relationships as ‘obligations’ and the sense of commitment (at least to our responsibilities) is really intense. She’s making sure that the level of commitment and obligation you need is something she WANTS to provide in the future to her spouse.
What does your mental health mean for her? Does that mean she will have to emotionally support you or physically be a caregiver in the future? Do you need her to ‘take care of you’ a lot?
She wants you to do the things she does because those are you obligations to her as a potential partner. She sounds demanding… because the subtext here is that these are the things she needs from you.
It sounds completely mental if you’re not from that culture but the gentler read on what I wrote is… can you take her and all that she is and ‘deal’ with it with her and can she take you and all that you are and ‘deal’ with those problems with you?
I’d argue that East Asians think long term on the first date. They are reserved because the questions we ask in our head is… is this person someone I can commit to?
I think revealing your mental health problems are great and honest but this might have been a bit early to do that with her (culturally). You may not have accrued enough positives to negatives ratio to pass a certain threshold when it doesn’t matter.
But for immigrants like us… we tend to be more careful with our futures in our new country. We don’t have a lot of resources here and we have to be careful of what we commit ourselves to.
Anyway OP… it sounds like she likes you but is now worried of what you are asking from her when you revealed you had mental health issues.
I’d consider downgrading her status to a more casual sexual partner. She sounds like too much of a hassle as a full on romantic partner.
Golf sounds like a fun hobby to take up.
I’ve learned to not overshare mental health or social health issues early in the relationship. It doesn’t matter what other Redditors tell you, girls are NOT into that shit. It’s extremely unattractive to them. You have to ease them in. I’m just saying it like it is.
I think if you act a little more nonchalant she may become more interested. She sounds like a catch so she has plenty of options. Just definitely don’t bring up mental health concerns again. Paint yourself in the best light possible.
I know this is generic advice but I really think it applies. Good luck to you!
She sounds exhausting and high maintenance. I don’t see how you could have a happy long term relationship with someone this demanding. Move on, and let some other poor guy be her footstool. She sounds like she just wants an empty vessel who is fine completely shaping himself to meet her demands. She sounds like she won’t tolerate any of your own individualism or personal wants or needs.
she sounds like she already has a perfect guy in her mind. you ain’t it move on.
I think you should move on. She sounds uncompromising and like she just wants someone who checks all her boxes. This whole post reads like someone you’d be miserable dating for a long period of time.
> She also would like me to practice golf and partake in a few other activities she’s into, but wants me to do it out of my own interest instead of for her.
WHAT??!? Lol, no.
Move on from this demanding b.
I can understand someone having concerns about a history of depression to a certain degree if someone has never experienced it. However, a very high percentage of people have or will experience an episode of depression at least once in their life, so it actually kind of annoys me when someone sees it as a negative or as a reason not to be with someone. You were honest and the idea that she may potentially hold it against you makes me feel like you deserve better.
I also do not understand her asking you to play more golf. Fair enough if you enjoy it anyway and she wants to share the hobby with you, but if it’s something you don’t enjoy then that can just be a hobby she does alone. Couples can have shared and individual hobbies and still be happy.
Let me ask you a question. Does it feel like shes trying to know you, or to see how you could be molded and fit into her ideal life? I don’t know how it is within Asian culture so maybe this is the norm but if it were me, I would also feel uncomfortable about her hesitance and wanting you to learn golf if it isn’t your thing, (can’t she go with friends to do that)? But I would see how it goes and talk more and find out if it’s compatible so no sense to give up or anything until you can find out if it’s right for you or not.
You lost me at her insisting you partake in her hobbies, but that you don’t do it because of her. I mean just screams unreasonable.
Either you are willing to join in her hobbies because you like spending time with her and she does those things or you would already have been involved in those hobbies before meeting her if you were truly independently interested in them. Does she just want you to lie about enjoying the same stuff as her? I’m so confused by this.
Hi, multiple issues are at play here that need to be addressed. But the short answer is no, you should not move on from her, but since you are not exclusive, you should be dating other people. It reads to me that you may be afraid of rejection and are anticipating it, getting in your head. In turn, your subconscious will always want to avoid that pain of possible rejection by rejecting first. It’s not unusual for your mind to focus more on her faults when this is at play. This reaction is super understandable because you probably had previous pains associated with rejection. You are not alone, many people do this. But this strategy embedded in so many people is extremely ineffective in dating.
At this conjecture, there are several things that you must do a month in, with things getting more serious: what stands out to me is avoiding codependency tendencies from developing, understanding your own needs and boundaries in this situation, and developing the patterns of communication that sets up for emotional intimacy, understanding your own wounds and how she triggers them, understand her limitations and making an assessment of whether this relationship can accommodate for both of yours and her limitations and triggers.
I’m a certified dating and relationship coach, so if you need a relationship coach, DM me, and we can talk.
Why are doing this? You’ve listed reasons I’d divorce someone, and you’ve been dating a month?
Break it off, good lord.
This seems like a lot, especially so early on.
She obviously doesn’t understand depression or how someone with depression functions. You are not required to explain this to her or defend yourself to her. I would encourage her to research it for her own knowledge because having a mental breakdown and having depression are very different. My partner and I both deal with anxiety and depression. It’s important that your future partner understands (doesn’t have to relate) this.
