This is going to be a little all over the place because I’m both tipsy & anxious so apologies in advance. English *is* my first language so feel free to tear my grammar apart. TLDR at the end.
So like the title says, I (24f) went out to dinner with a friend (19m). Our parents are close friends & we’re neighbors, so we’ve known each other for a couple years, but this was our first time going out just the two of us. I thought it was pretty damn clear that we’re just friends. There was no flirting or anything & a lot of talking about our families etc. Never got a date vibe (although I was anxious about it beforehand because that confusion can make things very weird very fast (*foreshadowing*)).
So at the end of what I thought was a great night with zero confusion, I dropped him off at his house & right before he got out of the car he goes “So I have a question…was this a date?” Immediately my brain went “oh no” but I tried to be easy about it & just said “No, I didn’t think it was, I thought we were just going out as friends,” & he just said “Okay me too,” & got out & that was it.
So just some background about what happened: we went to dinner & afterwards he came back to my house to have a few drinks & chat. Again, I want to emphasize that I was anxious about this coming off like a date but I never got the vibe that we were flirting & I was trying to be careful not to imply anything like that. When we were at my house we were chatting & I mentioned that I was going on a date the next day (today) & noticed that things almost immediately got kinda awkward, so I just said I was gonna go to the bathroom & drive him home right after. & that’s when the aforementioned conversation took place.
I thought to myself “Okay, that was a little weird, but I was clear that this wasn’t a date so things should be fine after a brief period of awkwardness.” Well, that’s apparently not the case, because he texted me the next day (today) saying “I felt too awkward to say it when you dropped me off but it felt like a date to me.” He also asked me to get breakfast. I’ve been ignoring his texts all day because I have no idea what to say.
We’re neighbors & our parents are friends so I’m gonna see him a lot no matter what, so I need a way to let him down easy while being clear that no, we will never date. 1) He’s younger than my little brother & I’m older than his older sister & I will simply never see him as anything more than a kid because of that, it honestly kinda weirds me out but that’s probably a me problem. & 2) We are just not compatible even if that wasn’t an issue for me. Our politics are off, we’re into different things, etc. We work as friends, but even if he were my age & we didn’t have the added drama of our parents being friends, I simply would never see myself being attracted to him in that way.
So yeah, that’s the situation & I need advice on how to respond. I want to be clear that dating will never *ever* be on the table because I don’t want to “lead him on” or anything, but I also want to be kind & civil about it because it’s not like I can just cut the entire family out of my life with our parents being friends & us being neighbors. To be completely honest, I’m a little annoyed that he didn’t just leave it alone when I clarified that it wasn’t a date, & now I’m in the position where I have to be direct with him which is really hard for me.
Please help. I’d love some advice on how to word a response that isn’t mean but is still direct. I fully realize that this seems very childish, because it feels so high school to be in this position. I hate that he couldn’t leave it be & is pushing this conversation & forcing me to be the one to cut it off very directly. Please someone tell me what to say. I’m bad at confrontation & this is tearing my brain apart. Also I’m trying not to make this post too long, but I’ll answer any questions you guys have in the comments.
TLDR: I went to dinner with a friend & he thought it was a date. Even though I confirmed that it wasn’t a date, he’s now texting me saying it “felt like” one & I have no idea how to respond. Tell me what to say, I don’t want to be mean but I want to be direct & nip this in the bud.
Edit to add: Why am I making friends with a teenager? I wasn’t trying to, we were connecting over the fact that we live in the middle of nowhere & it’s really hard to make friends here unless you grew up here (which neither of us did). So he literally verbatim said “Well our parents are friends so we should be too, we should go get drinks together sometime.” I guess I should’ve said no but both our parents were there at the time & thought it was a great idea. & I really thought it was clear from the beginning that we were doing this *as friends.* Guess hindsight is 20/20 & I should’ve said no.
7 comments
Question: why are you trying to be platonic friends with teenage boys in the first place? You’re 24.
” Hey, I really enjoyed our outing and I enjoy spending time with you, we work great as friends ! “
“I apologize for giving you the wrong impression. It wasn’t a date. It didn’t feel like one to me.” Then yeah, don’t plan platonic date like functions in the future, especially with close family friends. The foreshadowing you felt was the indication this wasn’t a meal you should go to this meal.
>“I felt too awkward to say it when you dropped me off but it felt like a date to me.”
I’m sorry for the confusion, but it definitely was not a date. We’re friends, and that’s it. I don’t think we should go to breakfast or anything else one-on-one that might lead to more confusion, as I don’t want to lead you on.
Just very gently say something like the “I never wanted to give you the impression this was a date, you’re a very sweet *young* man and I’m older than your oldest sister. That’s not a road you and I need to go down ever.”
Than maybe something like “Let’s go get ice cream champ” *gentle fake punch on the arm”
I think that would get the point across and break the tension.
>I thought to myself “Okay, that was a little weird, but I was clear that this wasn’t a date so things should be fine after a brief period of awkwardness.”
It’s almost cute that you thought it would be that easy.
>Well, that’s apparently not the case, because he texted me the next day (today) saying “I felt too awkward to say it when you dropped me off but it felt like a date to me.” He also asked me to get breakfast. I’ve been ignoring his texts all day because I have no idea what to say.
You need to be honest that you’re not interested in dating him. Point blank.
>We’re neighbors & our parents are friends so I’m gonna see him a lot no matter what, so I need a way to let him down easy while being clear that no, we will never date.
“Look, I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression, but I had no interest in you beyond a family friend, and that’s not going to change.”
That’s it. You don’t need to say more, no need to explain or justify your reasons. And don’t be afraid to hurt his feeling. Sometimes being too nice about it just makes it worse. If he tries to press you for more, just say *”because I said so.”* If he gets pissy after that, ignore him. If it affects your parents’ friendship, they’ll have to deal with it. But it won’t be your fault. And sure, you can still be civil when you happen to see him, but you don’t need to go out of your way to engage him (and do NOT try to remain “friends,” such as going out platonically, *that will not work*).
In response to your query, as I said yesterday it was not a date, it was as you suggested a night out with a friend. I already made my position clear and I will not be pursuing any relationship with you. In resepct for your parents I will not mention that you have been pressuring me, but if you continue I will consider it harrassment.
To be very clear I am not in any way interested in a relationship with you.