My [19F] boyfriend [19M] and I have been together for 5 months and I’ve been debating breaking off the relationship for a while now. I am just not sure how to do it or if it is the right decision. I am the “asexual” one in the relationship while my boyfriend is the allosexual. The thing is though, I am not sure if I truly am asexual. Because I’ve had strong sexual feelings before in past relationships and have had a “normal” sex drive for almost my entire life. Up until almost 2 years ago where my sexual feelings completely shut off. I’m not sure if it’s because of sexual trauma from a previous r**e, a mental block, or just something completely medical. Because of my lack of a sex drive it’s made things in my current relationship feel really awkward when we attempt to get hot and heavy. Simply because I just can’t do it. I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this multiple times and I’ve expressed my discomfort heavily. He’s said it’s ok and he’s perfectly willing to “wait” until I am ready or just go without sex all together (mind you he is a virgin). I take his words with a grain of salt because what man would go so long without getting anything from the girl they’re in a relationship with. To me, a relationship without intimacy is just a friendship and I really struggle with intimacy, even when it’s just PDA. The only solution I’ve found while looking for advice online is polyamory, which I am not into neither is my boyfriend. I would like to make things work between him and I but I’m not sure if it’d be fair and healthy for him in the long run. Do I break the relationship off before this becomes a huge issue or do I keep it going for the sake of doing
it?
tl;dr- I am asexual and my boyfriend is not. Can a relationship between the two of us work without polyamory, or should I break it off before it becomes unfair?
12 comments
Breakup and seek trauma counseling.
Honestly? Unless he can live with pleasing himself / toys then no
You need to be in trauma counseling, not in a relationship that will trigger your responses.
Are you sex repulsed, or sex neutral? If neutral, then maybe you can enjoy sex even if you don’t feel attraction, or enjoy your partner’s pleasure.
If you are traumatized around sex, note that that generally isn’t seen as being the same as being asexual. Asexual people do not feel sexual attraction towards other people. People with sex-related trauma can still feel the attraction, but may not want to do anything about that attraction. To simplify and exaggerate: Asexual people will look at a celebrity or model and say “ooh, they’re aesthetically pleasing, I’d knit them a sweater.” Allosexual (that is, not asexual) people will look at the celebrity and say “ooh, they’re hot, I’d bone them.” Allosexual people with sexual trauma will look at the same person and say “ooh, they’re hot, and OMFG SEX IS TERRIFYING.” You can seek out treatment for your trauma that would let you regain the ability to choose your sexual activity or lack thereof freely, without fear dominating.
I don’t think a relationship between an asexual and an allosexual requires polyamory, which is multiple loving relationships, but it does tend to require sexual non-exclusivity of some type.
That said, you don’t sound asexual. You sound like you are dealing with medical problems, whether physical health or mental health. Since you know you experienced trauma, you should be working with a therapist to heal from trauma. And it never hurts to get a health check up. But the trauma is the most likely issue, since it would explain your symptoms and you say you had trauma. And whether or not it is the cause, you still need to treat it, since you know you have had trauma, so it’s going to be causing you problems whether or not this is one of them.
I understand it will be painful, but it would be better for both of you to breakup, and for you to focus on getting trauma counseling.
See a professional before you make any changes but this is a long term therapy experience IMHO. The largest sex organ is the brain.
Maybe talk to a professional.
sure, it CAN work. I’m not asexual but i have been in a relationship with an asexual person before and although I enjoy sex, it really doesnt matter too much to me whether my orgasms come from sex or masturbation, so my vibrator suited me just fine. no idea if your boyfriend has the same mindset though and tbh the problems you describe sound like they may need professional help
I’m really sorry about what happened to you. Whether you’re always going to be asexual or this is just how you are at the moment, it sounds like there’s a lot that’s getting in the way of the relationship that you want, and I agree with the other commenters that if you can afford it, therapy and other medical help might be really good for you to get to a better place.
The one way I differ from the other commenters is I think that if he says he’s okay with the relationship as it is, maybe believe him? It sounds like *you’re* the one who’s not okay with a relationship without physical intimacy — it’s not fair on him to frame this as “what man would be okay with this?” when he’s saying that he is, and you’re the one who’s doubting it’s a real relationship.
Info: what is “allosexual”
I can say as someone who used to think I was asexual, when your partner says he’s ready to wait and even go without, it is not impossible for him to be honest. I was open to my partner about my lack of sexual interest, which he respected. He never brought it up unless I was asking him to talk about it, which was 1,5 years into our relationship. I did eventually warm up to the thought and he always made sure to reassure me that I can always change my mind and that it won’t make a difference between us. So don’t make the decision of breaking up for him, if he is willing to do this for you, and you do love him don’t force him away. It sounds like you are going through a lot and it will probably take a while to sort through that, but if he wants to love and support you through that why forbid him? Please talk to him about ways to help you, such as talking to professionals. I can imagine he’d love to support you through it and I wish you the best. A break up should only happen if that’s what you really want, not because you think it would be good for someone else