While enjoying activities together is great, she must know demanding someone to play more golf will be for her – not for themselves. My partner and I are different in this aspect – he loves Marvel, I’d never seen any Marvel related content. We together watched all the movies. I wouldn’t have done this without him, I did it to understand his interest and bond. Now it’s something I enjoy watching with him, it could’ve been that I didn’t enjoy it but h never forced or demanded me to.
Also, seems like she wants everything to be on *her* terms – *her* preference in appearance, being there for *her* career, enjoy more of *her* interests, and interacting with *her* friends. Life changes, all of these will likely change over time.
After a month of consistently seeing each other, she should have an idea of if she likes you or not. If you’re unclear, you need to communicate with her that you are interested in her and are looking to see if she feels the same, because if not, you’re looking to settle down and not wanting to waste your time further.
It seems like she is looking for someone to fit into her idea of a perfect life. You should have a partner who is considerate and understanding of your mental health. Someone who also wants to learn your interests/partake in your hobbies. Relationships are a partnership and based on your details she wants everything to be for her and her way.
It’d be a no for me.
>I’m not on meds, and depression is not the same as having a mental breakdown. She’s clearly unaware but I don’t think I should have to defend myself.
Since she communicated that it’s a point of concern to her, it seems reasonable that you should provide more details to help her understand – you’re not defending yourself, you’re providing clarity and helping her make an informed decision.
>But it’s exhausting to think about and I feel uneasy that she doesn’t seem to value the “boxes” I do check. I also consider things like chemistry, how much commitment the other person shows, how honest and considerate they are far more important than their work/hobbies and social aptitude.
Why don’t you think she values your “boxes”? If it’s because she doesn’t delve on them, it may be because she considers those things as a given.
She may be hesitant because there’s a lot of uncertainty (e.g. you’re a month in with friends-level physical contact, and the depression bit which she may not have a clear picture of). If I were in your shoes, I’d attempt to shed light on the mental health situation, have an honest discussion about the sticking points of both parties, and go from there.
Danger, Will Robinson.
I’m normally think Reddit is too quick to tell people to break up, but this person is red flag city.
Her response to your depression was cold hearted and more about how it would make her look than how you feel!
Also, she seems more to want arm candy to support her career than an actual person with their own wants and needs.
Move on and find someone who cares about YOU, not someone who wants you to learn how to golf for no reason so you can go to their corporate law golf outingss.
Yikes, man.
Your reservations are right on point. She sounds like she doesn’t care about you at all other than how well you check the boxes for her requirements.
Move on!
I used to date an Asian guy and he dumped me as soon as he saw that I was on Prozac. Lol…
Run
I mean… she sounds analytical but “too” analytical? That is a hard call to make. Honestly if what you describe is accurate, she has a different emotional process than you but is serious about you and wants it to succeed. She is trying to figure out how you will fit into her life.
Culturally or temperamentally or whatever the basis is — it honestly doesn’t matter, actually — she sounds like someone who doesn’t like to come right out and say explicitly what her “negotiable” and “non-negotiable” relationship needs are, but it does sound like she is conveying that information to you in a more unspoken way. Golf is important. Your future reliability as a partner is important. You get the idea.
It sounds pretty great that she is thinking along those lines!
Plus…. she is a Manhattanite willing to date someone who doesn’t even live in the city??!? Dude I think she really must like you. You must have quite a lot going on in your favor.
I would be a little concerned with her potentially not being able to cope with “I do this for you” rather than “I do this because it is who I am inherently.” Some people really can’t handle that, in terms of emotional processing, and that could end up being a hard stop for her. But ultimately, OP, the great thing for you is that that is up to her to decide, there is really nothing you can do. All you have to do is be you and let her figure it out. (And, I don’t think that is specifically some kind of “Asian thing” or anything, I have known plenty of non-Asian people who have that trait, too. Sometimes it’s irreconcilable, which is tragic but happens.)
Anyway good luck! This sounds pretty promising, if a bit confusing at times. But that’s love for you!
If you like her, move forward, if you don’t then leave.
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But try to frame her behaviors in a less critical light. I don’t necessarily agree with her take on mental health, but I get that there are different cultural perspectives. I think saying “she’s too this” or “she’s too that” will create a lot of unhappiness for you. A simple reframe of “she’s very analytical” or “she’s very intentional with her decision making” is a healthier perspective.
Lmao what I’m reading is this woman have a bf/husband shaped hole in her life and she’s trying to mold you into it.
Why are you doing it? Is it that bad to be single? jeez
I’m seeing lots of comments prescribing whether you “should” or “should not” continue seeing this girl.
the truth is: only you have the best view and read on the situation. i’ve dated east asian women before, and some tend to be more emotionally reserved, depending on how long they’ve already been in the US. it sounds like she has been in the US for a fair amount of time, not necessarily “fresh off the boat”. so it might not be fully accurate to say that she’s not culturally adapted to the dating scene here (e.g. has she been dating for a while now?). it could just be inherent compatibility differences.
that said, based on how you’ve written your question, i read: hesitancy. you clearly have reservations about her. yet at the same time, you’re also seeing other girls. personally, unless i feel an overwhelming “YES”, i usually won’t proceed with another date (when i am seeking a serious LTR)
my parting thought: here’s a series of questions i’ve found helpful to ask myself at the end of each date. it’s from a book by Logan Ury on relationships. curious to hear your thoughts!!
– What side of me did they bring out?
– How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
– Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
– Is there something about them I’m curious about?
– Did they make me laugh?
– Did I feel heard?
– Did I feel attractive in their presence?
– Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?