My (48m) son (27m) Michael, (fake name) is one of the smartest people I know. He was planning to graduate and get a PhD in biology but things are going downhill.
3 years ago, I got to meet his girlfriend , and I’ll be honest, I don’t like her. I found her to be a very boastful person, as, like Michael, is very smart, and is also into science, but more like chemistry. But what really set me off, is Michael seemed embarrassed of me. He told his gf (ill call emily) about how my ex wife (his mother) is a zoologist, or how my husband (his step dad) is fluent in 5 language, but when it came to me, Michael had nothing to say.
But when Michael and Emily announced they were pregnant I was super excited, and I’d be a first time grandfather. My husband even joked about how smart that child will be because of its scientist parents.
But after my beautiful granddaughter was born, Emily disappeared. Turns out she had an emotional breakdown, and left for another state. Before lawyers could get involved, Michael decided that since Emily isn’t emotionally ready to commit and it isn’t safe for the baby, he’ll be a single father and leave Emily to pay child support and not be a mother in the babies life.
Which, as somebody who grew up without a mother, broke my heart, but I supported his decision.
Michael now leaves the baby with either me or his mother while he takes an online course until the baby is old enough to go to school so he can go to college in person.
Finally, lately I found out Michael and my spouse have been talking without me present, Michael looking for advice, which is where I feel lost as he’s been asking things he can ask me as his REAL dad, which makes me feel like he doesn’t trust my judgment. I had a conversation with my husband, telling him that he should tell Michael to ask for my advice instead, as I am his father and know him better, he responds by telling me that I should not make this about me and support my son and my granddaughter, i said I don’t know how to if he doesn’t ask for my help. That’s when he said something like “I just wanted to help him, I’m sorry.” Feeling guilty for making me feel upset.
So now I feel like I have punctured two relationships, my son and my husband just by wanting to help.
8 comments
You should be happy your son has someone to turn to. Instead you’re jealous and shitty to your husband over it. This is why you son doesn’t come to you. Consider seeing a therapist.
For starters I am 20. My father is 45. My father wants the best for me and I know that, but he and I continually argue on certain things that he thinks is helping. For example, I have no desire to go to college (I have 2 management jobs so I’m not lazy and I’m able to support myself as I do not live at home), but he wants me to go to college. He is trying to help, but he is actually making it more difficult to talk to him about that topic. I would rather talk to my step-mum about things like that. A few months ago I had a serious sit down talk with him and told him how he was making me feel and hurting our relationship. I asked him to work on finding a way to communicate with me so he and I can talk about those topics without arguing. I hope that helped 🙂 I know it’s not exactly the same situation.
How’d you manage to make your sons tragic relationship about you
It’s more important that your son feels comfortable enough to ask for help then who he actually goes to for help. You don’t want him to stop asking your husband if it means he’s not asking anyone for help. Remember it’s about him and his needs. It’s not about you.
How long has your husband been in your son’s life?
If it’s been since childhood or since he was living with you, I’m gonna need you to NEVER call yourself his “REAL father” in comparison to your husband ever again. That is such a low blow to a step-parent. Your husband has spent years trying to find the balance between being a friend and a unit of authority to your son, and it sounds like he has done an amazing job. He poured blood, sweat, and tears into your son’s upbringing just like you did, and he fostered a great relationship with him. Forgive me for being harsh, but you need to get on his team or get in damn therapy.
If it hasn’t been that long, he’s seeking friendly advice from a friend who happens to be older and have more experience. That’s different from parental advice, and the fact that you’re his “”‘”REAL father”””” is the exact reason he isn’t coming to you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Your son trusts you with his child. More than he trusts the child’s mother. The fact that he’s shown discerning judgment in that aspect and still chooses to leave his child with you is such a testament to his trust, especially considering he knows first-hand how you are with children.
Once you release your ego, talk to your son. Next time he drops the baby off, say, “you know, it’s a privilege to me to be able to help you with this, and I would love to be helpful in any other way I can. You just let me know what you need, okay?”
That is a warm and heartfelt sentiment that might actually result in your son asking you to help in other ways. Or he might not. And that is fine. Respect it.
If I were you, I would be so proud of your son and husband, and honored to be a part of it all, it would move me to tears.
You sound like you have a hell of an ego and probably project that towards your ADULT son.
And things aren’t “going downhill” in his career. He’s still moving forwards albeit at a slower pace because things CHANGED and he’s doing what he needs to do to be a FATHER.
I’m willing to bet that when Michael has come to you for advice in the past you’ve either talked down to him, told him in no minced words where he fucked up and how he fell short (and sometimes we all do….. but the damage is done. The only thing to do is figure out how to move forward) or disappointed your vision of him.
All you talk about is his education and career and how he’s Your Smart Son in your post. But who IS he? I mean deep down. Do you know what he would do in various situations? Is he charismatic or shy or sometimes both? What are his values? What’s his pet peeve and his passion? His hobbies? Is he religious or spiritual or staunchly not at all? Is he sensitive or stoic? You’ve given us a list of his credentials. That’s it.
And told us how disappointed you are that he’s not getting that PhD because the GF (who you make sure to mention is also smart) probably had PPD to such a degree she could be dead somewhere. How has that *emotionally affected* Michael? Do you even care?
This is probably why he’s asking your husband. And you’re DISAPPOINTED yet again that he’s not stroking your ego by asking His Real Father and is instead trying to, yanno, cope with a major relationship ending and be a single father.
he’s already asking you for help by asking you to babysit your granddaughter while he’s in class, but there’s probably deeper issues there
Ok. take a step back dad. I am sure your feelings are hurt that your son can talk to your partner easier. Sometimes that is just the way it is.
Are you quick to judge, offer unwanted advice? Not judging but trying to find the reason why son can go to your partner 1st.
Partner needs to be clear with son on what he can share with you. You can’t hold this against partner.
You want what is best for son and granddaughter, no room for you to feel slighted or hurt. Find out what you can do to help son and not fault partner.
((HUGS)) Communicate with both and just be there when asked.