Hi guys
I’m feeling confused about what to do – my ex boyfriend and I were together for a total of three years. Our first year together (junior year of college) was hard but rewarding and overall just absolutely lovely.
We moved in together for our second year together (senior year, the first academic year of covid) and struggled a lot because of mismatched libidos (mine was higher). Although the lack of physical intimacy sucked, what hurt more was that he barely put in any effort into trying to fix the problem. I ended up feeling so dejected and so certain that we would never be sexually compatible that I broke up with him.
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After the breakup, we both graduated and moved to the same city. I dated other people, did some reflection, and realized that I was totally at fault for the libido mismatch. I has been trying to catch flies with vinegar instead of honey. I reached out and asked if we could be friends. He definitely seemed icy after a year of me instigating arguments and then dating other people, but I was super understanding and patient and sweet about it. I tried SO hard to redeem myself. For about six months we were friends/sleeping together/going on dates and saying “I love you”. <3
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It was nice to be with him again, but I yearned for a label. I told him that, while I loved being his friend, my goal was be in a long term relationship headed towards marriage, not a never-ending situationship. I gave him an ultimatum and he chose to walk away 🤷🏼♀️ Obviously, I was super crushed. I thought I was going to marry this man and I had put everything I had into being the best girlfriend possible and I still wasn’t enough. It just really hurt. I truly felt like it was finally 100% over. Through a lot of mental work and anguish I managed to pick myself up again and rebuild my self esteem…
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About a month ago he reached out from no contact and sent me a 17 page essay apologizing for how he had neglected my sexual/emotional/commitment needs. He said that he saw me as his future and hoped to marry me someday 🥺. Then he made a detailed plan for how he would resolve his mistakes. It was like a business plan, there were graphs! While reading the letter, I felt sooooo understood and validated. I felt like he had read my mind and clearly articulated all of my thoughts. But instead of feeling grateful and happy I immediately felt enraged. I don’t really understand why. The anger has subsided and now I just feel confused.
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Should I take him back reddit? We have really similar views on where we want to live, parenting, religion, and finances. From his letter, it sounds like his views on sex/marriage have changed to be compatible with mine. He’s got a good job, he works out, he’s in therapy, he volunteers three times a week and is involved in his community, he was smart enough to skip two years of school, he devours books like it’s going out of style, and he’s a fully functional adult taking care of his rent/bills/groceries/laundry at just 21 years old. He used to be my best friend and I want him to have a girlfriend to stroke his hair and eat dinner with him at the end of a long day. I want him to feel safe and cared for.
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But at the same time I also feel really shut down emotionally; I don’t feel any “spark” when talking to him, and the thought of having sex with anyone just feels way too vulnerable for now. We hung out and I felt so disgusted I could barely even laugh at his jokes. My dad really dislikes him now and my friends want me to date someone more “masculine”. It also bothers me that he never really explained why he was so non-committal in the first place. I’m sure through hard work I could learn to trust him again, but the question is… is it wise to?? But at the same time I don’t want to discard what used to be so special and what might be special again….. Help! What should I do??
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TL;DR ex boyfriend and I are a really great match but he invalidated my feelings and ignored my pleas for more commitment for 2 out of 3 years together. Now, he wants to do better and move forward but I’m unsure of whether or not to trust him.
4 comments
>But at the same time I also feel really shut down emotionally; I don’t feel any “spark” when talking to him, and the thought of having sex with anyone just feels way too vulnerable for now. We hung out and I felt so disgusted I could barely even laugh at his jokes
Is a no any clearer? You don’t date someone because they’re tick a certain list. You need to both move on and stop going back and forth by now
>He’s got a good job, he works out, he’s in therapy, he volunteers three times a week and is involved in his community, he was smart enough to skip two years of school, he devours books like it’s going out of style, and he’s a fully functional adult taking care of his rent/bills/groceries/laundry at just 21 years old.
And your friends think none of this is masculine? Am I missing something or are your friends just idiots?
Maybe it’s besides the point. If you’re not ready to date anyone, his 17 page essay is irrelevant. I’m just confused as to where your lack of trust came from? Wasn’t this problem about libido and only libido or am I missing something there too?
Maybe you’re mad because the plan proves he knew or at least was able to understand what you wanted all along. He didn’t care.
The “too little too late” feeling. I don’t really have advice, but I just broke off an almost 10 year relationship bc of this. Too little too late. Effort only being put in when he was seconds away from losing me.