I'm starting to get annoyed. Everywhere I see shit like "sex should be the furthest thing away from your mind when trying to find someone." And similar shit like that. It's primarily targeted at guys, or preached by guys for guys.
Like, I get the importance of not using people just for sex. That's extremely important and should be looked down on if you do that. But at the same time, I feel like it should be okay if a guy or girl or whoever is sexually attracted to someone or wants sex in dating. While it shouldn't be at the forefront of your mind, it kind of should be a bit closer than the furthest thing in your mind (unless your Ace of course).
I'm just kind of sick of the low-key sex shaming and puritanism directed at men and women in the dating scene. It's okay to have casual sex when dating as long as you're safe. It's okay to want sex. It's okay for that to be an important part of dating.
Why not just normalize it?
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It’s because none of the people actually want a long-term relationship and they just want sex, that’s why, if anything it is normalized (too normalized). Personally, you should not feel comfortable asking for sex when you just met somebody (especially that’s the first thing that you say on dating apps) (edit for spelling)
It is normalized. If it’s important to you then there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just about compatibility.
I think it’s because people have separated sex and love. For me sex and love are the same thing so when people talk about having casual sex with people they don’t care about, or when a man I had been dating and had sex with tells me he only sees me as a friend, it really fucks with me. So I don’t know, maybe people just think that sex is sex and love is love and they don’t intertwine
sexual compatibility is so important. if it’s not a match there too, along with the other parts of a relationship, then it’s not a good match.
Maybe try looking somewhere else?
I’ve not had that experience
It reminds me of finding a job. For some reason you have to be passionate about more than being fairly compensated for your time.
I think it’s pretty normalized. Are you on christianmingles.com or something 😂? I’m a woman with a very high drive and sexual compatibility is something I bring up early because I don’t want to waste my time on someone who I can’t match or they can’t match my needs. I completely respect people who don’t put sex high up on their list of things that are important. Just do you, a lot of us are different and that’s okay.
If you want to be a casual be a casual. Nobody cares
Username checks out.
Jokes aside, in my opinion it’s one of those things where the people who are having bad experiences with it are more likely to be vocal and it skews the perception. The women I’ve dated have been overwhelmingly interested in, and open about, sex. The key is that I treat them like a person and not a thing, and once they become comfortable and feel safe, the flood gates open up.
Because the “normal” expectation when it comes to relationships is longevity or marriage. There comes a time in life when sex ends.
It is normalized, you just have to find someone who’s on the same page. This shouldn’t be hard somewhere like Tinder, for example but you might not find the same on Hinge. Just go where that’s expected
Humans want sex, but men are known to prioritize it and manipulate people emotionally to get it so that’s regularly discussed.
Wanting casual sex with other people that want casual sex is fine. The issue is bringing sex up early in conversation or trying to sleep with someone that’s specifically looking for a commited relationship before you’ve even gotten to know each other.
I think this is a simple concept and that casual sex has been normalized for a while now.
A lot of people see sex in a lot of different ways and that’s fine so long as they are having it with people who are on the same page.
Listen perv (username) we have enough casual sex. Many of us want to save intimacy for potential spouses not anyone who comes in and out of your life.
Just as long as me not wanting to participate early on is also normalized. I’m a guy, but I’ve had people get upset with me after they realize that I’m not interested in casual sex and don’t want to be intimate with someone I barely know. I guess that’s somehow unacceptable to some folks (or unfathomable).
> “sex should be the furthest thing away from your mind when trying to find someone.”
> it should be okay if a guy or girl or whoever is sexually attracted to someone or wants sex in dating
Those two statements aren’t contradictory. Nor is the first statement “sex shaming” or “puritanism”.
It’s entirely possible to have a happy and long lasting marriage that didn’t start out sexual or based on sexual attraction. You say it’s “important”, so you should seek out a partner who also thinks it’s important. For other people seeking their life partner, it’s not that important and there’s nothing wrong with that. The only thing we should be “normalizing” is people deciding with their partner what kind of relationship they want, without feeling the pressures of society’s expectations of a “normal” relationship.
U shouldn’t want someone for what’s in their pants sex comes naturally, this is such an odd post.
Don’t look for puritan women then? Sex IS normalised in relationships unless you’re going out of your way to get with someone with little experience and expect them to be ok
caveman take. there are 2000 things more important than sex in a relationship. seek deeper bonds, pls.
