My bf (24M) and I (21F) have been dating for three years and moved in to an apartment together last June.
A little background: the city we moved to is about an hour away from my hometown, much closer to my bf’s work. This is both of our first times living alone/away from parents. But I sacrificed a lot to move in with him…leaving a job I adored, leaving friends, and leaving my family. When signing the lease, we had originally planned on a one year contract. But last minute, my boyfriend changed it to a two year contract, saying that we won’t break up anyways so why not save money. So here we are, a year into a two year lease and I want to break up.
– Over the past year, 90% of the apartment upkeep has been placed on me. Mopping, contacting the office, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, decorating, buying groceries, cooking meals according to his preferences, washing the linens, wiping the countertops, taking care of our puppy, the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, he will “tidy” up but he won’t actually “clean”. We both work full time hours, him just a bit more than me. I’ve had discussions with him about this, and he promises that he’ll work on things and nothing will change. If anything, he gets more nitpicky about how well I’m cleaning.
– Our sex life has gone downhill since moving in together. Sometimes I feel like he sees me as an object to be used whenever he wants, regardless if I’m in the mood or not. When I do express that I’m not in the mood, he gets pouty.
– His overall effort in the relationship has gone out the window, any “dates”/activities he plans, are centered around his interests (going to car meets, playing video games, hiking) and never consider mine. He will get upset if I don’t want to participate in them. He doesn’t buy me flowers or surprise me or post me on socials much anymore (ik these are minor things, but they are important to me). Lately he has been ignoring me in public places and walking off without telling me. Unless he notices other objectivity attractive guys around, then he will hold my hand. Again, I’ve brought all these things up to him and he blames my emotions on my period or mental disorders. Often asking if I’ve taken my “crazy pills” (his words) or if I’m on my period. My mental health issues aren’t severe, but I do have ADHD, anxiety, and depression.
– I’ve noticed since moving in together he often uses the “R” word and makes racist/ableist/misogynistic comments. All things I am very against anyone saying. And I am disgusted that he would say those things too.
Anyways, over the past couple months I have just felt so dull and drained around him. I miss the person I was before all this and I don’t want to be loved like this for the rest of my life.
I’ve talked with my mom about moving back home, which she is excited about. She and I are very close. She’s offered to cover the costs of breaking the lease if my bf doesn’t find a roommate. I’ve started discreetly packing my stuff just in case the worst happens and I need out fast. I’m just debating on when/how to tell him. If I try to talk in person I know I will break down crying and he’ll try to negotiate his way back together. I think he’s noticed a change in my behavior, since I’ve checked out of the relationship, and had been asking lots of questions about what I’m doing on my phone, why Ive been spending more time alone, why I moved my things, etc. Anyways I appreciate any advice or comments!
TLDR: How do I break up with my long term boyfriend of three years whom I live with?