Looking for insight here on whether I’m overreacting. My (39f) husband (40m) and I have been married 12 years. We both work full time (I make more gross income, but carry all of our insurance for the whole family and contribute to my retirement out of my check so my monthly take home is less, husband is self-employed). Up until about two years ago, we had a joint account (the last few years leading up to this he would give me a monthly “allowance” but it was a constant battle because out of my “allowance” also paid for our (2) children’s needs (lunch account, sports, swimming lessons, etc). Looking back, this gives me the ick). One day I came home from church and he had everything written up on paper about which bills I would pay and which ones he would pay and we were moving to separate accounts. For birthdays and Christmas I hold him accountable for his half, but otherwise I try not to keep a tally on who spends what on our kids. Today he text me that our kids wanted chicken nuggets for lunch (I also buy all the groceries as part of my bills so they had other food I’d bought for lunch this week) so he took $50 out of a cash emergency fund I keep tucked away. I feel really upset about this because a) it’s my money that I’ve worked to save up for, b) if he wanted to give in to their lunch wishes he could have paid, and c) THEY could have used their own money! He says I’m overreacting and it’s not a big deal, but I was so hurt. I will also add that he’s notorious for downplaying me and my emotions, and I always end up apologizing or thinking I AM in the wrong. This is a pattern I’ve started to recognize in the therapy work I’ve been doing. But I still second guess and doubt any time he tells me I’m overreacting. Am I?
Side note: I also got a decent inheritance from my grandparent’s passing away. He now will essentially tell me to spend my “moldy money” on things and will guilt me about how he just doesn’t have money like I do. I would have been happy to have this in our joint savings, but after he split from me financially I put it into my savings account after paying off debts and investing. So part of me feels like this is just an example of, “Well use your money.” But he did so without asking and taking money that I personally save from my birthdays, Christmas, side jobs, etc. I’m just feeling so resentful right now about the whole thing, but then feel guilty because it’s “only $50”.
EDIT: Thank you for validating that I’m not overreacting. I have been working hard in therapy to set boundaries, hold him accountable and honestly looking at divorce (as you can imagine, this is just one example). I appreciate all of you and your insight.