Bro it’s normalised as long you’re not a creep and be normal.
Aside from my own religious customs, i think it’s not so simple as normalizing or not normalizing. You should obviously date someone you find sexually attractive because intimacy is one of the foundations of a successful marriage. However, i don’t think we should normalize sex in dating. The fault is on both sides but when you trivialize sex to be something you do with someone you’re not wholly committed to in marriage, it loses its value. Dating someone should be to find out if you are compatible emotionally, intellectually, and on values. Having sex brings in a lot of hormonal disruption that can and will cloud your judgement and wind up harming yourself and the person your dating. I’m not saying like nobody should have sex ever until they’re married, but it’s definitely ideal to normalize waiting until marriage to have sex.
Why is someone else’s opinion of what happens between you and another consenting adults of any consequence to you or them?
I personally believe casual sex causes far more harm than good to both men and women. But does that mean I’m going to discount someone as a person for disagreeing with me or trying to convince me I’m wrong? No. I love all my friends, and alot of them have very different world views to me.
My point is. What is your need to normalise it? You don’t want to feel guilty? Then don’t. If you know it isn’t wrong you shouldn’t feel guilty. And furthermore if others disagree with you, let them. They aren’t going to hurt you for disagreeing with them are they?
Just treat everyone with respect untill they prove they aren’t worthy of it. And even then love them as a fellow human, even if you can’t respect them. If you do this their opinions won’t make you feel bad as you will empathize with them more and understand why they think what they think. And maybe in the process you can change someone’s mind a little too.
🙂
I’m pretty sure that’s normal af
I personally, love sex however I definitely do need to get to know you first and establish a certain level of comfort.
I feel like the thing we need to normalize is a compatible sex style/drive and talking about that openly without shame or pressure.
It’s okay to want sex but it’s also okay if that’s not someone’s top interest. If sex is the biggest thing in your mind and most important, make sure that you express that when talking with a potential partner. Not everyone wants to date for casual sex, some people want long term or lifelong partners to connect emotionally with. It’s okay to want one or the other and it’s okay if the person you are talking to doesn’t want that too, it just means you aren’t compatible and should walk away.
To each their own. Some people don’t want to jump into sex with someone they don’t have any emotional connection to and that is a valid preference. Others find it makes getting to know the other person harder and that is also valid. Some people enjoy casual sex, also valid. People should just date others they’re on the same page about this issue with.
Some people are asexual or have trauma regarding sex. Sex may be normal and important for you in relationships, but it’s not for everyone. So just be open and honest and find someone to match.
At least here in the states and specifically the Deep South: Christian puritanicalism
I think your real question is “Why does no one want to have sex with me?” Or “Why am I the bad guy for wanting sex?”
Because it is already normalized. Most people dating understand that a relationship will bring forth sexy time.
But sex is NOT the end goal with dating and you need to stop treating it like it is. It comes down to, do people want to have sex with people they are comfortable with? Or do they want to have sex with the most needy and demanding and desperate person who is complaining that sex needs to be normalized?
It’s actually very simple: sex can break a relationship, but it can never make one. It’s normal to want it and sexual compatibility is important, but it should not be at the forefront, because it cannot sustain a relationship. A partner is a person for life, not just for the bedroom: you have to talk to them, build a life with them, run a household with them – all things that require more than sexual compatibility and make a relationship sustainable and fulfilling long term. Than you add sexuality to it, because frankly those other things are much harder to find.
Reddit and any other online source is an awful place to seek relationship advice, tbh. It’s great for finding answers to actual questions, but as soon as it requires nuance, it falls apart.
Most people are fine out there. The creeps will be creeps, those who have felt preyed on will push against the norms because they feel it was what created their problems, and everyone else falls in the middle.
The reason I figure sex is going down right now because of everyone is being recorded, judged, or talked about in group chats elsewhere (which isn’t new, just much easier and much more wide reaching now).
99% of issues in this sub, or any other relationship sub, can be solved with: “Tell your partner this”. But people have their parasocial relationships with those online and end up looking for confirmation on here.
Reddit doesn’t make you a better partner, it makes you worse, and I’ll die on that hill. It trains you to think certain ways, and gives you the most extreme cases of relationships 4/5 times. If you can’t talk to your partner about things, leave your partner. That’s how it is supposed to be.