I, mid 30’s F have been dating on and off on apps since 2022. And sometimes it doesn’t work for the best but sometimes I am just confused about why it did not work! I now know how to regulate my nervous system well enough that i see signs of inconsistency fast, communicate after seeing repetitive toxic patterns, and if nothing changes even after that, I have a peaceful conversation of why it doesn’t work, and take myself out of running. But I have a unique issue that kind of repeats in most of my relationships.
I don’t know when and how i developed the first signs of hyper independence. I think telling guys I date, about every little thought that pops in my head, or every thing that happens in my life all the time, is kind of an inconvenience instead of a way of bonding. This has been an issue since my first boyfriend in 2010 where he said “why do i feel like telling you everything in my day to day and you engage, reciprocate warmly but you never initiate”
All these years later, I heard something like that in my latest dating experience where the guy said “i feel like i always want to talk to you, especially if i am feeling good, feeling bad, or anything in between and you are always available, but you don’t call, text or initiate first. It makes me feel like i am not important enough”. And eventually after 3-4 months of this, he ended things with me.
I can theorize this in therapy speak that i probably didnt feel safe opening up to my friends and sibling and parents growing up. But apart from some bullying years in school and at home by my brother ( which i am sure happens with all siblings) i dont think i had a terrible childhood. Parents were parents. So i am curious why did i develop this and how can i correct it. Is this really a reason for the bond to not develop? Or is this just an excuse?