Small talk is meant to be back and forth, reciprocal. I understand that in theory.
But what I struggle with is knowing when it is appropriate to engage, how far to take it, and for how long. I tend to default to task-orientation.
I was recently assessed for autism. In the report, the clinician noted that I showed a deficit in "social curiosity" because when she mentioned she was scared of cats during a storytelling task, I did not ask her "Oh, why are you scared of cats?"
This was flagged as a failure to pick up on a "conversational hook."
But here is what actually went through my head: Why is she telling me this? Does she want me to redirect the whole conversation toward her? If I ask, how far do I have to take it? How long am I supposed to keep being curious about her? And wouldn't I be derailing the conversation away from the assessment task which I'm here to complete? I have no idea what the rules are, so the safest option is to just avoid it entirely. I'd stick to strictly answerIng her questions so she can assess whether I'm autistic or not. It feels less awkward to say nothing than to start something I do not know how to finish.
Another example: I am waiting in a queue at the till, and the person in front of me has already been served and paid but, they are still standing there making small talk with the cashier. My brain screams: stop talking and serve me. There is a queue. There is a job. The social chat is actively blocking the task. I do not understand why it would be appropriate in that example and why it's so common.
So my question is: How do you navigate knowing when small talk is expected, how deep to go, and when to stop?